Talk:Tsukumodo:Volume 2 Silence
these are the questionable lines from this chapter in bold. below each line are my bariants and thoughts. i'm extremely unsure about my suggestions here, and thus i didn't change these lines in the chapter. this is meant mostly for senile seinen, but if anyone wants to pitch in, that's cool too.--Idiffer 01:59, 9 July 2012 (CDT)
I'll add a few suggestions as well if that's OK...senile seinen already has them well covered tho... Grrarr 23:54, 12 July 2012 (CDT)
She looked a little younger than me, but the languorous feel she gave off made her impression rather mature and mysterious.
(not sure if this is the correct usage. though this may be mistaken with an example from this dictionary: In her journal, she recorded her impressions of the city.)
Well, for one thing we need 'than I'. For another, 'gave off' is a little weak. Given that narrator is a straight man, I guess that 'her langorous air' might work. Likewise, 'made her impression' is weak. Go with an action verb: 'gave her a rather mature and mysterious impression' is a start.
"I am sorry. I'm afraid that's not here."
(dunno, doesn't sound right. you can't find that here. or - we don't have what you are looking for)
You are on the right track here. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid we don't have such a thing here," although I would need to see the contextual paragraph around it.
My heart was beating rapidly. Perhaps, the loudest noise in this world right now was my own heart beat.
(maybe heartbeat without the space?)
Yes, or better: the beating of my heart. Also, perhaps is weak.
The heavy noise from the building site vanished.
It hadn't become unhearable. More like, it had vanished.
(so vanished or had vanished?)
If you are talking about the event, then vanished. If you are talking about the result, then 'had vanished'. I'd go with 'had' here.
It was not her wish that people got ahold of Relics.
(It was not her wish for people to get ahold of Relics.)
She preferred that people did not get (a)hold of Relics.
She preferred that people did not obtain Relics. -Grrarr
Because he was about to even intrude their private space, I had no choice but to block his way.
(Because he was even about to intrude their private space, I had no choice but to block his way.)
Because he was even willing to intrude into their private space, I had no choice but to block him/his way.
Because he was even willing to intrude upon their private space, I had no choice but to block him/his way. -Grrarr
Towako-san, however, showed no signs of taking the card.
(showed no signs of wanting to take the card. a sign of taking the card is taking the card.)
Singular.
That is, the moment of death of someone related to me or myself.
(That is, the moment of my death or of someone related to me.)
Splice with a colon in place of 'that is'.
It was a bad idea indeed to let her know thoughtlessly when we had no idea under what circumstances she died.
(It was a bad idea indeed to thoughtlessly let her know, when we had no idea under what circumstances she died.)
It was definitely a bad idea to let her know. After all, we had no idea of the circumstances of her death. (English is strong with fewer words in a sentence.)
However, only in the presence of us.
(However, only in our presence.)
Yup.
However, we had not at all time for that.
(However, we had no time for that at all.)
Yup.
They were by a top-class brand even I knew.
(They were made by a top-class brand even I knew. or - were OF a top-class brand)
'Top-class' is terrible.
Agreed - 'high end' works better. Also, neither construction ("made by a xxx brand" as well as "were OF a xxx brand") seems quite right, though the first one seems worse to me... -Grrarr
"A-Are you all right? Excuse me excuse me!"
(comma between the excuse me's. It could be a dash for fast talk also.)
Or ellipsis.
I shall try out immediately.
(I shall try it out immediately. because you try out for, i don't know, a cheerleading group, a football team.)
I'll try it/give it a try right away.
Speaking of the devil.
(Speak of the devil sounds more comfortable)
Both ok depending on context.
"I'm afraid this is not something you can get done by simply spending time in it.
(What is he talking about here? spending time in what exactly? in a piece? )
Spending time at it maybe? Always ok to ask the TL for clarification.
I had not thought that concentration could speed up the making of a piece so heavily.
(speed up so heavily? i would say "so much")
Yes, but sentence is roundabout.
At this point, I recalled the scene again "Vision" had shown to me.
(At this point, I again recalled the scene "Vision" had shown to me. OR - At this point, I recalled the scene "Vision" had shown to me again (once more).)
Both ok. Choose for best text flow.
The frilly clothes she had worn was a maid uniform.
(were a maid uniform? really unsure. probably i'm wrong)
You're right. 'Clothes' is plural
With eccentric paintings in the room or the doors."
(in the room, but probably ON the doors. )
A mural?
Ah, perhaps did you read that interview that was recently published?"
(Ah, did you perhaps read that interview that was recently published?")
'Recent interview'. And yes.
Agreed - brevity is crucial. [Also, a very minor (grammar-unrelated) nitpick - this is unlikely to be relevant for the Tsukumodo translation, but one could encounter an interview that was (a) not conducted recently and (b) only recently published] -Grrarr
Mei-san nodded in convincedly.
(well, there was probably not supposed to be a space there, right?)
Just goes clunk. Will fix.
The story where he ended up drawing lines on the walls and writing the notes on those."
(on them)
Yes.
The joy was even greater than when I became generally accepted and could release my first record. (Back to work here for me -ss) (had become generally accepted?)
- 'had become generally accepted' works grammatically, but the meaning of the sentence is off.
- Also, 'The joy was even greater than when' construction is flawed.
- Getting back to meanings: I lack context, but my best guess is that 'when I became generally accepted and could release my first record' should be something like 'when I became popular enough to release my first record,' but that starts to diverge from translation. Check in w/EEE?
- A clunky/overly lengthy temporary placeholder: 'I was overjoyed - I felt happier than when I became popular enough to release my first record,' -Grrarr
- EusthEnoptEron 04:43, 13 July 2012 (CDT)Should be fine - I like it better this way.
Was there a meaning in me getting off the train there?
There wasn't if I just got off. But if I took some action from there, it would get a meaning.
(what would get a meaning exactly? the action? But if after that I take an action, it would become meaningfull. (it would aquire
meaning) "get" just sounds weird here. as does "some action")
Yeah, this is a definitely a messy starting point. My best guess at the intended meaning (again, lacking TL input/I'm still phrasing it clunkily) would be something like: 'Would getting off the train be a meaningful act? Not in and of itself, but if I then took (a) subsequent action(s), I would have acted meaningfully.' [Also, I think there are two embedded implications - that (1) getting off the train was necessary for the subsequent action(s) and (2) the subsequent action(s) was/were meaningful] -Grrarr
- EusthEnoptEron 04:43, 13 July 2012 (CDT)Exactly. He wants to achieve a "change", prevent the fated. So there'd be no "meaning" in just going home or just leaving the train. He has to do something.
--Idiffer 01:59, 9 July 2012 (CDT)
TL questions[edit]
"You don't want 'something'. You want 'a thing'."
(is she saying this in general (“people want something”) or referring to kadokura?)
- She's referring to Kadokura. I slightly altered that passage now, but the wordplay still doesn't come across as well as in Japanese.
"Certainly. I'm sorry, t..."
(what word is the person trying to finish?)
- Probably I was meaning to write "too".
<span style="color: white">What's going on?</span>
(you made the text invisible. How was this handled in the jap version, I wonder)
- It was invisible, too. I made it white so that the space taken is equal to that of the actual sentence -- I changed it, though, since it's not so important.
"That's what I've been telling you. Any sound vanishes from the region it reflects. The sounds from outside are completely deflected, and no sound can be produced within the area of reflection. In short, it creates a zone of complete silence."
(not how I usually see this constructed. so the underlined sentence means: “the mirror effects a region, so sound vanishes from that region” ? or is it about sound in general? or smth else entirely?)
- I rephrased it. Might be a bit easier to understand now. In simple terms, if you can see yourself in the mirror, your inside the region it affects, i.e. there is no sound.
I deliberately slammed the door shut. Even that sound resounded in my ears.
(I’d say if he was bothered by a sound like smth falling upstairs, then he shouldn’t be surprised that the sound of a door being slammed right in front of him wouldn’t be pleasant to his ears. So why the “even that” in the beginning of the second sentence?
- Fair point, but that's the literal translation. I slightly altered that passage in a way that makes more sense and still catches the nuance.
I looked at the "Mirror of Serenity". It was no doubt there.<--EEE: is he confirming that it's still there and no one has taken it? -grrarr-->
(yes, I want to know the answer to the question grarr posed here as well…)--idiffer 15:21, 16 September 2014 (CDT)
- I suppose that he's confirming that it exists, that it belongs to him. That it wasn't a dream.
