Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume3 Prologue

Suggested revisions

I've made edits to the prologue, and below are the additional suggestions and questions I have. Thanks as always. --Cthaeh (talk) 18:52, 11 May 2014 (CDT)

Alice called out to him from the river’s shoal. ... // Back then, Alice had also called Orba and his brother over while standing in the river.

• Second sentence, the "also called out to Orba and his brother" seems strange to me because the sentence in the previous paragraph already says that Alice called out to Orba. I would have expected something like one of the following:

-... Alice had also called his brother over ...

-... Alice had also called his brother over in addition to Orba ...

When his eyes moved over the words, Orba turned from a powerless boy from a tiny back country into barbarian king Gape, ...

• I think the current wording "a tiny back country" implies that Mephius itself is a small and out-of-the-way country. That's not necessary wrong, but I was expecting it to be "a tiny back country town/village" or "a tiny back country area."

... he would always pick up his wooden sword and wield it so engrossedly until not a single drop of sweat could leave his body anymore.

• I think this a preference thing, but I like the phrasing "until not a single drop of sweat was left in his body."

It was at this time that he wished he could’ve given his brother a hand when he left. / ... / Orba had been too embarrassed and refused to give him a hand.

• I think the phrase "give ___ a hand" is used to mean "shake hands" here? Usually "give ___ a hand" means to help or assist, so I think those to instances should be replaced with "shake(n) hands". Or there are probably some other phrases if shake hands is too common.

Near the river bank, where the river got wider, even an adult wouldn’t be able to stand.

• This description was strange. Typically you'd think that near the river bank would be shallower; though it is true that near the outside bank of a bend in a river is likely to be the deepest part. Also, should "river got wider" be "river got deeper"? Otherwise I don't know what that means.

but even though the river’s transparency was high,

• Preference thing, I like "even though the river was relatively/quite/very clear".

The touch of her skin pushing against him, although it wasn’t the truth of what happened, left burning traces in his heart that remained there even now from that hot day long past.

• I don't understand what "although it wasn’t the truth of what happened" means in this context (what wasn't the truth?).