Talk:The Longing Of Shiina Ryo:Volume1 Chapter 1: Ryo

This story is very good. Please continue it into a published novel!

• I kind of lost hope on getting this properly published because, unfortunately, I've been told by every publishing house that works on manga these days we don't have a market for this. That's not going to keep me from writing this story, though; just from getting money. Then again, what is money when you can finally say you have something in common with the best novelists and artists of all time (and by that I mean "not being appreciated in his own time") despite being just an unemployed youngster sitting in front of a computer all day? - Ryuno

There are some noun/verb agreement errors here and there, but overall there are few errors.

• If you find those, you're free to edit the page; my mother language isn't English and that's why I still make the silliest mistakes ever despite constantly dropping technical/medical/literary jargon like words were bombs. By editing (and providing a justification you're helping me sound less like, say, Cedric Bixler-Zavala). Don't get me wrong, I love his work to death (maybe not the latest The Mars Volta album, but still); it's just that most of it is pure gibberish even for speculative fiction. Also, I digress. - Ryuno

More Kouma!

• Oh, boy: you're going to lo~~ove novel 3. The name is "The Kouma Yon Experiment" and that's pretty much all I'm going to say because I should better finish novel 2 first. She is my favorite character too, for all the wrong reasons. - Ryuno

although Kouma is a bitch most of the time. well i guess if u want a tsundere in your novel you dont have much choice.
btw, i think you're breaking the 4th wall a little too often. its great that you ARE breaking it, but i felt less involved and interested in the novel when every other page i was told that this is only a novel, by the main character no less.i mean, why feel for the characters if they themselves dont care if this is reality or fiction?
i dont mean to be a troll and i do like your novel, this is just constructive critiscism, which u can probably disregard.--Idiffer 11:02, 10 October 2010 (UTC)

• Shin-tsu might be the closest to the "only sane man" trope we've got so far but that doesn't mean he is right all the time: his "this is not real" hypothesis remains like that (not passing to the "theory" level) because he has no physical evidence of it nor can perform an experiment on the subject. He could just be wrong, especially because he has been through a lot of unfortunate incidents and might as well be a damaged unreliable person (who talks to himself, perhaps). He's not the only one. From the outsider point-of-view (or Kouma's, for that matter), Ryo can be seen as a delusional individual who clearly craves for a life full of fantastical elements and adding an absurd amount of knowledge in fiction and similar areas to the mixture cannot possibly result in a good thing. Kouma, on the other hand, has been around for a while and plays along whenever Ryo gets caught in such weird scenarios because she intends to protect her friend (mostly from what can hurt her feelings) although she is completely unaware of how damaged she is herself: she is overprotective, possessive, aggressive as a dog (a female dog, perhaps?), irresponsible and devoid of petty things such as common sense. What we have here, my friend, is a freak show with an increasing cast. I appreciate the criticism and I could never take someone who cares enough about the story to point out the bits that do not seem to fit (other than correcting things that are clearly mistakes) as a troll; you are a fellow gentleman who is doing what I expected/hoped my readers would do, and by that I mean "question everything and everyone". Myself included. - Ryuno
  

thanks for taking it in such an understanding manner. after your explanation i understand the situation with the 4th wall better. i hope Kouma realises that being too much of a dog is not the answer to everything.
btw, in my language(Russian) female dogs are called bitches, lol. i mean its a normal term. the bad meaning came later. although i'm not sure if thats the same in english. oh and yeah, english is also not my native language, lol. you can say half-native. there was a time when i knew english better than russian...
PS. you actually inspired me to try and write my own novel. i came up with the general idea,setting, characters and their past.also pretty much know the details of 1st chapter. even an ending already. need some filler material to convey the bonding of the characters, as there is no real "fight the bad guys" plot, mainly character development.and i need to write the whole thing. 10 pages of handwritten notes for now, just ideas i might use. i'm surprised how much fun making up a story is. even if i don't complete the novel, i will be happy with what i created only in my mind. i bet you weren't expecting such a reaction to your novel. that was pretty dramatic in its own way...
--Idiffer 16:27, 12 October 2010 (UTC)

• Recently I wrote a Kouma emotional breakdown scene and I dare say it's the best scene I have ever written, but I don't believe I will be able to put it in the next novel or the third. There is a special requirement for that to take place and it's such a big plot twist I cannot afford to just make it happen for at least a volume or two. Female dogs are called bitches everywhere, I presume. It's just that I'm a wee feminist and I find that particular word a little demeaning. That's why I make Shin-tsu say it my way, so I won't offend anyone with that by turning it into an adorable ironic euphemism. I am extremely happy to know that! Just don't fill a notebook of data before you actually start writing like I did; it takes a lot of time but in the end it doesn't help as much as you think (I can say that because I did that with The Underground Tower and despite having planned a lo~~ong story of epic proportions all I have written so far are two confusing chapters). What I am trying to tell you is the greatest advice a writer can receive and I wish I got this sooner: planning is great and a certain dosage of it is essential to anyone but Nabokov but in the end it's not writing, so just sit down and start your story and complete it because that is the most important part (otherwise, how can you inspire others to do the same?). Then edit, edit and edit once more while you try to get it published. I will be rooting for you. - Ryuno

Edits

stupid wiki shit prevents me from formatting this how i like. 1) after a festival (dedicated) to one of their local gods. (i added "dedicated") 2)trapped (in)(not "into") a mysterious murder case. (i replaced "into" with "in"). other edits follow the same pattern. 3)problems in (the)(not "a") not so distant future. 4)find myself in (a) numb state. 5)taste it leaves (in)(not "on") my mouth. 6)materialization of an object above my body for purpose(s) other than comedy would be rather terrifying. 7)I still needed to unpack but didn’t (feel)(not "felt") like doing so at the moment. 8)Before you manage to (mess) everything up again, right? (here its either "mess everything UP" or "ruin everything(without "up")") 9)when the one pointing (out) the flaws in your plans. 10)heard a lot of sayings that didn’t actually (work)(not "worked") on real life. 11)As she sweetly came in my direction, I noticed that I couldn't move or look (away) (instead of "around"). 12)The Sun smiled (at)(not "to") me. 13)I'm sorry, what did you just (say)(not "said")? 14)She smiled, looking so radiant I was afraid I (would)(not "could") go blind. 15)especially because I didn't (know)(not "knew"). (when its a negative sentance(did NOT(didn't),will NOT ), the verb remains unchanged.) 16)something that (no "it") was hard to believe (no "that") wasn't there from the start. 17)I forgot to send her a message (saying)(not "telling") that I was... (telling is usually used with adding the person, to whom you are telling something. like "telling ME") 18)entered the apartment and (went to sleep)(not "slept"). 19)For a reason I don't know why, I feel that I need to make it up for her. (not correct. other versions. "For a reason I don't know, I feel that I need to make it up to her." "I don't know why, but I feel that I need to make it up to her.") 20)It would be really inconsiderate of me, and we (have) know(n) each other for a while. 21)I need to think (of) something quick.

• Thank you very much for taking the time to correct this; not only you made my text less clumsy, you helped me improve my English skills! - Ryuno

--would it be too much to ask how to format stuff on baka-tsuki? i would have wanted each mistake to be on a separate line, but i dunno how to do that. i mean, its hard for u to read the mess i posted. btw, my input doesnt begin to compare to yours. you're an author) so its only natural for me to do what i can to help make this novel better in any way i can.but damn, it is hard to edit stuff, lol. i spent an hour on that last edit you replied to, but it was worth it. --Idiffer 13:20, 8 October 2010 (UTC)

• When the BT wiki keeps putting everything together on the same line, I use HTML tags to make things right. Here is an example:

1) after a festival (dedicated) to one of their local gods. (i added "dedicated")

2)trapped (in)(not "into") a mysterious murder case. (i replaced "into" with "in"). other edits follow the same pattern.

The BR tag was quite useful when the wiki made the dialogue confusing in the first posts. - Ryuno

---thanks, that helped immensely! what a relief...i'll redo the previous edit, maybe. and i'll deffinitely edit some more of chapter 1 today.--Idiffer 16:27, 8 October 2010 (UTC)

• Once again,thank you very much for your hard work. Ryuno

mistake for a (statue of a Greek goddess) (not "greek goddess statue")

and see that she might (not be)(not "be not") exactly like

With another movement of my untrustworthy fingers, I pressed the READ button and face(d) my destiny. (look up "sequence of tenses". you cant use different tenses like that.)

You see, both (choices) (not "sides") have bad points.
(really hard to explain. when you just choose smth, you dont use the word "side". "side" refers to ppl and most of all - allegiance to that group of ppl. like "whose side are you on, democratics or communists? ")

Deep (in)(not "into") my heart that is engulfed by despair, I know that it had... --Idiffer 11:33, 9 October 2010 (UTC)

---

---almost finished editing part 2.
stupid wiki messing up formating again.i didnt want those boxes around some sentences. the second one acrually split one sentence...damn. also, i try not to touch sentences i'm not too sure about. but there are a lot of things i would have phrased differently. but it can be seen as your own style, of sorts. it reminds me of how Yoda speaks sometimes.

1)(which didn't work out because my father (was) opposed (to) my career as a space marine).

2) She probably did not realize that she was making an awkward face, a (feat)(not "feature") which in her case was not a challenge at all.
(but i'm not really sure what you wanted to say. can you explain, please? maybe if i understood the meaning, i could edit more correctly)

3) a song that I could only believe (deleted "that") came from some...

4)I looked (at)(not "to") my cell phone

5)intrigued (deleted "the") humanity

6)people (who)(better than "that") believe that

7)reason of (their)(not "the") existence

8)I was just wondering how my life (had) reached this point

9)I'm used to (dealing)(not "deal") with "supernatural" weird

10)how (these)(not "this") people

11)you also (had sworn)(not swore) that you would bring

12)You wouldn't feel so awkward (waiting)(not "to wait") for a guy

13)a possible (feat)(not "feature") for someone.

14) (despite) The awfully loud music that seemed to fill every (corner of)(not "space in") the room, (deleted "but") my mind was completely silent

15)The peace only lasted for a blink (of an eye)

16) It was like someone made an enormous hole in the submerged submarine that was my mind(,) (deleted "and") the unfounded theories

(but not impossible to practice)
 (being)(not "were") the black waters of the ocean (deleted "that") (surrounding) (not "surrounded") it

17)They found their way in and (deleted "they") were filling
--Idiffer 15:51, 12 October 2010 (UTC)