Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter6

Suggested sentences for revision

I've made my edits to ch6, and here are the sentences I would suggest for further revision. It feels like I have more entries than previous times, and I think that's because I'm listing more smaller issues (word choice and similar) than I've done previously. If the issues are getting too trivial, I can make some of them without discussion, and/or be more selective about only raising the more important questions here. --Cthaeh (talk) 21:02, 27 October 2013 (CDT)

---

There were rumours among them that he couldn’t meddle with Ryucown’s cause because wanted to attract the feelings of his to-be-wife, Princess Vileena.

• I think "to attract the feelings of" doesn't quite fit. Depending on the intended meaning, I thought "please", "appeal to", or "appease" might fit better. Also, I think "the feelings of" might not be required such that it could be "wanted to ___ his to-be-wife".

The truth is that I was about to meet with Ryucown by myself, although even I don’t think I can make an end to this by myself.

• Rather than "make an end to this", I thought "bring an end to this" or "bring a resolution to this" might be more natural phrasing.

If I can only let my voice come across when I speak with Ryucown in person, for we both consider ourselves Garberans, it should be possible to open his eyes to another conclusion.

• "let my voice come across" and "speak with Ryucown" seem a little bit redundant. This is perhaps too large of a change, but one possibility for still including most of the current pieces would be "If I can only speak with Ryucown in person, since we both consider ourselves Garberans, it should be possible for my words to open his eyes to another conclusion." I expect the use of the word "voice" was to match the original, however I changed it to "words" in my suggestion because I think that's more natural sounding in English.

Orba hadn’t considered the soldiers’ feelings concerning the current battle. It was more important to determine the outcome of a battle, than all of the sacrifices made.

• This could easily just be a matter of my personal style, but the structure of the second sentence felt a little off to me. My suggested revision to "The outcome of a battle was more important than all of the sacrifices made." And depending on the intended mean "a battle" (makes it a generic statement) could perhaps be changed to "the battle" (makes it a statement applying to this current battle).

Orba opened up the distance, as the princess was edging closer.

• Relatively minor, but I thought "Orba stepped back as the princess edged closer." might be more natural phrasing, though it is likely a more liberal interpretation.

the battle would grow more intense, which will only cause a pile of corpses.

• suggested changed to "which would only result in a pile or corpses."

That’s why we have to wait for time.

• "wait for time" seems a bit redundant. I think it could either be just "wait", or something like "bide our time."

She would start Vileena’s morning by taking up the time to comb the princess’s hair.

• Depending on intending, suggested revision to "by taking the time to comb" or changing even further to "by combing". Or a different meaning would be "She would take up the time at the start or Vileena's mornings by combing the princess's hair."

Only wasting their forces at this rate, Garbera would have to give up on Mephius’ support and request even more reinforcements from the capital instead. And even if the Mephian troops would end up getting bigger in number, Ende would probably not think to invade Garberan territory.

• I couldn't quite grasp the intended meaning of the second sentence. If I understand correctly the first sentence says that Garbera might need to request reinforcements from their capital, but then why would the Mephian troops end up getting bigger in number (the second sentence). And also in the second sentence, the use of "even if ... Ende would probably not think to invade" implies that the "..." conditions would be favorable to Ende invading, but they would chose not to even so. However, the "..." is saying there will be more troops, which would be unfavorable to an Ende invasion, as far as I understand.

But because of this, the soldiers following Ryucown were likely also prepared for anything. Where they were concerned, it just made their bond all the more stronger.

• I didn't quite understand what the second sentence means.

He was of his personal guard but, regrettably, had slipped into the Garberan camp right before meeting the important Mephian figure – the gladiator known as Iver.

• Why is it regrettable that Iver slipped in? Maybe another word would better match the intended meaning, or I think it would also work just deleting and changing to "guard, but had slipped."

Despite what the words he said next, it looked like he was wearing a nonchalant look.

• 'looked like ... wearing a look' is awkward phrasing. I suggest changing that and reorganizing to "He was wearing a nonchalant look despite the words he said next". Or perhaps changing the middle of my suggestion to "wearing what appeared to be a nonchalant" would more closely match the original.

However… the agreed time was actually supposed to be an hour later.

• I think "agreed time" and "supposed to be" are a bit redundant. Suggested change to "the agreed upon time was actually an hour later."

the sound of a stampede came heading their way from the opposite side of the explosion.

• I couldn't properly understand the orientation of "the opposite side of the explosion." Perhaps "from behind the explosion" or "from the direction opposite to the explosion" (implying a frame of reference as the center of the Mephian camp) would be clearer, whatever matches the intended meaning.

Release ether propulsion up to lever three right away and ascend!

• I don't really know what "lever three" is. I thought perhaps it might be "level three". But perhaps there's merely set of levers in the control room, in which case it's perfectly fine as is.

And they didn’t expect Oubary, who was known for his so-to-speak approach of brute force,

• I didn't understand what "so-to-speak" means in this context.

Surrounded outside by balconies on all four sides, one could see the fires of war raging over the soldiers.

• I wasn't sure if this meant physical fire, or just general violence, was on the soldiers (in which case there is possibly some better wording, but that a minor issue so don't worry about it). Or for some reason I thought it might be referring to the emotional state of the soldiers, in which case it would be better to replace "over" with "within". But it's probably the first meaning, so don't worry about it.

He didn’t move an much and stood there with a hand to his trimmed beard

• There's a typo there, but I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be "He didn't move much" or "He didn't move an inch".

Once longing for national fame, the man who’d received hatred and disdain from Mephius and was the object of fear stood staring at the fires that showed the feats of his strategy.

• Suggested change of "feats" to "results" or "success". Also the structure of for the first half of the sentence seems a bit off. I'm not sure but maybe "The main who had once longed for national fame, and who had received hatred and disdain from Mephius as an object of fear, stood staring at the fires ..."

If he was just able to win her over, he could take over the political movement through the Garberan royal lineage. She was highly popular and revered like an idol, allowing him to would gain the nation’s support.

• The last section is a little strange. As it's currently worded, I think it implies Vileena would be the one gaining the nation's support, rather than Ryucown. The smallest change would be "gain him the". But I would suggest changing to "like an idol, so he would also gain the nation's support."

They had met each other a year ago when they were pledged to engage, / ... / One year ago, the two had met when they were pledged to engage.

• I don't think "pledged to engage" is a natural word choice. I like "pledged to be married" or "made the pledge of their engagement".

While she tried to resist, she slowly felt her consciousness slipping away and figured they’d probably diluted the cloth covering her mouth with a sleeping drug.

• "Diluted" probably isn't the correct word. Maybe doused, soaked, infuse, or 'immersed ... in'.

The ash silver armour he wore had been given to him by the king himself when he’d been bestowed as a full-fledged knight.

• Suggested change to "bestowed the title of a full-fledged knight" or "status of". Could also change to "recognized as a full-fledged knight".

Mephius too will have no choice but to take to the field. Once they realise that they can’t easily win, they will make it their reason to immediately pull back their forces.

• "make it their reason to" seemed a little awkward. Unless I miss some of the intended meaning, I think that could be deleted as the sentence would still imply that realization was the reason for their retreat.

“I intend to become a martyr to place the foundations for peace,” Ryucown said, showing her his black mantle with red lining. “Please, I want you to entrust that life to me.” / ... / “What do you mean, entrusting my life?”

• With the surrounding context, the first "entrust that life to me" makes it sound like "that life" refers to being a martyr. However, once that scene continues in the later part, Vileena implies "that life" meant her life. So I would suggest changing Ryucown's line of "that life" to "your life".

with a group of turncloaks from Garbera

• "turncoats" would be the more common usage, at least in AE. I'm not sure if BE is different, but googling turncloak didn't seem to bring up many clear results (a few results, but not in the 'official' dictionaries), and googling usually shows whether or not it's an AE vs BE issue.

It was the role of the leader to enhance each individual’s strengths and bravery in a war. But the Mephian soldiers that showed such disgraceful behaviour had actually all gone through the ten-year war with Garbera.

• Starting the second sentence with "But" links the concept in the first sentence with the second, however I don't really see a connection between the two. The first is about leaders. The second is about the soldiers' experience in war. My guess for the intended meaning of the second sentence is "Without a proper leader, even the Mephian soldiers that had gone through the ten-year war with Garbera showed such disgraceful behaviour" (though I've obviously added words not in the original phrasing).

there would probably be ten among every hundred men who would choose this place to die in order to let their leader escape.

• This is a more minor issue since nothing is wrong as is, but I would personally replace "would choose this place to die in order to" with "would lay down their lives to".

Rogue jumped down from the ship that was just about to gain altitude

• "just about to" and "gain altitude" don't mesh well in my mind, because "just about to" describes an instantaneous/discrete event, and "gain altitude" implies a gradual/continuous change to me. If it would fit the intended meaning, I would suggest replacing "gain altitude" with "take off" or "launch", which would be more accurate if it was going from a 'grounded' state to an airborne state. It would be my second choice, but you could also resolve my instantaneous vs gradual complaint by saying "about to start gaining altitude".

Those who brought back the enemy heads at this fight would get a reward the more heads they brought back in, not even excepting their freedom.

• I thought the wording was a little awkward. My suggested revision is "The more enemy heads they brought back, the greater their reward would be, not even excepting their freedom."

For freedom, the kind of freedom where they could earn themselves gold, they wouldn’t miss out on any danger.

• "Miss out on" implies it's something desirable that they might miss, but "danger" isn't desirable. Suggested change to "wouldn't shy away from any danger".

The soldiers below had to put in such a formation to meet with Ryucown’s forces

• "had to put in such a formation" needs to be a different. Also I don't like the use of "such a" (I think it implies that it is referencing a specific formation was described in the previous sentences, which it isn't). My suggested revision is "had to be placed into a formation".

“If we simply brand them as barbarians, we can only be accused of being ignorant. Besides, the country doesn’t have any blood ties. It is just like you said. The royal family is not a cornerstone, the sense of pride for their vassals and their people is the same – you can find the same light in that nation. Just who on earth will follow a man that can decide all by himself what this pride is?”

• I wasn't sure what was meant by "blood ties".
• Also for "the sense of pride for their vassals and their people", I wasn't sure who "their" was referring to. From the sentence structure, I guess it is the royal family. But then I would assume "the sense of pride" is also royal family's. In which case, I don't understand what it means for the royal family to have a sense of pride for their vassals and people. Or actually I do understand in the literal sense, but my literal understanding doesn't really fit contextually for me.

---