Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter2

I'm going to take the more liberal approach to translating this chapter, since direct translation is giving me a headache trying to not make the sentences sound awkward. There were 2 sentences in the first part I wasn't too sure about. --Detalz (talk) 21:50, 22 August 2013 (CDT)

• Sorry for my late reply, I've been a bit too busy for time lately. --Dohma (talk) 16:05, 10 September 2013 (CDT)

カインだって、バイアンニ頭を引かせての戦車銃撃競技なら、ソロンで名の知れたどんな剣闘士より上手くやるだろうに. "And then there’s Kain; I’d like to see someone that can best him in a gunning match against two Baian tanks.”

• Are they actually using tanks here, or alluring the tanks to the Baians' thick armor.

• Because Kain, while he brought down two Baian heads in a tank shooting contest (that's really what I get here...), would do better than any gladiator renowned in Solon.; I don't think the tank refers to the Baians. But I'm not so sure what a tank shooting contest is in this context.

• Yea, I had a hard time making out exactly what it was saying, and that's the only sentence to use as reference on this so called 'tank shooting match'. I don't think 引かせて can mean 'to bring down'(an animal). Doesn't the 'bringing down' definition originate from 引かす? I thought it was strictly for monetary usage. I figure 引かせて is most likely the causative form of 引く in this case, "a shooting contest on a tank(made to be) pulled by 2 Baians" or "a shooting contest with tanks that (are normally used to) carry 2 Baians", either of which I find mind-blowing. I have no idea what a 'tank' is capable of in this novel. --Detalz

オルバは「初陣での活躍に有頂天になっている皇子]. "Orba began, 'I’m extremely pleased with my success with my first campaign,'”

• Not sure if I should keep it as is. Could someone offer their interpretation?

• I'm not sure if this is spoken, which page is this? Anyway, for now I'd translate it as "Orba was 'the prince who had become ecstatic for his activities in his first campaign'".

• It's on pg. 68 in the middle of the page. I'm sure the author uses quotation marks here. --Detalz

Found it, but I don't think it is spoken. Full sentence: その後も、オルバは「初陣での活躍に有頂天になっている皇子」の振りをつづけた。 The brackets are used to emphasize that these are probably Fedom's orders, or maybe his own approach at playing a double. It's the オルバは「．．．」の振りをつづけた that convinces me of this. I'd translate it like: After that, Orba continued to act as 'a prince who had become excited for his activities in his first campaign'. --Dohma (talk) 10:28, 11 September 2013 (CDT)

• Changed. Thanks for the help as usual.

---

Chapter 2 Terminologies

Here are the romanizations of the terms I came across in the chapter I'm not too sure about.

ガイザー Geyser (dragon species)

マ・ドゥーク – Ma'Duk [Changed] (dragon species)

• Like I said in the forums, 'Duke' might be confusing, so I'd consider Dhouk/Douk/Dook/Dhook, whatever, as long as it's sorta phonetically the same. --Dohma

ノウェ・サウザンテス – Noue Salzantes

• There's a guy in Drakengard 2 with the same name and it's romanized Nowe; but probably with an emphasis on 'we'. --Dohma
• Also, I think Sozantes (or Souzantes, but the 'u' may be unnecessary here) is closer to the original. Salzantes would be サルザンテス, I think.--Dohma

• Isn't サウ read as (Sau)? In which case, the english equivalent sounds most similar to the 'sou' in sour, or "sow," "sao," "sal," with which I chose the last option. Besides the l at the end of a word, ル is rarely used to emulate 'L' sounds that don't equate "Loo" or "Lu" in sounds in beginning/middle of words in my opinion. And somehow, I'm finding Nowe to not match his last name, so I'll probably stick with Noue.

『豪腕』パーシル– Strong-armed Pashir

旦那さま – my(the) master

• I went with master since you did, but I think my lord/milord/my liege might be a bit better based on the setting.

• When I come across it when proofchecking I'll hand out a 'verdict', but I haven't come across 旦那さま myself yet, so do what you think sounds best. I actually like 'my liege' - I haven't thought of that one yet. I don't think lord is necessary here, because 旦那 is used for a person of higher status, but also for customers or even husbands. It doesn't have that 'noble' feel to me. It could also be how one addresses one's rich merchant boss or something. --Dohma

• Hermann uses this to address Fedom, and was briefly used in Chapter 2 of the first volume. --Detalz

In that case 'master' probably suits best, as Hermann doesn't really speak in an overly respectful tone towards Fedom, who doesn't seem to mind. Considering 旦那 can be used towards people not of noble birth, I believe it's a less respectful form of speech than 'my lord', but of course, it still depends on the context. If you believe 'my lord' or 'my liege' fits better in a given situation, you should go with that - there's no definite rule. Besides, I sometimes use 'your highness' instead of 'prince' because constantly using 'prince' to address someone sounds a bit strange in English. --Dohma (talk) 10:33, 11 September 2013 (CDT)

• Yea, I'm beginning to think more variation needs to be adjusted towards translation of these titular nouns. Though in my viewpoint, 'liege' accomodates a relationship of trust/loyalty whereas 'master' accomodates a relationship based on status alone(or in the most extremes, complete servitude). As a short background on Hermann's history, he was picked up and provided for by Fedom. So in this case, I don't exactly feel him calling Fedom 'master' is appropriate. Or maybe we'll somehow think of an alternative title along the way and go with that one. --Detalz

Suggested sentences for revision

I've done spell check and British English for the whole chapter. I've also made further edits and suggestions for part 1. Also, I generally try to avoid bugging translators about trivial matters, but my ocd is getting the better of me here: many of your paragraphs end with white spaces after the period, I don't think it really matters, but do you mind if I delete those extra white spaces? And as always, thanks for your translations. --Cthaeh (talk) 22:47, 1 November 2013 (CDT)

• Haha, I don't mind. I don't think the spaces is really a problem, as its a habit of mine, but if you want to, feel free to delete them. I also welcome any possible revisions, no matter how small. I don't make the best writer out there, and i feel these small changes can make the difference between a good and a great read. I'll gladly review over anything you think needs rephrasing. Thanks for taking the time to review it. --Detalz (talk) 19:50, 3 November 2013 (CST)
• You're right, they really aren't a problem besides my personal compulsion to delete them. But since you don't mind, I will give in to myself. --Cthaeh (talk) 20:32, 3 November 2013 (CST)

Edits made to part 2, and suggested revisions in part 2 added below. --Cthaeh (talk) 23:22, 23 November 2013 (CST)

Edits now made to part 3 (done editing this chapter). Some of my edits changed some sentence structures a bit. Also, suggested revision in part 3 added below. --Cthaeh (talk) 19:36, 24 November 2013 (CST)

• No problem with your edits. I only care about preserving meaning in sentences and am all for English grammar stylization. Sometimes changing structure affects sentence emphasis, but you do well to avoid it, so no prob at all. Though I say 'changed' in comments, gimme like a week to actually implement them. Feeling lazy --Detalz (talk) 20:27, 25 November 2013 (CST)

Part 1

where those who bragged of their strength would duke it out in the imperial capital of Solon’s arena, which compared to all others, made them appear to be lacking in lustre, and awfully plain.

• Suggesting change to "which made all others appear lacking in lustre and awfully plain by comparison."

• Changed as mentioned.

Amongst the gladiators who had survived day after day of fighting, the Guild would carefully select the ones with real ability, especially those with high popularity, until the final four men were chosen and to each, a one-on-one battle would be held.

• I'm not sure exactly what the intended meaning of the last half is. The "until" is strange because it seems to imply those chosen were fighting to get to the final four, even though that hasn't been said. And then "to each" also seems out of place.

• the 'until' here means "they would select those with ability and popularity until (through process of elimination) the final four were chosen. Reworded to: "...the Guild would carefully select between the ones with real ability, especially those garnering high popularity, until the final four men were chosen. And then for each, a one-on-one battle would be held."

It had been modelled after one of Mephius’ most popular historical figures, the Dragon-slaying hero, Clovis, who, together with the support of Felipe, fought to the very end. Despite being gladiators, they had been bestowed the same title, and released from their status as sword-slave.

• I thought the second sentence is a little strange. One because it says "despite being gladiators" even though no gladiators have been mentioned in the mini-story yet (I have to assume "the support of Felipe" was gladiators). Also, "the same title" is a little ambiguous (I guess the only thing it could be is the same title as Clovis, 'Dragon-slaying hero'). So while there is not necessarily anything wrong, the ambiguities made me want to bring it up for review.

• The ambiguities reflect the raws and my er, you could call it inability to properly differentiate between these ambiguities in the translations. Often, these ambiguities give me a headache. I'll review the raws to confirm and post at a later date.

In this day and age, the sword-slaves trained even harder than usual in hopes they would be able to participate in the tournament.

• The matching of "in this day and age" and "than usual" is a little strange because of the differing time periods those imply. I would have expected either "in this day and age, ... than in the past" or "at this time of year, ... than usual".

• Ok, I'll add 'at this time of year'.

The day before the festival started, the Mephius royalty and chief vassals had, during the evening, taken the lead in the celebration of founding day, and held a ritual to pray for a good harvest in the coming year.

• Suggested revision to "The evening before the day the festival started, the Mephius royalty and chief vassals took the lead ...". (Rearranging sentence and "had taken" to "took".)

• Changed as mentioned

It was a symbol of the capital, and situated below was the Dragon God Shrine. It was a naturally formed cave,

• The first "It was" refers to the Black Tower, but the second refers to the shrine. Being used in sequence like that made me think the second "it was" was also the tower, so my suggested revision is to change the second "It was" to "The shrine".

• Hmm, I'll reword it "The tower was a symbol of the capital, and situated below was the Dragon God Shrine. It was a naturally formed cave." Used 'The tower' to fix the ambiguity of it in this case. There should be few confusions now.

The one acting as vanguard and holding the lamps was not the emperor, but several elderly men. They had dark brown skin and thin but treaded robustly.

• The second sentence needs "were thin" instead of thin. But I also don't like that the current structure and use of "but" implies their dark brown skin was at all related to their treading robustly. So my suggested revision is "but several elderly men with dark brown skin. They were thin, but treaded robustly."

• Good suggestion. Will be changed as mentioned.

This was an old custom, back in the days when people all throughout Mephius worshipped the Dragon God.

• Suggested change of "an old custom, back" to "an old custom from back".

• Roger that.

At night, in the central hall within the inner palace where the remaining nobles and countries’ envoys were waiting, the eve of the founding festival celebration would take place.

• This sentence implies the "eve of the founding festival" is an event that can take place at a location. However, I believe "eve" is only a relative description of time. So it would need to be changed to something like "the party on the eve of the...", where "the party" is the actual event.

• I thought 'celebration' was what was taking place in the above sentence? Oh well, I like your sentence better so I'll change as mentioned.

Simon was one leader amidst all the others. Who knew how long he could have been lurking behind Fedom.

• There's nothing wrong with the sentence themselves, however the feel out of place and I don't understand how they fit the surrounding context. That makes me think there could be something off about the translation, but it could also just be me not understanding.

• No, I actually had a problem translating the first sentence, so it's probably my translation. It seems to have had a double meaning when I read it, so I'll double check it later.

Changed to "Simon was one such leader amongst the group."

The unexpected jab had, for a moment, left him short of a response.

• Suggested tense and structure change to "The unexpected jab left him momentarily short of a response."

• Changed as mentioned.

But, with this, everyone would watch over the relationship between the charming prince and princess, and once this atmosphere develops, the people will follow suit.

• I wasn't sure about the exact meaning in this sentence, mainly who "everyone" is referring to, and what the "people" are following suit with. My guess was that "everyone" was the nobles, and that the "people" were the common citizens, who would follow suit with accepting the relationship. Though I can't really come up with a better version myself at the moment.

• Yep. This narrative is somewhat biased based on the last person who had spoken. It's sort of a semi-mixture of his thoughts in narrative form, or a narrative formed based on his way of thinking, so to speak. Your guess is correct, and I was hoping the readers could figure it out. Not sure how to address this either.

In this part of the cave supported by wood and iron rods, were several laid chairs, just enough to accommodate the group, centred around a crudely-built stone table.

• I didn't know what "laid chairs" were.

• 'laid out'

If a situation were to occur that would force these two alone, should he approach him deceivingly? Orba had no interest in finding out; he might even try to kill him, though, could a father even mistake his own son for an impostor?

• In the second sentence, the linking of the last two parts with "though" seemed strange to me. Also, I think the order of impostor and son should be switched to get the intended meaning. Suggested revision to "kill him. Could a father even mistake an impostor for his own son?"

• I'll go with the sentence split, but I'd like to keep 'though' since it represents a break in his thoughts. Changed to "..kill him. Though, could a father..."

• No complaints on the "though". But I also think the last part should be changed to "even mistake an impostor for his own son?". To me, the current wording implies that the truth is Orba is the emperor's son (rather than the actual truth that Orba is the impostor).

The room got gone into an uproar since the beginning of Zaat’s interjection.

• Suggested revision to "The room went into an uproar after Zaat's interjection".

• How did I write that sentence out liek that?...The sentence is supposed to mean the uproar coincided with the beginning of Zaat's interjection, but was not caused by it. Changed to "The room had gone into an uproar since near the beginning of Zaat's interjection.

The way things are being done have not been according to our followed customs.

• Needs some tense matching at least. But I go a little further with my suggested revision of "The way things are being done is not following our customs."

• Hmm...Hmm....I just changed the tense. Your suggested revision feels a bit too direct for the purpose in this case, and something feels lacking in it. It also makes Zaat look arrogant, to speak in this way to the emperor. Changed to "The way things are being not is not according..."

The benevolent Dragon God shall certainly not bestow his judgment of anger on you, but will instead impose it on the emperor who acts as his representative, me.

• I was a little confused. If the Dragon God is going to punish the emperor, it seems like "his representative" would be better as "your representative " from a contextual sense. Or if the emperor was going to punish Zaat as the Dragon God's representative, then "will instead impose it on the emperor" should be changed to "will instead be imposed by the emperor".

• The sentence is supposed to be, the emperor acts as a representative 'to the Dragon God' in Zaat's place, and will be punished in Zaat's stead for his acting out of order. I'll check with the raws to make sure later. I'll reword it as "...will instead impose it on me, the emperor that acts as his representative." for now.

Orba watched as the situation once again turned into an uproar, and the emperor’s face seethed a bright red, while never removing his gaze from Zaat Quark, whose face showed a ghastly blue.

• The current structure makes it seem like "the emperor's face" is what's "never removing his gaze", rather than the emperor himself. I also suggest making Orba's actions and the emperor's actions two separate sentences. So assuming it's the emperor, my suggested revision would be "... uproar. The emperor's face seethed a bright red and he kept his gaze on Zaat Quark"

• Changed as mentioned.

Part 2

Theresia had painstakingly placed her greatest efforts to coordinate it, unbeknownst to Orba.

• "placed her greatest efforts" sounded strange to me. My suggested alternative would be "Theresia had gone through painstaking efforts to coordinate it, unbeknownst to Orba." (I removed "her greatest" because I thought it was redundant with painstaking in my revision, you could also swap those two in my proposed revision)

• CaM

For Vileena, if the prince had adopted such an attitude, of course she would be angry.

• Suggested revision to "Of course Vileena would be angry if the prince adopted such an attitude."

• CaM

“His highness led such great efforts in his first campaign,” Shique said shrugging his shoulders. “But once it comes to love, he is like that naïve boy on his first campaign.”

• In the first part, "led such great efforts" sounded strange to me. I felt it should be something like "accomplished so much" or "led so effectively".

• What do you think of "His Highness accomplished his first campaign in stride"?

• It seems good. For seem reason, I probably wouldn't pair accomplish and campaign, I feel like you can participate in a campaign, but not accomplish them. But I'm never really sure when things are just my own personal word sense.

• No, I agree on that, but we'll have to make do with some awkwardness. And readers should more of less get the bigger picture anyway~

• Also in the second sentence, I thought "when" would fit better than "once".

• CaM

“You could say even the elders would lose face when conducting themselves as such. At least this much is to be expected of the prince.”

• In the first sentence, I thought the "You could say" could be removed and just start with "Even the...". Also, "the elders" makes it sound like it's referring to some special position; I don't know of if there are any "elders" in the story, there could be. If it's not a special position, then "adults" would be a more general term.

• Elder is a general term, though different from what was used in Part 1 so it is in needed of review. The raws use 年長者, which refers to an "experienced" person (age/profession), and though adult isn't wrong, it might not be the best term. Any luck thinking of another term or does you verdict still lie with 'adult'?

• "those with experience"? I probably like that better than adult (I didn't like adult much).

• Why'd I pick 'elders' over 'elderly' anyway...Well, I did a bit more searching and I'm leaning towards 'old-timer' right now.

• In the second sentence, the "this" isn't referring to anything specifically, which is a little strange. I interpreted it as something like "At least some level of competence is expected of the prince". My interpretation of the sentence also changed "is to be expected" to "is expected", but those have to different meanings.

• This is very broad here, and refers to "acting so bashfully that even the elders would feel they would lose face" is just what I'd expect from the 'prince'(sarcastic emphasis). Changed "the prince" to "our"

War was originally one of the sword-slaves from the Tarkas company. He had participated in the battle at Zaim Fortress and remained amongst the eighty sword-slaves, of which sixty-two had offered their service into the Imperial Guards. The remaining were more than adequately rewarded by being set free. Amongst them was the giant gladiator, Gilliam. War was also one of those who had become free.

• The second sentence makes it sound a little like War was one that joined the guards. Also, the two separate sentences to say that both Gilliam and War were set free broke the flow for me. My suggested revision is as follows:

-War was originally one of the sword-slaves from the Tarkas group and had participated in the battle at Zaim Fortress. Of the eighty remaining sword-slaves, sixty-two had offered their service into the Imperial Guards. The rest, including the giant gladiator Gilliam, were more than adequately rewarded by being set free. War was also one of those who had become free.

• Approved.

“What order?” // “It seems to have been ‘to do in the Mephius mercenaries’. It appears to have originated from the commander during your first campaign—General Oubary, as he was called.”

• I didn't understand what this passage meant when I read it. I assumed "to do in" meant to kill. However, reading further into this chapter, I see the order was to join the Mephius mercenaries. But I don't understand why it says here that the order originated from Oubary. Maybe it's supposed to be misleading here?

• I read the wrong form of the verb here, and that affected the whole sentence. Changed to "It seems to have been to become a Mephius mercenary. One under the supervision of the commander during your first campaign—the one called General Oubary."

Naturally, Ineli and the others wanted to hear about the situation with Zaat Quark, but Orba could not say that everything said by the rumours was all there was to it.

• The wording of the last part seemed a bit convoluted to me. I think it ends up being grammatically correct, but I feel like there's a better way to word it. However, I can't really think of a wording, so unless you can see a better alternative, I guess leave as is. Just to confirm, what I understand as the meaning is that there was more to event than what was in the rumors, but Orba couldn't talk about it.

• Actually means "that what was said by the rumours was all there was to it". Lost here too.

Following that, each of the people who greeted him kept him company. Fedom was, as expected, the only one of the chief vassals present, and just as busy as the prince, constantly whispering into the ears of Dinn, the page, of each of the attending names and faces. There was no end to them.

• The middle sentence is a bit confusing. The current wording makes it sound like Fedom is busy whispering into Dinn's ears. However, I would have expected Dinn to be whispering into Orba's ears; and that Fedom was busy with other things because he was a chief vassal.

-This is what I was expecting: As the only one of the chief vassals present, Fedom was just as busy as the prince. So it was Dinn, the page, who was constantly whispering the names of those who greeted the prince into Orba's ear.

• Ah, good catch. Added "So it was Dinn the page, who in his place, was..."

“Has your face not thinned?” // The remark had come from obligation as the empress, her face no longer hidden.

• I interpreted the meaning as the only reason she said that was because of obligation of her position (as the empress). Just checking that was as intended, no problem if so.

• Yea that's what it means.

And to each, their own specialties—clothes, spices, condiments, bizarre musical instruments, designed furniture of varying sizes, armours decorated with jewels—forming large piles; amongst these, what caught Orba’s eye was a Garberan envoy.

• I personally have trouble following sentences with emdashes so I'm not sure, but I think "forming" should be "formed". Also, I think the current sentence structure implies "these" are the specialties, in which case there's a mismatch since what caught Orba's eye was a person rather than a specialty.

• Changed: "...their own specialities, forming large piles of clothes, spices, condiments....." and changed 'these' to 'them'

We would like to express gratitude from our hearts for Mephius’ assistance.

• Suggested change to "from the bottom of our hearts". (I'm assuming that expression is the same in British English).

• Woops. Losing grip of what's an idiom and what isn't. ---Actually scratch that, changing to "our heartfelt gratitude"

You can be rest assured of the stagnant state of affairs.

• I think "stagnant" has a somewhat negative connotation. From context I would have guessed calm, peaceful, tranquil, or stable might be a better fit.

• Context is meant to be negative. That the 'stagnant' state of affairs might threaten political affairs and result in an increased likelihood for war. Can't imagine using the other adjectives.

• The "you can be rest assured" implied the context was positive to me, which is why I made those suggestions. Having it clarified for me, I now interpret that pairing of a positive phrase with a negative adjective as sarcasm/cynicism.

• Not so much as cynicism. It's more of 'he admits it, but he's trying to ease her fears' type of comment. I should try to read some more English books to remember how stories are written in english...it's been so long.

“No matter where she is, she never was a person to sit down quietly and do nothing from the start.”

• The ending "from the start" seems strange to me. I think it could just be deleted.

• Changed to "From the start, she was never a person to sit down quietly and do nothing regardless of place."

And in a strained laugh mixed with grief, her grandfather had said, “same as always,” with an openhearted laugh.

• His laughter is described as both strained and openhearted, which I feel like is an oxymoron. Maybe the openhearted laugh is at the end of comment, and the strained is at the start?

• First part refers to the previous sentence. changed: ["start," he mentoned with a strained laugh mixed with grief. Then with an openhearted laugh, "same as always," he said.]

“Even as she lived alone in my estate, in the coming day, the princess would be up to her usual mischief,

• I'm not sure what "in the coming day" is adds; I feel like it could be deleted.

• in the coming day means "in the day to come"(i.e. start of day, and what to expect until the end of that day.)

Vileena muttered, as her lips moved to form nothing less of a smile.

• I'm not sure what "nothing less of a smile" means. "Nothing less than a smile" would be a more typical expression, but I'm not sure if that really fits here either.

• equiv: nothing short of a smile/a smile so endearing that it could not be mistaken for something else

It had been nowhere to the extent of years, but thoughts of how she had come to be so far away began to be made anew.

• I'm not sure what the first part means. My guess was that the intended meaning was the same as "It hadn't even been a year", but I'm not sure how to make that sound natural using "extent" and the plural form "years".

• Changed: "She had been here nowhere to the extent of...."

I want to sleep with those big, strong arms wrapped around me, if not even once.

• From context I thought it should end with "even if only once".

• 'if not even once' = i want to do it preferably more than once. 'even if only once' = satisfied with doing it once.

• I intepret 'even if only once' = would prefer more than once, but desperate enough to work towards even it if only once. "if not even once" only got 26 google hits (compared to 2x10^8), so while I could be wrong that my suggestion has the correct meaning, I do think the original should be reworded. But if I'm wrong / peculiar in my interpretation of my first suggestion, I won't be much help in finding another.

• Oh, I don't deny "even if only once" being much more commonly used today. The two connotate very similarly meanings, but usage has changed over the times. Let me clarify. Both mean "want to do ___ more than once." However, 'if not even once' means "I would go within my means to do it a second time" while 'even if only once' means "I really want to try it once but I'll stifle my desire after that once in satisfaction(to a certain extent). The latter implies a certain sense of modesty much more commonly expected to be expressed in today's times, while the former implies a "I want it, I'll get it(because I can)" type of sentence. At least that's how I feel.

Their rally from the start was entirely settled, and it soon became obvious the other sword dances were inferior to theirs.

• I'm not sure what the first part means. My guess was something like "Their rally had a perfect rhythm from the start".

• They finished the "warm-up" rally, and actually proceeded to beginning the real sword dance. I'll reword this as well.

Shique commenced his attack, pretending to have switched to defence, he swept towards Pashir’s feet.

• The order of this is seems a little strange to me. I'm not quite sure of the intended meaning, but my guess/suggestion "Shique pretended to switch to defence and then commenced an attack sweeping towards Pashir's feet". That is reorganizing such that the statement about pretending or seeming? to switch to defence comes before the attack, which I assume is what the actual order of the events was.

• Right, sorry about any confusion. CaM

After several matches, the sound from the drum came to a dead stop, and simultaneously, the two swords engaged in mid-air also came to a stop.

• I thought possibly "exchanges," "rallies," or "bouts" might fit better than matches (to me a "match" is something that ends with a win or lose conclusion, which I don't think fits the context). Also, there is an extra blank line after this sentence that typically signifies a new section or change in perspective; however the context makes it seem like it's not a new section, so I thought the double blank line may just have been a typo.

• Line is a typo. Changed match to 'rallies'

as if to say the real festival would be from now onwards.

• The wording seemed a little stiff to me, but it isn't too big of an issue. A common phrasing that has much the same meaning might be "as if to say the real festival was only just beginning."

CaM = (changed as mentioned if you haven't caught on)

“What could be so interesting. Did you see your own face as you were being borne through a mirror or something?”

• The second sentence was strange. A typical jab in English might be "Did you see your own face in a mirror?", but from your translation it seems like there's more to it than that in the original. So I don't know if anything can/should be done here.

• I say keep it. What's considered "amusing" is more of "irregular/rare/impossible" in sarcastic remarks.

No one would have thought you were a gladiator. It seems this was the better of the results.”

• The phrasing in the second sentence, to me, implies there was a list of results, or they had been talking about some expected results. Something like the following is what seems to fit there to me: (1st) "It seems like everything worked out" or (2nd) "This is the best result we could have hoped for."

• noble jargan for (1)

Naturally, such thoughts made him become self-important.

• Suggesting "made him feel self-important" instead of "become".

CaM

Having seen the favour she held for him, there was a possibility that Ineli would marry a distant relative of the Imperial House and the husband would be made successor to the throne.

• While there's nothing wrong as is, I would have expected it to be "Having seen the favour he (the emperor) held for Ineli (her)". The current wording still makes some sense, but I feel like it would make more sense contextually if it was as I have it in my revision.

• I don't know how I missed this part...Fixed to "Having seen the favour he held toward his second wife, Melissa,...."

Part 3

Portraits of upcoming betrothal of the Garberan Princess Vileena to Mephius and garlands decorated the town, producing a peaceful atmosphere.

• I was a little confused what was depicted in the portraits. Is it the anticipated event of the wedding? If so, it should probably be "the upcoming" (adding the). Hanging up paintings(?) of a wedding that has yet to happen seems strange to me, but if that's what the original has (*shrug*).

• Well, Vileena is a symbol of peace, since their marriage is what brought the end of the war, and they probably want to consolidate that belief by hanging the pictures.

The man, straddled to a white horse and proudly wearing a golden helmet,

• Suggesting either "saddled to a" or "straddling a".

• Hehehe. I bet there'll be more of these to come.

On the final day of the festival, a naval review alongside a parade employing air carriers would take place to the people’s enjoyment, but for now, they would anticipate the event in the near future.

• The ending part confused me a bit. Are they anticipating the naval review, or the events that will be held first (in the near future)? If it's the first, then suggesting something like "but for now, they could merely look forward to that event in the near future." For the second possibility, suggesting something like "but for now, they were anticipating those events that were immediately upcoming."

• Fixed w/ sentence split. "enjoyment. But for now,...."

and in a corner near the walls was a separate division, were the single-shot quick draw matches.

• Something seems missing. I think it could be fixed "were" was supposed to be "where ... matches would take place"? Or I would actually suggest "was a separate division for the single-shot ...".

• Thanks for catching this. Fixed to "where the single-shot quick draw mathces were held."

Apart from its immense size, Solon’s specialty, the tank restaurant, would also be held in the evening hours.

• What is a "tank restaurant"? Is that supposed to be the same thing as the "tank shooting match" mentioned earlier? (I see on the discussion page there was some uncertainty around that)

• I figure it's a restaurant inside a huugggee tank? I also imagined a stall shaped as a tank selling foods for a second too though.

Baton and Troa were also there. And a few others.

• Suggested revision: Baton, Troa, and a few others were also there.

• CaM

All the well-known gladiators from within Mephius will be gathered together in one sitting.

• I didn't like "one sitting". I thought "one setting", "one event", or "one arena" might fit better.

• went with setting.

Their distinctive features were their six legs and flattened snouts, as if squashed by a hand.

• Suggested revision: and flattened snouts that looked like they had been squashed by a hand.

• CaM. (Omg the list is endless! Don't mind my comment just now.)

but even the foremost seats were situated considerably higher than her height posed.

• I don't think "posed" fit there. Suggested revision "higher than her reach".

• CaM

clung onto the Faye by wrapping around its neck.

• I don't think it's wrong as is, but I thought it might be more natural as "by wrapping himself (/ his body / his arms) around its neck"

• Changed: "wrapping himself"

In that place where the corpses of the dragons and women lay, they had to fight to the last survivor.

• Suggested (style) revision to: They had to fight to the last survivor alongside the corpses of the fallen women and dragons.

• CaM.

Neither his skill nor his appearance was particularly worthy of praise, and despite having been in the Tarkas Gladiatorial Group for slightly over a year was nothing more than an ordinary sword-slave, but seemingly blessed with good fortune, having survived ten years as a sword-slave.

• Suggested revision (breaking up into two sentences):

-Neither his skill nor his appearance was particularly worthy of praise. Despite having been in the Tarkas Gladiatorial Group for slightly over a year, he was nothing more than an ordinary sword-slave, other than seemingly being blessed with good fortune, having survived ten years as a sword-slave.

• CaM. Nice edit.

Accumulated in his years, he was by no means narrow-minded.

• The first segment sounded strange to me. Some possible alternatives for the meaning I interpreted: "Being well on in years"; or something like "Having accumulated wisdom over his years ".

• I'm guessing 'accumulated in years' still sounds weird? I (personally) find the first suggestion weird, and the second too liberal. Rather than wisdom, I think they meant experience, which is redundant when mentioned with years, isn't it?

• It does to me, but if it sounds fine to you as is then just skip this one.

• I consulted a friend and he also thinks its fine. Thanks for pointing it out though.

Orba offered War a cup of wine. War respectfully picked it up, and as he waited for War to drain the contents,

• Suggesting replacing "he waited" with "Orba waited". It is fairly obvious, but it caught me up when reading because I read it as "as he (War) waited for War" (because War was the subject earlier in the sentence)

• CaM

Amongst the twelve Mephian generals save the three that handled the dragonstone ships comprising the air fleet, all other nine generals were performing wide-scale recruitment of mercenaries.

• Suggesting splitting the three segments/concepts into two sentences. There are a few ways you could do it, one possible revision is the following.

-There were twelve Mephian generals. Excluding the three that handled the dragonstone ships comprising the air fleet, all of the other nine generals were performing wide-scale recruitment of mercenaries.

• CaM.

To go investigate the happening and report back to Orba was what War had been commanded to do.

• "the happening" is a little strange, and I'm not exactly sure of it's intended meaning and therefore what it could be revised to.

• happening refers to the events conspiring that led to the burning down of Orba's village.(thus revolving around Apta Fortress as well)

There is a man who goes by the name of Bane, who has maintained the position as one of his hundred officers for six years ago.

• Suggested revision: There is a man who goes by the name of Bane and has maintained a position as one of his hundred officers for the past six years.
• Also, a "one of his hundred officers" makes it sound a little like the "hundred officers" is a specific position or group (a hundred also seems like a lot). I don't know if that's the intent or not. If not, maybe revising "hundred or so" would make it seem less formal (I'm also assuming it's not exactly 100).

• I think it numbers 100.

Bane has long served the general, and one of his subordinates, somehow dissatisfied with this treatment voiced his complaints in a cheap tavern I often go to.

• The "one of his subordinates" and "somehow dissatisfied with" clauses don't fit in well as is. Suggested revision to the following:

- Bane has long served the general as one of his subordinates, but somehow grew dissatisfied with his treatment and voiced his complaints in a cheap tavern I often go to.

• Err you understood it wrong. Bane and the subordinate are two separate people. Would changing 'and' to 'but' resolve the ambiguity?

• OK, that was how I read it first, but then when "Bane" kept popping up after, I assumed I was wrong. The other thing was "this treatment" made me think it was referring to the previous sentence about Bane, so maybe changing 'this' to 'his'? I think 'but' would help. Along with that, "one of his" to "one of Bane's" would strip pretty much all ambiguity if you were willing to change that much. Also comma placement and structure for the second half, I'm suggesting one of the following

-but one of his/Bane's subordinates somehow grew dissatisfied his treatment and voiced his...

-but one of his/Bane's subordinates, somehow dissatisfied with his treatment, voiced his...

• going with this

I may not look it, but I make a good listener and, without a single look of displeasure or reluctance, listened to his complaints and left a rather favourable impression.

• Suggesting splitting into two sentences and reorganizing as follows:

- I may not look it, but I make a good listener. I listened to his complaints without a single look of displeasure or reluctance and left a rather favourable impression.

• Approved.

I’ve yet to meet him a second or third time,

• Suggested revision to "I've yet to meet him beyond that once" or "I've yet to meet him more than once".

• Wasn't expecting this proposal. Went with first suggestion.

Not catching Dinn’s words, Orba silently pondered over his thoughts.

• "Pondered" used together with "thoughts" is a bit redundant. I want to say "mulled" would be better, but thinking about it, that really is just a synonym, so I'm not sure it's better. Replacing "his thoughts" with "what he had heard" would fix the redundancy, but it might be adding meaning that's not in the original.

• Let's just go with 'mull'.

He recalled the speech Noue had delivered with hesitation in front of Prince Gil and his smiling face.

• Wasn't the speech Noue gave delivered without hesitation?

• Oops. How'd that happen? Set to be fixed in T-minus 168 hours and then some.

Orba immediately relayed a message to Dinn, to head towards the Imperial Guards’ living quarters.

• "relayed a message to Dinn" seems strange since the second half makes it seem like an instruction to Dinn. I wasn't sure what the exact meaning was so suggesting one of the following possible revisions:

- Orba immediately asked Dinn to relay a message to the Imperial Guards’ living quarters.

• Going with this, but changing 'asked' to 'ordered'. Yay! Done.

- Orba immediately ordered Dinn to head towards the Imperial Guards’ living quarters.