Hiyono wrote:
@ Shadow:
Actually, I just realized what I asked. It's too much work :p Forget I asked.
Reading through...
The first part, i feel that it is technically correct. But i do not suggest using that much...
Yours:
The forest rustled with unease. Such were the sounds made by the forest inhabitants, which had run away with all their might upon feeling the immense youki. The bugs, which had no means of sensing the danger, were unable to withstand the abnormal pressure and disappeared without a trace. Even animals, unable to escape, had come in contact with the youki and had instantly perished. The sound of their corpses raining out of the trees and littering the forest floor could be heard. Though there were no external injuries, nonetheless they had all died instantly.
Mine:
The forest began rustling with unease, those are the sounds made by the living organisms that running away with all their might upon realizing the immense youki, even the bugs that has no way of sensing the danger were unable to withstand such an abnormal presence and disappeared without a trace.
There seems to be something falling from above, and it was the corpses of the animals that came in contact with the youki and were unable to escape in time, resulting in instant death, though there were no external wounds, they are no longer able to move anymore.
Firstly, i would think using the word "Even" on the bugs would be more appropriate. As they cannot feel the danger, yet they still know to run off. "Even animals, unable to escape" is not such a good choice on the other hand, "Animals that are unable to escape in time" would be better, since those that sensed the danger earlier got away?
Thus, the start would be the sounds made by those running away. I noticed i missed a word in my translation. It should be
"the sounds made by the living organisms that are running away" and to have "had run away" would mean they are no longer there, in this case, would have no sound instead?
The reason i would think your translation for this part is inappropriate, would be because it is a passage made after you knew what happened. Whereas in the novel, it is happening. Thus first, they notice "something" falling from the sky, and then Kazuma and gang realizes it is the corpses of animals.
The next part would be about Ayano being in fear of Ryuuga
Yours:
"An immense fear had gripped Ayano’s soul."
Mine:
"Afraid, just completely afraid, an immense fear consumed Ayano’s soul."
This is correct, but the repetition of the afraid/fear is to emphasis on how afraid she truly is, by the author i believe?
Similar for the case of
Yours
"Ayano had inherited Enraiha at the age of twelve, when she was still young. It might have been a mistake"
mine
"At the age of twelve, no, to inherit the Enraiha when she is still young may have been a mistake."
In this case, i believe the author means to show that even though she is too young at twelve, however even thirteen or now may be too young for her to inherit Enraiha.
And, about the fight... Darn, teach me how to do that kind of translation >"<
This part might require changing though...
The wind blades and his claws reach Kazuma at the same time.
This would mean that Kazuma is hurt by them? but they are still striking at him when the next parts happened.
Ryuuya, who is still trapped on the ground, looses a silent roar.
Is this term correct? My english is bad, i only know of letting something loose... but looses a silent roar... not sure? @@ check for me?
From there, gathering power which goes past his knees straight to his waist, and from the waist to his shoulders, like a spiral, and continues to become stronger as it continued to be transmitted.
The power grows stronger in a spiral manner as it is being transmitted through his body... is the meaning still there?
An immense ki is released from his body through his palm, dense enough that it feels as if it could pierce through the enemy.
Maybe use "as if it could indeed pierce through the enemy."? to put a stronger feel that he feels rather certain it can do real damage?
Though her eyes burn with murder
Is this a correct way of putting it?
He can only pray, since he does not possess the power to participate in their battle.
My text has power in quotations, as in "power"
Ren turns in shock, and looks where there shouldn't be anyone.
Ren turns back in shock? or he looks back where there shouldnt be anyone, as in my text he turned to his back.
And in Hyoue's speech following immediately, God is in quotations too.
Flames emerge from Ren’s body. In order to prevent the enemy from moving behind him, he begins to search for Hyoue with a body wrapped in flame.
(I can’t find his presence!)
Perhaps But-------- or However------- can be added inbetween? according to my text that is...
As an En-jutsushi, Ren was still inexperienced, and was unable to handle the jutsu that the experienced Fuu-jutsushi Hyoue was using to conceal himself.
Should this be present tense instead?
In response to Ren’s scream, everywhere around, fires explode into existence.
In my text, it has the meaning of Fire spirits making their appearance, or manifesting in response?
cooling his and and calming his madness in an instant.
Mistake on you part? hoho
Yours:
Hyoue holds no doubts of his control of the situation. He might even think that this is not a fight, but a hunt, just a cat toying with a mouse before the kill. This is the weak point Ren grasped for.
Mine:
He replies calmly. Hyoue has never doubted the situation that is beneficial to him, he may be thinking that he is not fighting, but hunting! Ren grasped at this weak spot.
Not sure if Hyoue is intending to kill Ren, as he wants to revive his god? so that last part of a metaphor...
To be continued......