Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Epilogue

Suggested revisions

Edited the epilogue, items for further review below. Thanks for the volume! --Cthaeh (talk) 21:07, 11 March 2014 (CDT)

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I… // Can’t you take up the sword for your own purposes if you didn’t hate someone? With those feelings in his heart, dressed in brass armour, he got down on his knees on top of the bright red carpet.

• I wasn't sure that I understood exactly what the question (Can't you take up...) meant. If you clarify, I'll try to offer some suggestions.

Although he had deep wrinkles on his face, and deep eye sockets as if they were hollowed out, he was still fully shining with vitality.

• A simplification of the description might be "and deep, hollow eye sockets", but you might say that has a slightly different feel to it.

Earlier, although it seemed like he showed a much more severe attitude towards his true son, all he wished for was his own child’s growth.

• "Earlier" seems a bit out of place. I wasn't sure what it was referring to since this is near the start of the conversation.

The atmosphere in the hall had been calm from the beginning to the end, but at the final moment Guhl spoke these words,

• Suggesting "relaxed" might fit a little better than "calm."

From now on, to keep the authority and strength within the Mephian Imperial Family, we will have to protect the peace within our country.

• From context, I would have expected this sentence to be

- From now on, we will keep the authority and strength within the Mephian Imperial Family in order to protect the peace within our country.

“That’s a cold attitude you’re showing me. And that while all this time I’ve been counting the days, looking forward to your return.

• I think "that while" could be deleted to make it "And all this time I've..."

“How can you have the nerves!? Keeping such a nonchalant act together!”

• "What kind of nerves do you have!?" might be more natural phrasing for roughly the same expression.

Even though the one behind the assassination attempt on Prince Gil and Vileena was likely neither Garbera nor Mephius, Orba suspected that it might actually be Guhl Mephius himself.

• I don't think "was likely" is quite right there. I have a revision that I only like so so, but it demonstrates the kind of phrasing that I think is more appropriate in case you can think of a better one (assuming I'm editing in the correct direction).

-Even though one would assume that neither Garbera nor Mephius was the one behind the assassination attempt on Prince Gil and Vileena

There was no way to interrogate them in such a way that they could fabricate the ‘truth’.

• I didn't quite understand what this meant.

“... Even so, a parent and child sharing blood that kill each other is just sad.”

• Suggested revision to something like: Even so, a parent and child who share the same blood trying to kill each other is just sad.

But, although he’d been belittled by his vassals as the ‘foolish prince’, now, triggered by the marriage to Vileena of the Kingdom of Garbera, he had turned to wisdom in the blink of an eye and made a sudden transition into being called the ‘Dragon of Mephius’.

• I wasn't sure what "turned to wisdom" well enough to suggest a revision, but I think there's something that would fit better there.