Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter2

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So what's up with this "dissonance" word in the second sentence? Is it something along the lines of regret or self-conflict? Needs further translation. Rizo536 - Possibly Editing (talk)

The word used is 葛藤, which means 'conflict' or 'complications'. Basically what it means here is that he doesn't have any difficulties with stealing. Or as you stated yourself, self-conflict. But you're right about it sounding a bit strange, so I'll change it. Thanks for the comment. --Dohma (talk) 03:38, 16 April 2013 (CDT)

Everything – although, with a life barely managing to live another day, despite only having such a minimal lifeline, contrarily, if all their members were being suppressed, they could as well be left for dead.

-The wording here was a little confusing. I'm not sure if there are one or two concepts this is intended to express. The one concept I'm not sure about is that even though "everything" was taken from them, losing "everything" wasn't actually losing that much since they were living day to day ("with a minimal lifeline").
-The second concept I'm pretty sure is there is that if there members were injured or "suppressed" they wouldn't be able to support themselves in their day to day living, and might as well be left for dead. If there are two concepts in that sentence, then I think this second concept might be clearer as it's own sentence.
  • It's mainly the latter. The sentence is a bit hard to figure out, what I get from it is this: They lost everything, and although they (already) had a harsh life, if they would be cut off (suppressed) by their rivals, all of their members would practically be left for dead (lit. left dying on the plains). I'm just not sure about the 'already' part, the author never uses that phrase. I've changed the sentence though, so that it's not as confusing anymore. --Dohma (talk) 09:50, 1 May 2013 (CDT)

Although he certainly was the kind of person to use physical strength, for there were also about a hundred verbal disputes, and mostly settle things quickly with his fists, at the same time, rather than spending the nights with his friends, drinking alcohol, making a racket, getting in high spirits, and chattering, he was also the type to keep to his own, propping up his knees in a dim corner of the room, and be lost in thought.

-I think this sentence would be clearer if it was broken up into two sentences, and possibly some clauses rearranged. Also, the one thing that was confusing to me is that "for there were also about a hundred verbal disputes" is sandwiched between two statements about physical violence. I wasn't sure if it was supposed to mean those disputes were ultimately settled with fists, or that in addition to settling things with fists, there were also 'about a hundred' disputes that were settled verbally.
  • There were a lot of verbal disputes, and Orba usually resorted with violence (physical strength). In Japanese sentence order that clause is indeed sandwiched, but I've put that part in front now. I'm not sure how to break the sentence in two, because it's all one contrast: "He's the type to use violence, but also keep to himself", but I gave it a try. --Dohma (talk) 09:50, 1 May 2013 (CDT)

“Bastard!” an armed swordsman said, about to beat Orba up, when, with only the word “Stop”, the man took, grinning with his lips buried in his beard.

-"the man took" seems out of place. Should it be 'the man stopped'?
  • "took control", just a result of rushed typing I think. But that still sounds a bit strange, so I changed the sentence a bit. --Dohma (talk) 09:50, 1 May 2013 (CDT)

What was called the Mephius Empire, ... The Domick Flats that cut diagonally through the mountains was currently all of its territory.

-"all of its territory" makes it sound like the Domick Flats are Mephius's only territory; I think they're just part of Mephius's territory. If so, I suggest deleting the 'of' to make it "were all currently its territory"
  • Actually, I've read this part as the Domick flats being 'All of their territory', but you may be right that it could mean 'fully in their territory', especially when looking at the maps in later volumes. I'll ask about it on the forum, because I'm not so sure right now. [EDIT]: checked it with EEE who sometimes proofreads, and he agrees it's 'all of its territory'. --Dohma (talk) 09:50, 1 May 2013 (CDT)

It reminded him of oozing wet fuse.

-It probably needs "an" in there. The reason I didn't fix something so trivial myself was that "oozing wet fuse" just sounded strange to me. If 'oozing' is meant to mean very wet ('dripping' or nothing would have been my first choice), then that's just a matter of personal preference and it doesn't matter that much, but I wasn't sure if I was missing something.
  • The author literally uses じくじく, which is a sound-effect-like adjective. Dictionaries say 'oozily' (I doubt that's even a word) or 'so wet that it's oozing'. But I agree that dripping sounds better, so I'll use that. --Dohma (talk) 09:50, 1 May 2013 (CDT)

‘Until the neck of the Garberran is presented before me

-It's not necessarily wrong as is, but I was wondering if it should be "Garberan king". Also, I'll take this chance to ask whether you prefer 'Garberran' or 'Garberan'? The first is what you've used most recently in chapter 3, but the second has more total usages between all the chapters.
  • I actually made it up, because the Japanese just add の to everything to make it possessive, and I didn't want to say 'people of Garbera' all the time. Actually, I didn't know I used both styles - I actually thought Garberran sounded better, but Garberan is probably closer to the original pronunciation so I'll stick with that. And yes, it's supposed to be 'king' - I've changed it. --Dohma (talk) 09:50, 1 May 2013 (CDT)


Once again, a few sentences I noticed when reading. Thanks as always. --Cthaeh (talk) 22:30, 27 April 2013 (CDT)


These are possible revisions and responses to inlines in the first half of Chapter 2. P.S: If I'm posting too much raw text, should I just reference the page number instead? --Detalz (talk) 12:26, 20 August 2013 (CDT)

I actually like the raws next to it. It's much faster, so I don't have to look it up myself. --Dohma (talk) 13:02, 23 August 2013 (CDT)

Missing text after "located twelve kilometres southwest of Birac". こちらも単座飛空艇を三隻ほど用意できた。

He had the feeling someone lifted him up by his chin. Raw: 顎を掴まれ、持ち上げられた感覚がある

  • The literal meaning is "He was grabbed by the chin, and felt himself being lifted."

How much more do I have to scorn people? Giving me such a foolish imitation, how much further must I fall? Raw: 人を、どこまで蔑む。こんな馬鹿げた真似までして、どこまで落とし込もうとする

  • "How far must they go to scorn others? Giving me such a foolish mimicry, how much further will they make me fall?" (i.e. make me fall to their satisfaction)

"...,or whether Orba gave a nasty face when Tarkas bought him from the slave traders?" Raw: オルバを買い取った奴隷商人タルカスに苦い顔をさせた。

  • "..., causing Tarkas, the slave-trader who bought Orba, to make a nasty face."
  • Changed / added all of the above. Dohma

Unarmed, and also with chains connecting his ankles, he wouldn’t think for a moment of trying to escape, however, it was much better now that Gowen was already unarmed and that ‘only during practice’ the chains at his ankles were removed as well. Raw: (それも足首を鎖につながれた状態では、さしもの彼とて、いますぐには脱走を考えることなどなかったろうが、いまはゴーウェンのほうこそ素手だし、しかも「訓練の間だけは」と足首の鎖をも外されたのだ。

  • I found this sentence a bit awkwardly worded. I think the whole of it is referring to Gowen alone(while the current translation seems to imply it might also be talking about Orba). I might be wrong here. "Unarmed, and with chains connecting his ankles, his powerful appearance betrayed no attempts in trying to escape, but Gowen was definitely unarmed at the moment, and what's more, it was 'only during practice' that the chains around the ankles were removed."
  • I am convinced it's about Orba though, because the sentence continues the previous (where Orba is also the topic, and grammatically Gowen isn't made topic in this sentence, whole annoying は／が-thing). What I did wrong though was the first part of the sentence, it doesn't say anything about anybody being in chains at the moment, it explains the situation about being chained, and later follows up on that by saying that 'only during practice' this isn't the case.
My initial translation not the best, however looking back now. But I suppose that's proof I'm getting better at translating... Usually in complex sentences like this, I move the latter part forward, but in this case it's probably better to move the first part back. Changed it to: Even though Orba wasn’t thinking about trying to escape right now, at the moment Gowen was unarmed, and what’s more, considering the chains usually tied around his ankles, it was ‘only during practice’ that these chains were removed. Dohma

self-taught style did not seem to be so brilliant. Raw: 見事なまでに通用しなかった

  • "self-taught style could not be called brilliant." (Lit: could not go so far as to be considered brilliant)

This one-sided training where he was only getting knocked down was equal to a hellish self-punishment, however, as the day came to an end, maybe because of the exceeding pain, something was lying in wait for Orba as he retreated. Raw: "....しかし、昼を過ぎれば、あるいはそれにも勝る苦痛が、てぐすね引いてオルバを待ち構えていた。" (pg. 88)

  • I believe the use of this second が is as an object marker, and not a contrasting particle. Also, てぐすね引いてオルバ (手薬練引いて) probably sets Orba as the target(i.e. the one lying in wait). "...as the day came to an end, something possibly even more excruciatingly painful, was lying in wait for Orba."
  • I agree, this is much better. 手薬練引いてオルバを待ち構えていた, sort of makes 'to lie in wait' be said twice, but that's probably just how the expression goes. Dohma

as they neither had a promised position in the future. Raw: 彼らには約束された地位も未来もないことだ.

  • Did you mean "neither had a promised position nor a future to look forward to." ?
  • Yup, …も…も. Thanks for noticing. Dohma


with the purpose to build a mountain of corpses -> "with the purpose of building a mountain of corposes" or "the intention to build..."

If the war came to an end, and those who’d made a name of themselves on the battlefield were given titles, it would also become impossible to collect part of their extended territory. --> If the war came to an end, those who'd made a name of themselves on the battlefield and were given titles would be unable to collect a part of the extended territory.

  • Changed to: If the war came to an end, those who’d made a name of themselves on the battlefield were given titles couldn't acquire a part of their extended territory. Dohma

The sword gave form to his hatred. His sword became hatred, pointing out what to cut and tear through. --> I love how you worded this, but the end was a bit weak. How about "His sword became a spear of hatred, that cut and tore through all doubt," since the raws do use "不安に満ちていた頃とは違う" (pg. 90)

  • I like this, so I used it. Dohma

As the vague line between winner and lose gets thinner. --> "The vague line between winner and loser only gets thinner"

Here's the rest of possible corrections for Chapter 2. --Detalz (talk) 22:48, 15 September 2013 (CDT)

"Certainly, she decorated the airship race that’s performed in Garbera once every few years, by becoming a splendid runner-up."

  • Pretty sure 確か here more closely means "If I'm not mistaken" or "If I remember correctly"

It’s the most pathetic truth that our dynasty’s long history will meet disaster. Raw: 帝朝の長い歴史においてもっとも不幸で、もっとも救いがたい事実だ。

  • "It is the most pathetic truth that it is a disaster beyond redemption in our dynasty's long history." Or to word it otherwise, "It is a most pathetic truth that has stained our dynasty's long history."

In front of the girl with fair skin and highly donned hair, Simon had seen that Gil became a much more easily swayed man. Raw: 高く髪を結い上げ、透きとおった肌をしたこの少女の前では、ギルもいくらか男を気負うような場面をシモンは何度か見てきた。

  • "Simon had seen Gil and many a men easily swayed before this girl, with her fair skin and highly donned hair, countless times. " (Slightly varied meaning and offers better sentence flow to the previous/coming sentences.)

"The way things stand, those who consider him no good may not necessarily have to come out either. No, no, however, bearing the country’s future in mind, can we really just condemn them as traitors?” Raw: このままでは、よからゐことを考える輩が出てこないとも限りませんなあ。いやいやしかし、国の未来を思えば、それこそ単純に謀反人と決めつけてよいものかどうか

  • いやいや here is an adverbial modifier that means 'hesitantly'.
"The way things stand, those who bear ill intentions may not necessarily sit still any longer. Much as I hate to admit this, are they not merely traitors who simply hold this country's future in high regard?" (I recommend replacing "sit still" with something like "remain impassive" or "hide in the shadows")

Like the older retainers standing at father’s side, in his father’s eyes, she was no person to look down upon. Raw: 彼女は無論母などではない。古い家臣たちと同じく、父の側に立ち、父の目で自分を見下す存在でしなかった。

  • This sentence most likely focuses primarily as a contrast used in the book to offer another reason why Gil did not favour his new 'mother'. I feel separating "in his father's eyes" out with commas takes away this desired effect. Here's a slightly liberal translation: "(And)She, like the the older retainers, was someone his father did not look on at with despising eyes."


territory was handed down to another noble --> territory had been handed down to

started talking about tales of Princess Vileena. --> started speaking tales of Princess Vileena

sitting at breakfast, had already decided to let many men seek audience one after another and listen to their words. --> (use of let in the sentence makes it feel out of place and awkward) "...had already decided to, one after another, listen to the words of the (many) men seeking audience" (closer to the raws) or "...had already decided to grant an audience to the men, and one after another, listen to their words."

Today he didn't even get a little drunk --> "Today he didn't get the slightest bit drunk." or "Today he wasn't drunk in the slightest."

Having the belief he had to surpass his father or have his name be thoroughly defiled --> Having the belief he had to surpass his father or risk having his name be thoroughly defiled

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