Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter4

Sentences

I believe this line is a little awkward.

He had found harvest in the the short exchange just now.

How about this line: He had harvested in the the short exchange just now .

• I believe it conveys the same meaning but naturally. What do you think? - Tasear

• Yea, what you proposed is better. Can you go ahead and change it? Thanks --Detalz (talk) 11:56, 29 November 2013 (CST)

• The original and above proposed revision still sound a little strange to me (I think just because the word ‘harvest’ is uncommon in this situation). To alleviate that unfamiliarity, I might add in “harvested useful information” in the above suggested revision. Or another possible revision from the original is “He had gleaned a few nuggets/gems in the…” (though I’m not entirely sure why I don’t think appending 'of useful information' is necessary in this second suggestion). Though both my suggestions are likely a larger divergence from the original JP. --Cthaeh (talk) 20:31, 27 December 2013 (CST)

• Yea, I gave up trying to have my translations bear any semblance to the original. I'm not opposed to using proverbs, but your suggestion with the nuggets seem a bit sudden and forced when I read it. ::*'Harvest from' seems to work fine for me, not as a standalone sentence, but as a sentence that it is eventually followed by a explanatory passage. But it's cases like this where you and I hold differing opinions that a third opinion is always welcome.....I'm actually a bit hesitant on this revision, which was why I didn't touch it. I guess I'll go with 'harvest from' in the meantime. --Detalz (talk) 19:43, 15 January 2014 (CST)

Suggested sentences for revision

Done with edits for chapter 4. Suggested revisions and questions below. Thanks for your translations as always. --Cthaeh (talk) 20:31, 27 December 2013 (CST)

I applied some edits that were marked as CaM but seemingly overlooked. The above revision suggested by Tasear was never implemented; and I added further suggestions to it, so I didn’t apply the change myself. Also, it doesn’t relate to this chapter, but woud it be more helpful to you for me to edit and comment on your translations (ch5) as you post part-by-part, or once the chapter is complete? --Cthaeh (talk) 19:32, 14 January 2014 (CST)

• Lol, it's not a problem to me. Just keep in mind that I may choose not to get back to the revisions until after I finish a chapter. Let loose on your edits. Alternative wordings/phrasings, choices in speech that you feel might better reflect a character/scenario, or might better suit a boy/girl etc, condensing certain sentences, etc. Don't worry too much about ending up altering sentence structures in your edits. If you overstep your bounds, I'll tell you. Thanks as always, and for catching those edits I always seem to skip over.....P.S. If you ever want to do edits a different way, I don't mind as well. I'm a bit confused why you haven't registered yourself as an editor for this series and To Aru Majutsu, considering the sheer workload you've committed...If you want, I could add you in there. Or is it that you prefer to remain unnamed? --Detalz (talk) 19:43, 15 January 2014 (CST)

• I'd also like to ask a question about part 3 for this chapter, where Orba tells Pashir to "Shut up." on the 8th line from the last. This response feels like it's missing something. Would use of an exclamation be better? Or maybe a more vulgar version? "Shut your trap." "Shut your trap!", "Shut your gob" "Shut the fuck up", "Shut your filthy mouth."...Play around with the commas and exclamations. I'm not sure which to use, since it is an outburst, but it's also somewhat contained. You may edit it yourself, if you feel you can fix it without further consultation. --Detalz (talk) 19:43, 15 January 2014 (CST)
• For me, “shut your trap” or “shut your gob” are a little weaker or less vulgar than just plain “shut up”. The ones that I find most exclamation-like are “Shut up!” or “Shut the fuck up!” depending on the kind of language you want to use. In an attempt to add an idea, I’d say “Shut up you bastard!” would be somewhere in between those two. However, I’m one of the last people you should ask about profanities, and I don’t think I’m any more confident on my exclamation creativity than you, so I won’t make a choice myself. --Cthaeh (talk) 20:39, 15 January 2014 (CST)

• I noticed you used fuckin' in c5 (I didn't remember it being used previously). So as long as the translation is using that, then "Shut the fuck up!" or "Shut your fuckin' mouth!" are the ones I'd consider the strongest and most exclamation-like.

• From a reader’s perspective, I have a slight preference to wait until the chapter is complete. But it wouldn’t be much different for me to read/edit partwise if that helped you more. It sounds like it doesn’t matter to you much either way. The reason I haven’t added my name to the list is mainly due to apathy. If you think it would be useful or appropriate, then you can add my name. I just never thought there was enough value to justify the extra revision to the page. --Cthaeh (talk) 20:39, 15 January 2014 (CST)

This is something that I’ve typically done in my edits, but it occurs often enough that I’ll bring it up to ask if you agree. There are fairly often sentences constructed of the form “[noun], [alternate name of noun] [verb]”. I typically add a comma to change them to “[noun], [alternate name of noun], [verb]”. An example of this would be “at the time the previous empress, Lana-sama was alive” changed to “at the time the previous empress, Lana-sama, was alive” (though I haven’t actually changed this example in the text yet). I believe this is an actual rule, but I wanted to check if you agree?

I’ll follow up with a related example: I would change “the emperor, Guhl Mephius’ gaze held a pressure” to “the emperor’s, Guhl Mephius’, gaze held a pressure” (I have already made this change in the chapter). While this is the same as above in terms of the question of comma use, it also adds the question of how to use the possessive __’s in this sentence structure. Again, this is what I thought the actual grammar rule was. Do you agree with that change? --Cthaeh (talk) 20:31, 27 December 2013 (CST)

• I agree with the first example of changes. However, your second proposed instance is grammatically incorrect. In cases of possessive nouns preceded directly by commas, it is the accepted rule that the second comma is always dropped. Also, thanks for the detailed revisions. I've also done some for Dohma, so I know how tedious it can be. I'll respond back to the comments later. A bit busy until New Years. Happy Holidays and a late Merry Christmas to you. --Detalz (talk) 15:29, 28 December 2013 (CST)
• Noted and fixed. I read up a little more on appositives and learned a bit (like that name). Have a happy New Years. --Cthaeh (talk) 19:06, 28 December 2013 (CST)

Part 1

They spent some time discussing about Garbera, Ende’s movements, and also how starting with their longtime enemy, the Bozgan House from the west, new activities had come about in a group of Tauran fortress cities after which, Simon seemingly by chance brought up Zaat’s name.

• This sentence is a bit long, and the structure is somewhat difficult to follow (though not necessarily wrong). How I interpreted it was that the Bozgan House was a part of the Tauran fortress cities. I think it could be split into 2-3 sentences depending on preference. The three sentence worthy concepts I see are discussing Garbera and Ende’s movements, the Bozgan House / Tauran fortress cities, and the “after which, …” Simon bringing up Zaat’s name.

• A simple sentence break should do the trick here. I'll keep note in the future to further modify these run-ons to an acceptable English equivalent. Changed to "...Tauran fortress cities. After this, Simon brought up Zaat's name seemingly by chance." Or would 'Simon seemingly brought up Zaat's name by chance' work better?

• I like the first a little better.

• Ok.

“After that, the house arrest was immediately called off. His majesty was flaring up at the time, but I myself did not take it to heart. That is why I was free of ease.

• Second sentence, I was unsure when “at the time” referred to. I would normally assume it continued from the previous sentence and referred to when it was called off. But I think the content pretty clearly indicates it is the time of the incident that caused the house arrest. So there’s a little mismatch between sentence-to-sentence continuity and the content. If you agreed that was an issue, you could fix that by using something like “at the time of the incident/argument/arrest.”

• Changed to 'at the time of the incident'

• Third sentence, suggesting changing to “was free of worry” or “was at ease.”

• Changed to 'was at ease'

His majesty has not bestowed any punishment or of the sorts. From here on forth as well, if you were even to show your undying loyalty for Mephius—”

• I would remove “forth”, but you may have that there intentionally for olden English. I would also remove “even”; I have trouble explaining why, but I feel like it doesn’t fit there. The second sentence is obviously supposed to be cut-off, and I couldn’t guess what it was starting to say, but that’s not necessarily a problem.

• Noted. I'll be keeping 'forth' and changing the second sentence to "if you were to so much as show..."

His majesty has been frequently meeting with a messenger from Ende one right after the next. The contents of it can be easily guessed—.

• I was confused, is he meeting with multiple messengers from Ende, or one messenger in multiple meetings? For the former, I suggest using the plural messengers. For the latter, I suggest changing “frequently meeting with” to “frequently holding meetings with” so that ‘one’ is more easily identified as referring to the meeting instead of the messenger.

• As you suspected, it is the latter. Changed to 'frequently holding meetings'

• Second sentence, as long as I wasn’t too far off in my understanding of the first, I think ‘it’ should be ‘them’ (referring to the plural ‘meetings’).

• CaM

If Lord Simon was to stand centre amongst them, nobles garnering high popularity and the great majority will give up their name to the cause.

• ‘Give up’ implies they are losing or forfeiting their name, which I’m pretty sure isn’t the intent. Suggest changing to ‘offer’, ‘offer up’, or ‘give’.

• Changed to 'offer up'

They exchanged some idle chatter and played only a single bout of a recreational board game, when he immediately stood up.

• Suggest changing “and played only” to “and had just finished playing only”. I think that the transition to the next clause via ‘when’ would work better with a specific point in time is defined (‘when (they finished)’).

• Strangely, this setting implied that they played one game, and before they finished, he stood up. That's why a few lines later, Oubary said "Let us continue this some other time."

• I guess "played" implies to me that they finished their game (completed the 'play' action). I would probably personally word it as "and were playing a single bout" in that case.

• .....How did I not notice that. Corrected(Ok, I'll do it tomorrow. Probably.)

Ever since the wedding between Prince Gil and Princess Vileena had been decided, relations between Garbera and Ende approached a state of tension.

• ‘Ever since’ implies a continuous action, so keeping that, I would suggest changing the end to “Ende had been approaching”. Or if leaving the tense at the end the same, I would suggest changing ‘Ever since’ to ‘After’ (and probably also the tense to "had approached").

• Changed to 'had been approaching'

There were even rumours he had been poisoned to death, though he did appear in public before the citizens a mere two times in the most recent year.

• One suggestion is changing “he did appear” to “he had appeared”. But I was also a little confused by the meaning here. One interpretation I was guessing was that there were rumors even though he had appeared two times, in which case ‘mere’ seems out of place. The other was that there were rumors because he had appeared only two times. I also suggest changing the ‘though’ and other words if appropriate to clarify the meaning.

• There were these rumours despite him having attended two 'official' sittings, is what it's supposed to mean. 'Mere' is supposed to reflect the miniscule quanitity of times this event occurred, which aided in spurring on such rumours. Would substituting 'a mere two times' with 'a measly two times' make any difference at all?

Here is one proposed change to adhere's to modern grammatical structure(because I'm not sure whether solving one part might fix the clarity issue). "There were even rumours he had been poisoned to death, in spite of him having appeared in public before the citizens if not a measly two times in the most recent year." Though I would like the fewest number of changes possible in absolving this issue, because I'm a horrible writer that likes to make readers go around in circles interpreting these vague sentences *insert evil laugh* (Isn't that how olden literature words things as well?)

• I find it strange that the sentence represents what I see as two different concepts. #1 there were rumors despite him appearing two times; and #2 the rumors arose because he appeared only two times. In one case the two appearance are expected to be a force against the the rumors (but ineffective), in the other they are a source of the rumors. While those aren't inherently exclusive, I find it strange to combine them into a single sentence. I'll put down the following revision. It's probably too large of a change, but it may help confer my thoughts or give you ideas. I like it best without the ending bit in parenthesis, but if I were forced to put both concepts #1 and #2 in, then that's how I'd do it (so that they're very separate).

Because he had only appeared in public before the citizens a mere two times in the past year, there were even rumours that he had been poisoned to death( despite those two appearances).

• Sorry, my explanation led to a misunderstanding. The grand duke only appearing those two times was insufficient to act as a deterrent for the rumours(which I misleadingly described as 'spurring on' the rumours). The dots connecting these two points indicate contrast rather than correlation, so I will be rewording it to "Despite his public appearances before the public if not only a measly two times in the past year, there existed rumours that he might even have been poisoned to death." Though looking at the other proposed sentences, they're all starting to look the same.

• I don't think you intended the double use of 'public'; also the phrase 'if not only' isn't something I'd use. And at this point I think I'm going in a circle and coming back to my original comment (where I suggest removing 'mere'/'measly'). So if we're starting to loop around, I'll leave it at that and you can make your final decision.

and Eric profused in the arts of war

• ‘Profused’ is something that spellcheck and the dictionary don’t seem to consider a word, and only count ‘profuse’ as an adjective (not a verb). I see that wiktionary has an entry on it as verb, but my personal knowledge and preference is consistent with the dictionary, that it is not a word. I would suggest changing to ‘proficient’ or similar.

• I might keep up as profused, since I'm sure it does exist as a verb(though never used these days). But just in case I do decide to change it, would you pick 'flourished' or 'was proficient'?

• I would probably use 'was proficient', but I think they're pretty similar and just a matter of personal preference.

it would seem it was only a matter of time until his demise, and when Ende would ready its troops.

• If I understand correctly, I suggest changing the end to “demise, at which time Ende would...”

• It was supposed to be 'and that was when', but I'll go with yours.

(After Zaat had read the letter from Noue) // That cursed Noue. I cannot stomach that man. // Zaat had mentioned before that a couple of days ago, Guhl Mephius secretly met with a messenger from Ende. It was held in absolute secrecy, but Noue had in some way, through his informational network, grasped the contents of that meeting.

• I’m a bit confused on the bolded portion. When it says Zaat ‘had mentioned before’, is that referring to a conversation Zaat had with another character? Or is a strange style of referring to previous monologue or narration (from Zaat’s perspective)? If it’s the former, then my only suggestion is to move ‘a couple of days ago’ to the end of the sentence and remove the comma. If it’s the latter, then I’ll come back with more discussion or suggestions.

• Zaat had mentioned it to Fedom in Chapter 1. Changed to "Zaat had mentioned it a couple of days ago,"

That, and the matter of Ryucown’s attempted assassination of the royal family, could also well possibly be brought up and Vileena be made to return to her country.

• Suggest changing ‘well possibly’ to ‘very possibly’.

• Errr, I believe they're synonymous though? I'll just mention that my rather unorthodox choice of wordings are written with the time period of this book in mind. Still, that doesn't necessarily make it right in all cases *cough*. CaM

Waiting in the horse wagon Zaat Quark faced were the group of soldiers under his command—leaders of the Blue Archery Division.

• The way I read this sentence was that Zaat Quark was facing a horse wagon, and the horse wagon contained a group of soldiers. That seemed a little strange, is that correct? Also, I typically think of a ‘wagon’ as low class or for transporting freight. If he is traveling in it, I would more commonly picture a ‘horse-drawn carriage’ (or you’ve used ‘horse carriage’ elsewhere). But I don’t actually know if that’s right here.

• So that was what was missing....I always though horse carriage was somewhat lacking. Horse-drawn carriage it is. Thanks.

• So I should change any other instances of 'horse carriage' that I notice in the future to 'horse-drawn carriage'?

• Sure, why not. I don't think I'll have any trouble typing that out myself in future translations though.

• I just noticed "horse wagon" didn't get changed. Was that intentional, or should it it be horse-drawn carriage?
• Changed.

Since shortly before, he had relayed the signal that pressed them to ready themselves.

• ‘Since shortly before’ didn’t seem to fit (‘since’ implying continuous or ongoing mismatching with the one-time event of ‘relayed the signal’). I would suggest ‘A short while ago, he had…”

• CaM.

The following day, right before noon, Simon Rodloom had unexpectedly met face-to-face with Noue Salzantes at the Solon grand stadium. // Last night, immediately after Noue sent off the wooed noblewomen by horse carriage, Simon scheduled to visit Kaiser, who had been transferred to the underground cellar of the stadium. // After exchanging greetings, (followed by a conversation/exchange between Noue and Simon)

• I was confused by the middle (second) line. The first and third lines seem connected (Simon and Noue meeting). However, the second line is talking about Noue and a woman, and Simon and Kaiser. It seemed very out of place since it was interrupting lines relating to Simon and Noue’s meeting.

• I was also very confused when translating this line. I think it's to explain the circumstances that led Simon to show up? I'll have to check with the raws. *cough*Later*cough*

“I am completely fascinated with the gladiator games. The one in the most recent year was by all means a sight to see.”

• I wasn’t sure if “one in the most recent year” meant he had gone to other gladiator games? Or if he was referring to the festival’s gladiator games the previous year, which is what “The one” implies to me? If it’s the second case, then I suggest changing to “one in the previous year” or “one in the past year”. I agree that, the use of ‘most recent’ to refer to the last occurrence, but I think it becomes awkward when used during the current iteration of occurrence (gladiator games) and still refers to the previous iteration.

• Damn. I was hoping I could get away with this one. CaM.

It’d be good to have him as an ally, but it would be far easier to predict his movements as the small accessory similarly to how Zaat Quark is.

• I assume ‘small accessory’ means something similar to someone who has an easily directed minor role, which in some cases could be described by ‘pawn’. If that’s right, then it’s ok as is, but there might be other things that fit a little better (such as ‘pawn’ if that fits). Also, suggest small changes of “as a small accessory similar to how”.

• Yepyep, the raws use 'small accessory'. Maybe additional rewording might be better? "as a small accessory that Zaat Quark similarly is."

• either one seems about the same to me.

Noue observed that he too, possessed an easily manipulatable personality.

• ‘Manipulatable’ is not an actual word. If you wanted to correct it, I think ‘easily manipulated’ would work fine.

• I think the meaning differs from 'easy to manipulate' personality.

Discontent amongst the Mephian nobles towards the emperor was smouldering. That was also looked into, of course. That was why he hatched a plan to throw but a single fuel in there, but then the matter with Kaiser and Zaat occurred, and things suddenly began to advance in his favour.

• The italicized phrase is a bit strange. ‘A single match’ might be a more common phrase, but it doesn’t quite fit. My more liberal revision to make it fit would be “he hatched a plan that only required him to throw in a single match, but then...”

• CaM

What Noue hung uneasy over was the existence of Ende’s ally, the powerful eastern country of Arion.

• Suggested revision of “hung uneasy over” to “dwelled uneasily over”.

• CaM

Were the country of Garbera to engage this country from afar in a single battle, it would not stand the slightest of chances.

• This really isn’t a big issue, but I tripped up when I first read this because I interpreted ‘from afar’ to apply to the engagement (in battle, which doesn’t really make sense), rather than the country itself. My word choice would be changing “this country from afar” to “this faraway country”. However, it was probably just random that I tripped over something this obvious, so ignore you prefer the original.

• CaM. 'faraway country' is the better choice. I just don't/can't think of these alternatives while translating.

And above all, Mephius would without a doubt reform its alliance with Garbera this time coming.

• ‘This time coming’ seemed a bit strange to me. Maybe ‘this time around’ would be better?

• They are synonymous. Yours would be more modern.

“How is your family?” // I have told them not to come. Kaiser turned pale and then smiled. “Milord, what of the future of the Kaiser House?”

• This italicized portion is as it appears in the chapter, but I thought it should be normal quotes (speech)? I could be intentional as italicized thoughts, but I thought the next normal quoted portion was a strange reply.

• Yep, accidentally used the wrong quotes. Should be normal.

To Simon, he was a sincere man with little to no taste. However, he felt it truly representative of this one man that he remained since and all too serious for his own good, to the very end.

• I thought perhaps ‘remained since’ was intended to be ‘remained sincere’?

• Bingo. My typos are getting worse it seems. Or just possibly more frequent.

“I do not hold a grudge against him. Just that, at the time the previous empress, Lana-sama was alive, granted he still held a fiery temper, but no matter who the person, so long as he held the strength his majesty desired, it would become a cause for celebration. But now, his majesty cannot even trust himself. In this one month, I have wept, clamoured, and cried out some thousand complaints across the empty skies, but right now, it will not serve to sadden his majesty.”

• The end of the second sentence, “it would become a cause for celebration,” seemed a little strange to me. I’m not sure, but maybe “he would be honored” would be better. Also, that sentence has a lot of segments, so I might rearrange. Without changing anything else, one revision I’d do to get rid of a comma is rearranging the end to “the person, it would become a cause for celebration so long as he …”

• CaM

• I wasn’t sure of the meaning of the end of the last sentence, “it will not serve to sadden his majesty.” Is he saying he doesn’t want to sadden the emperor, or that the emperor won’t take notice of Kaiser? I thought it was the second, and I that replacing “serve to sadden” with “move” would be slightly more natural phrasing.

• Changed to "it will not move His Majesty to tears."

Part 2

There was a plentiful selection of meat, as if indicative of a glutton, that was more than likely to make one sick following their morning bout.

• What is “their morning bout”?

• It refers to a morning routine, except it covers a slightly longer span of time until near noon. Here's my definition: the things a person goes about in a typical morning day

• I guess I typically think of a 'bout' as a match, or an short exchange as in a fight. Maybe just different word association.

• Yea, bout has several different meanings. It's meaning here refers to 'an interval of time', but I'm sure you already looked it up by now.

The former prince Gil might have refrained from speaking himself out.

• “Speaking himself out” doesn’t sound natural to me. I suggest removing ‘himself’.

• CaM

Guhl Mephius’ gaze held a pressure on a scale of a different dimension compared to those he had faced until now.

• Italicized portion seemed strange. Suggested revision to something like “on a completely different scale/dimension”

• Alright. But wouldn't 'pressure of' be better than 'pressure on' in your revision?

• I think I'd use "pressure on", but I'll leave it to you.

“Your majesty previously mentioned that in the history of Mephius, it was not without incident that a member of the imperial family participated in a gladiatorial match, but the circumstances of the era were far too different and should not be used as a comparison.”

• To me, the phrase ‘it was not without incident that’ implies that there were incidents and problems. From context I was expecting the phrase ‘it was not uncommon for’.

• 'Without incident' is correct. There is no nuance that implied it was common even back then.

“Up to the remaining last, they have all been heroes that do not shame their title…”

• I couldn’t figure out what “up to the remaining last” meant?

• 'up to the very last', 'up to the most recently elected heroes' etc. 'Remaining' seems to imply those currently still alive.

Ineli stealthily sneaked out with a smile that spread across her whole face.

• The current phrasing implies to me that Ineli left the room with a smile. That’s not necessarily wrong, but the text has used the phrase ‘sneaked out a smile’ or similar to just mean a smile appeared on her face (but Ineli stayed in the room), so I just wanted to double check?

• Err.....how'd that 'with' end up in the sentence? It should not be there >.>. Removed.

People’s responses naturally went both ways. // “The prince has been living up to our expectations.” // And there being those wholeheartedly approved of it, // “Is the prince not only pulling along at the glory of his first campaign?” // There were also those who criticized him behind his back.

• I thought it was a little unusual that the narration describing the sentiments of the people went after the example dialogue of each view. However, the main thing with the current version is phrasing and structure of the third line (“And there being…”) implies that the following sentence is the corresponding view point, however it is the preceding sentence that matches it. Assuming the line order will be left as is, I would change that line to “There were those who wholeheartedly approved of it.” And then the fourth line to “And there were also those who criticized…”.

• Yea, the japanese tend to describe things both before and after they're spoken. CaM.

For him, the puppet, Orba, whom he had gone through great lengths to put in place was nonsensically braving away at danger that risked his life under his very nose.

• ‘braving away at danger’ seems a little strange; suggesting ‘throwing himself in harm’s way’, ‘exposing himself to danger’, or ‘taking on danger’. Something else is that the “his life” and “his very nose” are a little ambiguous. As is, the most logical interpretation is that both ‘his’ refer to Fedom (his life would be in danger if Orba is exposed). If that's not the case, or if you use any of the suggested revision that include ‘himself’ then I’d suggest it be clarified further.

• Changed to "For him, the puppet Orba, whom he had gone through great lengths to put in place, was nonsensically throwing himself into harm's way and risking his own life under his very nose." Orba is risking his own life under Fedom's nose. If it is still unclear, I'm not sure how to make it more so, since this sentence does take the perspective of Fedom.

• Well I brought up "his (Orba's) own life under his (Feedom's) very nose" because the subject of the 'his' changes without a clear redefinition. But on looking at it again, maybe this is the most natural way to word it. I think perhaps this is just something that the English language deals poorly with.

However, Orba had directly appealed to the emperor and it was already something Fedom could no longer overturn.

• ‘already’ and ‘no longer’ are a little redundant with each other.

• Changed to "could not overturn"

Just then, he happened Vileena, who ran his way.

• I think there’s a word or words missing in the middle?

• 'happened across Vileena'.

Last night, when she had come to visit him, it remained well hidden. Her aggressive manner resurfaced now once again.

• ‘it’ in the first sentence refers to ‘her aggressive manner’, which is defined in the second sentence (awkward ordering). I suggest swapping those two phrases (‘it’ and ‘her aggressive manner’) between the sentences.

• Ugh, I've come to notice I preserve the commas from the raws too often. "Last night when she had come to visit him" is just as grammatically plausible if not more. CaM.

It completely matched the one she made when she squared off against the prince as they proceeded for Zaim Fortress for not making a single move.

• ‘proceeded for’ [edit: didn't] fit very well in my opinion. If it’s supposed to imply motion, I like ‘advanced on’. However, I thought that conversation occurred when they were camped in one place and waiting; so I would suggest something like ‘sought to conquer’ or ‘sieged’.

• Er, you meant 'proceeded for' didn't fit very well? The verb used here meant "as they were making their way towards', 'as they were heading towards', 'as they were in the process of advancing towards', with a end destination in mind. Though the nuance seems to imply they were going there to siege the fortress, I don't think there's a need to deliberately word it out. Take your pick(out of yours or mine)! They all sound the same to me lol.

• (Yes about the "didn't"). Can I tweak one of yours and say "as they were advancing towards".

• Ok, I'll be using that then.

Having exceeded his emotional threshold, Orba angrily ran rampant with his words. <!--This sentence might have to be simplified a bit since it might ruin the mood-->

• I’m not really sure about the mood. And I can’t really say why, so this may be a personal preference thing, but I like the sound of “Orba’s anger ran rampant in his words.”

• I like yours better too. CaM

And still all the same, the slaves only watched.

• It’s somewhat minor/preference, but I feel like “And once again,” would better fit the first half of the sentence.

• CaM

He held the status of a slave, and could not freely move as he pleased.

• ‘freely’ and ‘as he pleased’ are a bit redundant; also, I like ‘move about’ over ‘move’. Suggesting “could not move about as he pleased.”

• CaM. Redundancy is probably going to be a recurring problem in my translations.

Part 3

As he held the status of a slave in this situation, he was placed in the same anteroom as the other sword slaves, but he being an Imperial Guard, was placed in a narrow, but specially prepared room and of course, his feet were also free of chains.

• I was confused because the first half makes it sound like he’s with the other slaves, but the second half puts him in his own room. Also this sentence has a lot of segments; depending on the meaning after clarification, it might be better to split off some of it. One possible revision might be just splitting off “And of course, his” as its own sentence.

• I'll provide a minor description to elaborate on the translation first. The sentence meant the slaves were all places into the same 'holding room', and within this room, a specialized compartmentalized 'room/cell' was prepared for Orba. Modifying the sentence to: "As he held the status of a slave in this tournament, he was placed in the same anteroom as the other slaves, but his being an Imperial Guard placed him in a narrow, but specially prepared room. Of course, his feet were also free of chains."

• Sounds good to me.

And yet to be seen amongst them was Orba’s match, whose turn soon to follow suit.

• I’m pretty sure it needs something added in the second half. I think “whose turn was soon to” might fix it, but this isn’t a sentence style/structure I’m very confident with.

• It's not a sentence restructure. I just tend to skip over a word pretty often when I'm typing(Thinking faster than i can type lol). 'Was' was in fact the word I omitted in this instance.

Somewhat intrigued, he asked for her name, and received ‘Mira’ as her reply. And in doing so, she fidgeted around, as if there was something she wanted to say.

• In the second sentence, I suggest changing to “And while doing so”, “And after doing so” (depending on intent), or changing it entirely based on the topic of the next bullet point.
• Also, there’s a little be of mismatch in that Orba is the one performing the action in the first sentence (“[Orba] received ‘Mira’ as her reply”), but the ‘And in doing so’ is transition that would be more suited if Mira had been the active one in the previous sentence. Keeping that transition, I would suggest changing to “name, and she gave ‘Mira’ as her reply”. Or keeping the first sentence as is, a less specific transition could be “And after that, she fidgeted…”

• Following the first suggestion(it's a really good one btw).

Early morning, Ineli and the rest had, before Prince Gil, invited him to observe the festival with them.

• Suggest changing the first bit to “Earlier that morning”. Also, the “before Prince Gil” seemed out of place. Maybe it was supposed to be something like “had invited him as Prince Gil to observe the festival with them”? I would also change ‘observe’ to ‘attend’.

• Changed to "Early morning, Ineli and the rest had appeared before Prince Gil and invited him to observe the festival with them."

With deep black coloured hair and moustache, his height was slightly taller than Orba, though he possessed a massive frame.

• Suggest changing ‘his height’ to ‘he’ (taller works better with people, and to match to ‘Orba’ rather than ‘Orba’s height’ later in the sentence. Also, if I understand the intent behind using ‘though’, then I suggest adding ‘only’ in “____ was only slightly taller”.

• CaM for both suggestions.

Orba turned around and saw the back of the bulk man.

• I’m pretty sure this is just a matter of ‘bulk’ to ‘bulky’, but I’m listing it here just to double check.

• Yea, missed a 'y' here, though you're right that bulk would also work.

Even those in the first row were situated far and high away from Orba, that even his face seemed smaller than a grain of rice, and unable to see him, they crammed the seats full in their zeal to get a better view.

• Suggested change to “were situated so high and far away from Orba that even his…” (added ‘so’; reversed order because ‘high away’ didn’t sound right).

• CaM.

And maintain your compose.”

• I think this should be “composure”.

• Yep. Fixed.

Miguel greeted him without a hint of hesitation. Orba never once replied back to gladiators who greeted him in this way. He stayed silent this time coming as well.

• Last sentence: Suggest removing ‘coming’.

• CaM.

However, that was a feint, and he had only stamped out his forefeet.

• I forefeet seemed strange (plural?). Suggesting “stamped out with his forefoot.”

• Oops. CaM.

Miguel’s attack, disguised as a feint, had finally reached his mask. // The crowd gasped in amazement and at how in that instant, Orba was even closer to Pashir. It was not that the sword had reached it so much as Orba stepping in, resulting in the tip of the sword thrusting itself against the mask into a forceful halt.

• I was confused in the last sentence. The wording made it sound like the sword was stopped by colliding with Orba’s mask. But stopping a full sword blow with a mask seems like it would hurt a lot (in theory a helmet is supposed to do that, but I think even a grazing blow to a helmet would still likely disorientate the defender).

• Usually, yes. But I believe Orba stepped in before Miguel could employ his full strength, thus stopping the blow and absorbing it while it was premature.

What Baton found most displeasing was how her eyes moistened and her cheeks dyed red. He suspected it did not result from a carnal fervour. And in fact, Ineli was unusually worked up.

• The ‘and in fact’ implies that Baton was correct in suspecting that it was not a carnal fervour. But if it’s not sexual desire, then what exactly is her state supposed to be (what does ‘unusually worked up’ mean)? In the following paragraphs, the word choice of “pleasurable feeling” and “pleasant sensation” implied a sexual context to me. I might try to suggest alternative phrasing for those if I understood what her mentality is supposed to be a little better.

• Er, I think you understood carnal fervour wrong(or I just chose the wrong words here). Carnal fervour is supposed to mean 'a strong desire to see bloodshed'. I suppose it could use some rewording.

• OK, I guess carnal can just mean bodily, but it very often refers to bodily in the sexual sense. 'desire for bloodshed' or similar seems better to me.

• I meant to use carnal to refer to an 'insatiable appetite(for blood)' and was unaware that it was commonly used to refer to sexual activities. Thus, I propose two alternatives: 1) 'carnal fervour for blood' for clarification, or 2) 'murderous frenzy'. If you think either works, I'll go with 'desire for bloodshed' but I personally think it looks ugly.

• 1 or 2 seem fine to me. The association of 'carnal' to it's sexual meaning is so strong for me that I probably wouldn't use it unless I wanted at least some of that association, but saying "for blood" should make it clear enough that it's perfectly fine. Also, I'm not sure it would fit here, but "bloodlust" is a pretty common phrase (1 and 2 are still fine).

He had not spared her a single glance and left her there when he saved her from the dragon, and to add insult, he offered his hand to that foreign princess of all things, when she was one step away from striking her a blow that would humiliate her beyond redemption.

• Suggested revision to (multiple changes): He had not spared her a single glance and left her there when he saved her from the dragon. And to add further insult, he offered his hand to that foreign princess of all things, just when Ineli had been only one step away from striking her a blow that would humiliate her beyond redemption.

• CaM

He was pit against the golden haired animal, supposedly transported over from the eastern lands, of which his name took after, the tiger, and then crossed swords against gladiators in a two for one.

• I think “a golden haired animeal” and “a tiger” would be more appropriate than ‘the’. Also, I didn’t understand what a “two for one” is. Is it a “two versus one”?

• Lol. Anime. CaM. And yes, a 'two for one' is a 'two versus one'

• Shhh... The 'al' key is right next to the 'e' key on my keyboard; it's a custom one.

• How interesting...ly suspicious. If you don't mind me asking, what was it that made you want to customize your keyboard? It seems like a pain to relearn all the keys' positions.

• Um...Umm... I have to type 'al' alot in work, so I got rid of my 'w' key. Who likes 'w' anyways.

Orba did not return to the palace this night and requested the supervisor of the camp to sleep in the same room as the slaves.

• Suggested change to “and asked the supervisor of the camp”.

• CaM.

Orba glimpsed at Pashir who was seated opposite him. He was once again looking in Orba’s direction. Once their eyes met, he would immediately raise his empty cup into the air. Mira rushed over in a trot carrying a vase and poured water into the cup.

• I thought the use of ‘would’ in the third sentence is a little strange. It implies that he raised his cup multiple times whenever their eyes met. However, in that case, the last sentence with Mira’s follow up action should also use ‘would’.

• Revised to "...into the air and Mira would rush over in a trot..."