MaruMA:Gaiden01:Chapter 1

The Taming of the Bear

This is the latest anecdote that I have come to know of by questioning the guards with feigned indifference about Lord Wolfram von Bielefelt until my legs stiffened from standing.

Ah, if it were possible I would have also liked to be by His Majesty’s side! And I would have liked to experience the whole range of emotions with my own body.

His Majesty is surely unaware of the heartrending feelings I possess that cross even the ocean.

Far across the sea

In my heart I fly to you

Bidding you farewell;

But no written word, alas!

From the ship to you may pass.

Day One

Anyone who is asked to be a model for a painting will hesitate a little bit.  And if it’s not a painting of a naked woman but a naked man, 8 or 9 out of 10 will refuse.

Naturally, I also hesitated.  And then I gently declined.

Despite that, the painter was very understanding and convinced me by saying that now is the best opportunity since I’m young and I should have a painting of when I am at my most beautiful – like a cameraman coaxing an idol into taking off their clothes.  As for me, I was just getting more and more annoyed so I consented to go along with it as long as I only had to be shirtless.  I’d gotten some muscles from my daily workouts and wanted to see the results of the training device that Gwendal had thrown away a few days ago.

The device that was created with the best of Great Demon Kingdom science looked just like the Body Blades I saw on infomercials all the time.  It seems to be called a Magical Blade and is for increasing magic power, but it’s astonishing how well it works your dorsal muscles when you grab the center and shake it.  As one would expect from the favorite device of the great pitcher Randy Johnson, I’d really be able to get some nice muscles with it.

“If that was the case I wouldn’t have minded if I’d been able to leave behind a painting of my mini-macho body I developed as long as it wasn’t some overly sexy photo!”

“Don’t run away, Yuuri!  That’s not manly!”

Holding down the clothing that covered the lower part of my body, I rushed towards the door.  Wolfram runs after me with his nose pinched after he throws his paintbrush aside.

“You agree 'o lemme pain' you so sit back down!”

“Gimme a break!  Okay, yeah, I’m only half naked but what’s up with this grass skirt!?  I love the king of the jungle but I don’t wanna be King Tarzan!  And then, what’s up with this, this, uuuugh, this horrible smell!?  What is that!?  What company did you get your oil paint from?  One that gets the oil from dried fish!?”

There was an incredible stench spread throughout the room that made me not want to breathe.  Being the only one in the room who shrewdly protected his nose with a magic-powered laundry clip, Wolfram gets a firm hold on my grass skirt.

“Crap!  Give me one of those magic laundry clips or whatever they’re called!  Ah! This smell is making me pass out!”

“Seriously, people who don’t understand art are so troublesome.  Even when presented with the finest pigments, all they can talk about is the smell!” The angelic beauty and former crown prince with the dazzlingly beautiful blonde hair and the emerald green eyes that remind you of the bottom of a lake said as he wiggled his laundry clip.  “This is a rare and valuable pigment that one hardly ever comes across.  I thought it was close to your skin color so I specifically ordered it from abroad.  Depending on who you ask, it is made from the excrement of a ma-”

“A monkey!?  It’s monkey crap!?”

“No, not a monkey.”

“Whether it’s from a monkey or not, don’t draw my face with paint made from crap.  And besides,” I shake off the hands of the amateur artist and step near the canvas, enduring the burning smell that is bringing tears to my eyes.  If the eldest son’s hobby is knitting and the third son’s hobby is painting, they are brothers who have a huge gap between their hobbies and appearances.  Considering this information, it might be in my best interests to not ask what exactly the second son does in his private life.  “Just what about this is my portrait?  Is this how you see me?  No matter how you look at this, not even Picasso…”

The sturdy chest and ripped abs I was currently developing were drawn as saggy and protruding.  There is eyeshadow around the comically round eyes and – this might be my imagination – there are several long eyelashes fanning out.  Now if only there was a sake bottle in one of the hands.

“… This is a Shigaraki Tanuki!  This is a tanuki that passed out at a bar!  So you flatter me by saying I’m beautiful and I’m attractive but this is how you really see me?  Even abstract art has its limits.”

“Are you jealous of my talent?”

“No.  And what is this chest!?  These are saggy boobs!”

The nipples are drawn in with careful detail, but the shape is more of a sumo wrestler’s than a baseball player’s.

“They’re definitely at least a B cup.  If you draw misleading things like this, JARO is going to give me a call!”

“Jaro?  What’s a jaro?”

“It doesn’t matter!”

Trying to get some fresh air, I throw open the window.  The yellowish light of an autumn afternoon shines through and the air blows in some dry leaves.

I flap around the handy clothing around my waist and try to blow away the stench.  The sight of someone flapping around a grass skirt with both hands must be incredibly strange.

“What are you doing?  Help me.  At this rate we won’t be able to sleep tonight.”

Yeah, this is my sitting room – my private living room adjacent to my bedroom.  It’s as wide as two tennis courts but it is definitely supposed to be the private room of the king.

“But why exactly are you living with me?  There must be a bunch of guest rooms in a ridiculously huge building like this, right?”

Without even the least bit of shyness, Wolfram crosses his arms across his chest.  It’s very close to his perfected, haughty pose.

“My older brother’s troops are using the lodging in the outbuildings, but the eastern side of the castle is for honored guests.”

“That’s it, the guest housing!  It’s a place for the important foreign people to stay right?  There aren’t any guests here now so you can live there.  If you do, then Greta will stop being suspicious of me and Nicola will stop whispering to me that two-timing is bad.”

“I can’t stay at the guest house.  Haven’t you heard?”

Why can’t you stay there?  Because you’ll be infected by inferiority?  It’d be alright if you were just sleeping there.

The pretty boy somehow snorts with the magic-powered laundry clip on his nose and looks down upon me in my grass skirt.

“You don’t even know what’s happening in your own castle.  This is why I call you a wimp.  Günter or Conrart didn’t tell you?  Listen, there’s a monster that no one has seen living in the eastern side of the castle.”

I gave a light shrug and stuck out my chin.  With my eyebrows raised so much, I end up with a ridiculous look on my face.

“A monster?”

“Yes.”

“Monster as in an evil spirit?”

“It’s not an evil spirit.  Now remember, Yuuri, if you act just a little stupid people will like you for being cute, but when you say something so extremely ridiculous like that, people are going to laugh at you for being an absolute idiot.  There’s no way that we would be troubled by an evil spirit.  The majority of them have pledged their loyalty to the demons.”

“Wow that’s cool.  So you’re all magical companions.  But then monsters and ghosts are different?  Why’s that?  What’s different?” I wonder if it’s how many legs they have or the shape of their shells or maybe they have star designs on their backs.

Wolfram puts his painting supplies away and folds up his easel with a light kick.  His attitude is saying ‘I’ll just leave things like this for today.’  Now I really want to ask just whose room is this.

“If that’s the case, then if we drive out that monster then guests will be able to stay there.”

“Huh?  Why are you saying something weird again?”

“It’s not ‘weird.’  If we can successfully get that thing out of there, you can live in the guest housing, right Wolf?  That way even if you force me into modeling for a painting, my entire room won’t be contaminated!”

“If it could have been dispatched easily the palace guards or the garrison would have taken care of it a long time ago.  The fact that that hasn’t happened means that our opponent is trouble.”

“We don’t know that.  Maybe it’s really just super weak and no one has managed to find its weak spot yet?  It’s decided!  For clean air and a room all to myself and for a quiet night’s sleep, I will eradicate the monster!”

It sounds like something I would hear in an RPG.  I stand up tall in my primitive outfit, place both hands on my hips and yell wildly, “I will fight this resolute monster!  Tarzan doesn’t lie!  Matsuzaka is scared of monsters and I can catch any ball he throws!”

I have no intention of trying to catch a ball of his, however.

It might be because it was just past noon, but the security inside the castle was comparatively lax and there weren’t as many people walking around making it the perfect situation for criminal activities.  I automatically start walking with sneaky steps.

“Wait, we aren’t going to do anything bad.”

That’s right, we’re going to go get rid of the monster living deep within the castle that is causing people… well, mainly me, trouble.  My single life is waiting.  Let’s go, private room!  Victory for a quiet night’s sleep!

“Even if it isn’t anything bad, if Günter were around this would have ended before it even started.  You better be thankful for my generosity of going along with this childish plan without even telling that old, overprotective guardian of yours.”

“Yeah, but this is 80% your fault anyway.”

It was hard for me to criticize him aloud when I was standing there in a complete set of borrowed equipment.

There were two relaxed guards with a lot of free time standing at the entrance of the stone hall leading to the guest housing.  It was sealed off with yellow and black rope.  Somehow, it was very calm and peaceful.

“Oh, Your Majesty!  Welcome to this filthy place!”

“Ah, yeah, I was thinking I would thank you two.”

With a practiced movement, the former crown prince waved his hand at the two guards who suddenly straightened themselves upon seeing us.

“At ease.  We’re just taking a walk.”

I don’t know which one of us is the king.

There are several notices posted on the walls with bold and thick lettering.  No standing, enter, time! Ah, so in other words ‘Do Not Enter’?

“I’ve heard that a monster is living here.”

“A mon… ah!  Yes there is something like that here, however its stronghold… no, sleeping quarters are much farther below and Mickey is patrolling beyond this point so there is no need for concern!  We vow to not let it near the areas that everyone uses!”

Like he was taking the athlete’s oath of fair play, the smaller soldier raises his arm and straightens his back even more.  It seems that Mickey has earned an immense amount of trust here in The Great Demon Kingdom even though he’s always just dancing around at the amphitheater in Tokyo Disney.

“About that, we actually came to see that monster because we heard people talking about it so that’s kind of why we’re here.”

“Huh!?  Your Majesty wants to see that!?  Ah but is His Excellency Conrart not with you…?”

Even though I asked in a modest way, the soldier’s face abruptly changed color in shock.  Considering the name that immediately came out of his mouth, it seems that the person responsible for me is Conrad, not Günter.  It can’t be helped.  Although I’m hesitant to say that I’m good at this, after cracking my neck I try to give them an order as His Great and Overbearing Majesty the Demon King.  However…

“I see.  So that’s what you think,” Wolfram calmly interrupted me in a dreadful voice that sounded like it was echoing from the depths of the earth – a complete 180 from his normal Pretty Boy voice.  It was vaguely reminiscent of his eldest brother.  I’ve been calling them the three demon brothers who look nothing alike, but lately that opinion has been becoming ‘the three brothers who you shouldn’t let fool you by their appearance.’

“You disapprove if Conrart isn’t with him.  So you want to say that Yuuri and I are not allowed to walk freely about the castle.  The both of you are saying that your master isn’t Yuuri but Conrart!?”

“O-of course not!”

“No, that is what you’re saying!  No matter how insignificant, those thoughts will open the way to treason.  How dare you plot to subvert the kingdom and place Lord Weller in power!  The seeds of high treason must be culled immediately!”

“W-we would never think of something so absurd!”

The faces of the two guards pale and are so flustered I feel pity for them.  The way they’re frightened looks like they’ll cling to the third son’s legs at any moment and beg for forgiveness.

“The only master we revere is His Majesty the Demon King!  Please forgive our careless words.”

“Then I trust that you won’t report to your superior officer Conrart that we secretly went to see the monster, right?”

“O-f course!  Abso-lutely!” the older man assured us with strange pronunciation like he was an exchange student that has only been here for three months.

“By all means, please pass through here as Your Majesty wishes!  By the way, I have poured my entire salary into ‘His Excellency Wolfram will have his way with you’ in Your Majesty’s Spec-Oc!”

“Hey wait!  What’s that ‘My Spec-Oc’?”

The man was sent flying by a kick from his partner with a ‘don’t talk about that!’

After fooling the guards and slipping by, the guest housing was unexpectedly silent.

The air was stale and damp, maybe from this place being sealed away for so long.  With the smell, the cold air and the brightness, it was like the inside of a dirty refrigerator.

“Two bodies wander in…”

“Hey, lower your posture.”

The character at the head of the party in dungeon crawling has a high chance of being suddenly attacked.  And yet, I’m on the front line.

“Am I an essential party member in combat?”

“What are you planning to do if an enemy comes from behind?”

Oh right.  In the real world there are surprise attacks and cowardly methods.

A faint sound comes in with the wind in the deathly silent hallway.  It sounds like an infant blessed with a sense of rhythm is slapping the floor with a pillow.

“What’s that?  It sounds like light footsteps.”

It’s about twice as fast as my heart rate.  It’s getting closer.  I take out my sole weapon, Windpipe No. 1.  As usual, flowers popped out.

“The first monsters in a dungeon are always small and weak and like cute little onion-shaped creatures, right?”

“Yuuri, you idiot!  Duck!  Get down on the floor!”

“Shut up.  The one who says idiot is the real idiot… eh!?”

The giant enemy that came speeding around the corner and charged right at us wasn’t small or weak or cute at all.  Of course, it wasn’t a slime-type creature either.

“M-Mickey!?”

-‘s hand.

Four fat and round fingers.  The white hand of ‘Mouse M’ that I know was running towards us on its middle and pointer finger.  It’s been magnified a few hundred times and is completely blocking up the hallway.  No way!  I would never have thought that Mickey was just his hand.  His HP seems like it will be excessively high as well.

“Wh-what do we do, Wolf… whoa, there’s one behind us too!?”

So it called for help, too.

When I turned around to get advice from my party member, the Mickey(‘s hand) behind us came running as well.  It’s taking up the entire hallway all the way to the ceiling with its ‘ploploplop’ funny running style.

“This is like having Konishiki at the front gate and Akebono at the back gate!”

“Don’t just stand there!  Get down, get down Yuuri!  It was written on the notice wasn’t it?”

So that ‘Do Not Enter’ sign meant exactly what was written on it?

The two of us crouch down at once and tried to go under the legs of the Mickeys (plural form).  However, since I was a moment late, I crash right into the crotch of Mickey #1.

“Gah!”

If I ever got smacked in the face with a serve during beach volleyball, it would definitely feel like this.  The shock hit me before the pain.  My brain got bounced around and I felt like my memories would get messed up.  Even Wolfram’s voice sounded like it was coming from speakers underwater.

“I’m oka… Wol-f… ooph.”

I thought for a moment we’d collapse on the stone floor, but the Mickey Pair surrounded us and we were cornered.  Neither of them understood the concept of giving up so the both of them were forcefully pushing each other around.  This scene with them grappling latched onto each other...

“Uh… looks like Mickey sumo…”

In the West: Mickey Noyama.  In the East: Mickey Doyama.

This isn’t the time to be thinking up names for them.  Hold up, if one of them is a girl mouse(‘s hand), then would this be flirting instead of wrestling?  At any rate, if this continues for much longer us two weaklings will get suffocated.  Even though my mouth and nose are completely smothered by fluffy white skin, I desperately try to call out of my fellow traveler.

“Wolf… we need… to some…how escape… below!  Our chance is when they lift their hips… so on three… push your… body out!”

“I gphurghah!”

It seems like he wanted to say ‘I got it.’

Suddenly, they both stood up a little taller and the gap between their legs widened.  With a pathetic shout, because my nose was squished, the third son and I drag our heads down.  Every part of my face gets stretched out, but with a sound like pulling a huge turnip out of the ground my head comes free and I can breathe easier and my cheeks feel better.

“Thank god, we got…”

But wait, now we’re too far into the ground.  Why is there no floor anymore!?  It’s always one extreme or the other, there’s never anything that’s just right.  There is no stone beneath the soles of my feet and I was moving according to the law of gravity.  To put it simply, I’m falling!

“Hyaaaaaaaagh!”

Leaving behind only a lasting shriek, we fall down to another floor.

I curl up my body expecting to hit a hard floor, but there is a strange elasticity to the spot I land.  After bouncing two or three times, the ground finally steadies.  The surface beneath my butt and palms was a cold lump like a gummi candy.

“… Wolfram?  Wolf, hey are you alright?  You don’t have any fatal injuries do you?”

“Damn it!  I hurt my face.”

“Seriously!?”

In the dim light reminiscent of a refrigerator, I make my way over to my companion on my knees.  If he gets a scar on that beautiful face of his I won’t be able to complain if he demands reparation.  It’d be troublesome if he pressures me to marry him because his worth as a pretty boy went down. Now that my eyes adjusted to the dim room, I was able to ascertain Lord von Bielefelt’s injuries.

“Oh, your nose just got bent a little upwards.  If you pinch it with those magic-powered laundry clips of yours, it’ll go back to normal in two or three days.”

“Don’ bake i’ sound so easy.  By nose ‘urts.”

Wolfram slammed his fist into the ground, probably to vent his anger.  After a brief moment, the gummi-shaped, pale floor shook with a tremor.  What are we sitting on?

“Hey uh, this moved.”

“It moved?  Seriously, you are such a- as my fiance don’t you think that worrying more about the floor than my nose is a little too cold-hearted?”

My predetermined, follow-up phrase came out in a semi-monotone because I’m so sick of saying it.

“But we’re both boys.  Anyway, is there a floor as squishy as this?  This is definitely a futon storage room or a food stockroom or… eh!?”

The white gummi underneath me shook with a force that would cause the needle on a seismic meter to jump.  We slide down a curve at reckless speeds and this time we really fall on our backs onto a hard stone floor.  The small, round hill swells up and suddenly starts stretching out.  It becomes even taller than us as we gaze at it in shock.  We don’t even have time to cheer the white gummi on.

“Rather than a gummi…”

The creature standing before me was a gigantic kabuto beetle larva even bigger than a human.  It had a milky white body and a dark brown nose and it had short little leg-like things quivering around creepily.  It’s not quite a caterpillar and it’s not quite a pillbug either.  Whatever angle you look at it from, it’s a ‘larva’.

There is a sticky liquid dripping from its mouth.  I wonder if it’s elatedly drooling from finding its afternoon snack.

“What is this thing!?” the pretty boy yells in an alto voice as he wipes the drool off of his stomach and scoots away while still on his backside.  It seems he’s not very good with dealing with irregular creatures like super gigantic kabuto beetle larva and sand bears with strange-colored panda fur.

I myself am not very good with dealing with animals of ridiculous sizes, but inside my brain that’s sounding the emergency alert, there is a part of me that’s steadily calculating how much this thing would be worth if it was a giant stag beetle larva.  And there are about 14 of these bugs standing up making weird sounds.

“Awesome… it’s stag beetle heaven…”

“Don’t daze off, Yuuri!  We’re going to get eaten!  They’re going to eat us!”

Scattering around that soupy lemon jelly, the larvae swoop down on me.  My field of vision becomes milky white and I am once again plunged into suffocation hell.

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