We Don't Open Anywhere: Miki Kouzuki's Closed World (II)

Miki Kouzuki's Closed World (II)

After Kouta left, I simply laid on my bed in a daze for a while. The sun had long since set by the time I finally began moving again and turned to the mirror on my desk to put up my unfastened hair. But I couldn’t will myself to do it. The red hair band I had used for for so long felt like it contained half of my self — well, that was an exaggeration, but it definitely felt like it had been part of me. That was why it had been so steeped in my magic. Kouta wasn’t the only one under its influence; it had also drained my desire to replace it.

I decided to give up on the ponytail and leave my hair like this for a while.

Collapsing onto my bed again, I ruminated on what Kouta had said to me.

I have to wonder, why do you spend so much time confirming my feelings without voicing your own even once?

His expression had been the same as always, and his voice had been gentle, but he had clearly been reproaching me. It was the first time he had done so.

He’ll just come to hold you in contempt, and that’ll be that. Later.

Yahara had been right after all.

I’m a magus.

That may not be the most accurate way to put it. But I do actually have a special power, and I call it magic.

Up until I turned ten, I never displayed any external emotions. I was extremely shy, never opening my heart up to anyone. By the time I was old enough to realize what was going on, my parents had fallen out of love and fought frequently enough that we even got complaints from the next neighborhood over. They began living separately when I was eight, and they got divorced when I was nine. I was an only child, so I didn’t have any siblings that could intervene. Back then, the atmosphere in our family always felt like someone had run a fine knife through it.

Although they were never physically abusive before the divorce, when my mother was in a bad mood she would often treat me like I wasn’t there. Even if I cried, she wouldn’t pay any attention to me. As this went on, I eventually stopped crying altogether, along with laughing. And I didn’t just stop expressing emotions, I became numb and stopped feeling them altogether. My unnecessary functions were deteriorating.

As you would expect, none of my classmates wanted to get close to someone like that, so I was alone at school as well. I didn’t talk to anyone at school, nor did I at home. That was how I spent my days.

It was like I was invisible. In Japanese class, I wrote poems along those lines as well. When I did, my homeroom teacher would give their unaffected impressions, usually something along the lines of “What an interesting perspective.” ...Notice my cries for help already. Or had they noticed, but ignored them after deeming them too much of a bother?

Nobody came to my rescue. The only reason I was saved was because I didn’t give up in spite of that. I longed for the warmth of others, I yearned for it, and that tenacity was what eventually saved me.

—If only I could use magic.

I always fantasized about that. If only I could use magic to get along with anyone and everyone. If I could use that kind of magic, my parents could get back together, and I could laugh along with my friends. Those were kinds of ridiculous delusions I entertained.

But then one day, magic suddenly stopped being a mere delusion.

Although I had noone to talk to, I was always enviously watching my classmates’ interactions. Now that I look back at it, I was watching them with an aberrant level of concentration.

As an outsider, I calmly observed their interactions. I scanned the patterns of their conversations, unconsciously accumulating data.

And once I did, I began to understand the regularities therein. What kind of person what do what kinds of things to which other people, and how would those people react? Ahh, sudden awakenings truly do happen. As if I had learned a new language, the way I saw the world shifted.

Having understood the regularities behind communication, I immediately put this knowledge to the test. It took courage to move forward, but my hundreds of simulations gave me confidence.

And the result was — people responded exactly as I expected.

It felt good beyond words.

I changed myself through force. My emotions were still weak, but that actually worked in my favor. If I didn’t feel anything, then no matter what part I had to play it wouldn’t adversely affect me. I was at a little bit of a loss as to what to use for my baseline personality, but I found being a cheerful airhead to be the most convenient so I eventually settled on that. I was also aware of my looks, and took full advantage of them. Personality isn’t a single thing, it’s incident to one’s outwards appearance. This can be observed particularly strongly when guys are looking at girls. And the same manner of communication leaves a different impression on each recipient. There are words that can only be said and taboos that can only be broken in certain contexts. I steeled my intuition, put that theory into words, and changed it into something I could control.

Although my good cheer was initially an act, it eventually took root in my personality. In much the same way, my lost emotions initially felt like they were drifting gently in the air above me but eventually became the real thing.

My days became startlingly resplendent, and I was replete.

In my greed, I desired even more bliss. I decided to use my powers not just to change myself, but to influence those around me as well.

In retrospect, I was basically cheating by using it against adolescent girls whose egos hadn’t fully developed. My “communication” bordered on brainwashing.

Upon accepted my interference and my value system, it became easier for me to control someone. In middle school, I had a friend (or so she was perceived by those around us) named Youko who I knew so well I could basically control. She became an entity dedicated to my convenience, as if she lived solely for my sake.

I refer to people like her as having taken on my attribute.By using the information under my control, I can even manipulate them subconsciously. If I recite an incantation, they’ll go so far as to become my swords and shields.

That’s why I call it magic.

But ever since that incident, my magic had been getting cloudier. The incident involving a ceremony I couldn’t tell Kouta about.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, it was an experiment.

I met this girl — I don’t know her name, so I’ll call her A — over the internet. I knew from her profile that she was interested in magic, so I took action. After exchanging LINE IDs with A, we immediately hit it off and began chatting nearly every day.

I had already experienced someone taking on my attribute at school. The next step was to find out how much control I could exert over a person, how much magic I could use, that I had only ever interacted with online. That was how greedy I was when it came to interpersonal relationships.

But the experiment ended in failure.

I had planned on controlling her by introducing her to my value system and sharing my magical delusions with her. But because I couldn’t meet her in person, small misalignments were born. My magic was imperfect.

One day, A invited me to a magical ceremony. While all this was going on, I was studying for high school entrance exams, and I declined her invitation because I had a test coming up. But perhaps the true reason I turned her down was because I sensed that her delusions were magnifying past the point of no return and becoming dangerous.

After conducting the ceremony on her own, something about A clearly seemed off. Her LINE messages became increasingly unintelligible, and when I expressed my confusion she became irritated, angry, disappointed, and ultimately ended up blocking me. Her social media profiles became full of citations in a language only she understood.

Then she stopped updating her social media altogether.

Worried about her, I took the train three hours to visit the middle school she went to. There, I soon discovered what had happened to her.

A had killed herself.

For the first time. For the first time, I began having misgivings about my magic. I had been manipulating people so casually, but was that really something so permissible? Wasn’t it wrong to change people like this? If I hadn’t been around, wouldn’t A still be alive?

Hesitations like that gradually chipped away at my magic. Magic became more powerful when you accepted it blindly, and weaker when you doubted it. No longer certain that I was in the right, I refrained from using magic and called myself a magus to anyone who would listen, only interacting with people who would approach me in spite of that.

But then I found out about Kouta Hiiragi.

He caught my attention from the moment I first laid eyes on him. As I watched him merge seamlessly into his environment, nearly transparent, I thought that he reminded me of mineral water.

Even if I was restraining myself from using magic, Kouta alone I couldn’t overlook. He was simply in too much danger. I don’t know how he looked to everyone else, but to me he looked like he was strolling down the streets of Johannesburg with rolls of banknotes pasted all over him.

I had to protect him!

I was overcome with a strong sense of duty. I willing to do whatever it took to protect him. It was so strong, I didn’t even mind if I had to offer him my chastity.

But taking a step back now and reconsidering, why had I been so fervent?

Once I got my thoughts in order, the cause became clear. After driving A to her death, I had likely been trying to atone. And Kouta had been a suitable individual. By saving Kouta, I could reaffirm both myself and my magic.

It was all for my own sake.

It was for my own ego.

I was well aware. I used my magic to manipulate others. But the one most strongly manipulated by magic was me. Even my personality had been created to suit magic’s needs. My very emotions turned according to magic’s convenience.

So I didn’t know any more.

Where did my true feelings lie?

“See you later, Kouta.”

I called out to Kouta from the hallway after school, then returned to my own classroom.

After I kissed Kouta, I couldn’t figure out how close we were. It wasn’t even clear whether or not we had broken up. I didn’t know if it was okay to walk home together with him, either.

On the other hand, it also wasn’t like he had completely cut off contact with me. No conclusion seemed forthcoming, and I put off reaching for one.

As someone who habitually made decisions quickly, this was a first for me.

“Say, Miki, did you by any chance break up with that guy from next door?”

Sayuri asked concernedly, wearing her trademark short skirt. I simply sat uncomfortably, which she mistook for an affirmation and pounded on my back.

“Well, I dunno who dumped who, but with your looks I’m sure you’ll have plenty of much better guys pounding at your door!”

“I think Kouta’s pretty good-looking, myself...”

That was my honest evaluation.

“Oh, no way. He’s totally normal. Bland. No personality. Below-average. And for him to break up with you so quickly, he must be a pretty shitty person. He’s worse than trash. I mean, that background character doesn’t even compare to someone like Makino.”

“I don’t even know Makino. And besides, Kouta and I didn’t break up. I think... probably...”

I realized my mistake the moment the words left my mouth. I’d said something that the love story-crazed Sayuri would be sure to latch on to.

“What’s up with you two!? Now you have to tell me everything! That’s it, how about you tell your favorite love expert the details?”

I mean, as far as I knew she had only ever dated one person, and she was still a virgin... No, there was no need to bring that up. Sayuri was always center of attention in our class, so she needed to be perceived as experienced in the ways of love. I shouldn’t say anything to shatter that image of hers.

I ended up attracting the interest of not just Sayuri, but most of the girls in class, so the whole matter took a good deal more time to resolve than I had expected. I was on edge because I didn’t want any strange rumors spreading around, and by the end of it all I was dead tired.

By the time I passed through the school gate, the sun had already almost set.

I had been hanging my head in exhaustion my entire way out, so it was by sheer coincidence that I lifted my head when I did and saw what I saw.

Kouta was with a girl from another school.

The aging coffee shop they went to was near the school, but drinks there were expensive and it wasn’t particularly stylish. Perhaps the conversations about romance I had been embroiled in were to blame for the fact that “affair” was the first word that sprung to my mind, and my face went bright pink.

But setting aside the prospect on affair, seeing the two of them side-by-side gave me an ominous premonition. And the girl was clearly being possessed by some manner of evil magic. It was hard to anything good coming of her interacting with Kouta as he was now.

But my legs simply trembled, refusing to take me to the coffee shop. No matter how much faith I had in my premonition, the courage to get involved refused to well forth.

Vexed at my own powerlessness, my eyes welled up with tears. What I really wanted to do was storm into that coffee shop this instant and protect Kouta from everything that might harm him.

What was so wrong about that?

The next day, Kouta had clearly undergone some manner of transformation.

Yahara was slowly corroding away at him. But a dead man’s magic can’t exert any new influence, so I hadn’t been treating it as an emergency.

But I had been mistaken. Yahara’s magic was stronger than I had imagined. And more importantly, its target had been Kouta, whose magic resistance was zero.

Kouta was completely submerged in the sorcery that was born from the ritual of his death.

What should I do? Kouta had already lost his confidence in me, so now that the issue had progressed this far it was difficult to imagine him listening to what I had to say. On the other hand, was it really for the best that I just leave him be? Would any actions I took to save him here simply be to fuel my own ego?

“You seem down again today, Miki. Probably have your head all full of that good-for-nothing guy Kouta, right?”

Sayuri’s quip came in an intentionally-bright tone. When I met her eyes and gave a small nod, she sighed exaggeratedly.

“...Say. You haven’t properly dumped him, and you haven’t been properly dumped, am I right? ...And, um, as an aside, I find Kouta’s worth as a guy to be deeply… deeply! Very deeply! Suspect! ...Suspect, but…”

She continued with a wry grin.

“If you like him so much, wouldn’t it best if you tried really hard to make up with him?”

“Eh?”

Like him?

I liked Kouta?

“You know, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on your whole situation-thing over there. Like, why things between you two keep getting so complicated. ...Say, Miki, you’ve never liked anyone before, right? This is just me guessing, but Kouta asked you out, and even though it was Kouta you didn’t hate the idea so you just kinda went along with it. Then, when he wanted to move the relationship along, your feelings still hadn’t caught up and you got all wishy-washy… and then he got all pissy, am I on the right track?”

I was impressed. There were a number of details she got wrong, but she had seen through to the essentials.

“You probably don’t understand your feelings yourself, huh, Miki. But see, using Makino as an example, you’ve rejected a bunch of guys before, right? But the only one you’ve gone out with is Kouta. That’s a pretty big jump, don’t you think? So I’m like, what if you just don’t know what it means to like someone?”

“...I don’t have any personal experience, but I think I have a pretty good idea from books and stuff. When you like someone, stuff like your chest getting tight, not being able to swallow when you’re eating, and being blind happen, right? But nothing like that’s happened to me. So I thought my feelings were something else…”

“Y’know, Miki, you’re really good at picking up on people’s true natures, right? Like, creepily good.”

I was startled at having that so suddenly pointed out. I didn’t think Sayuri had seen through me to that extent.

“Miki, the kind of like you’re talking about is probably just when you have illusions about the other party. Like, when you have an idealized version of someone in your head and you fall in love with that version. But when that happens, you’re not really looking at the real them. You’re just in love with the idea of being in love. But because you pick up on people’s true natures so easily, you don’t harbor illusions like that. I guess that makes you kind of a realist?”

“Does that mean I can’t fall in love?”

The creation of my very personality and emotions had been manipulated by magic. It couldn’t be helped if such impediments arose.

But Sayuri just shook her head.

“No, no, no. That kind of love is no more than kid’s play. It’s an egotistical, conceited kind of love. Even a love expert like myself had a phase like that. But every dreamer has to graduate from loving the idea of being in love. That kind of violent love never lasts long. But I think that even without those violent emotions, if you’re always, always always, thinking about that someone, then that’s already love in and of itself.”

I understood the words coming out of her mouth, but I couldn’t make them feel real.

So basically, I was already in love with Kouta?

“That’s…”

“Actually, maybe it doesn’t have to be that complicated? Falling in love is something you can only do if you want to. You couldn’t do it because you weren’t prepared yet. Does that make sense?”

“I’m really not sure it does…”

Sayuri took on a voice like she was gently teaching a child who was doing poorly in school.

“Okay, then let’s stop thinking about it all jumbled-up like that. Let’s just confirm something. Miki, what is it that you want to do for him?”

“That’s—”

It immediately came to mind.

I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to protect him from evil magi.

“Do you think about anyone else in the same way? Could you do the same things for them?”

Kouta was the only person I so desperately wanted to save. But that was because he was a special, transparent kind of person. It was because he didn’t have any magic resistance. ...Or so I had thought.

“Just do what you want to. Even if you end up being a bit of a nuisance, you’re cute enough that anyone would let you get away with it!”

“But…”

“No buts! Ahh, all this tedious blathering is so unlike you! Once the Miki I know has her mind set on something, she goes and does it! Where’d that assertiveness of your go?”

“T...that’s…”

“Ahh, I can’t hear you. Until Miki gets moving, I’m not talking to her anymore! That’s it, I’m done! I’m done being friends with her!”

Sayuri really was meddlesome, I thought, as she pushed me forward repeatedly after arbitrarily deciding that I was in love. But thanks to her fervent speech, I was finally sure of my feelings.

—No matter what, I couldn’t leave Kouta be like this!

That much I felt certain of. Whether or not it was my ego speaking, those were my true feelings.

Sorry, Kouta.

I can’t ignore these feelings of mine. No matter what!

As soon as break rolled around, I immediately headed for the next-door classroom. I had nothing even resembling a plan, but my magic should still have some efficacy. If I just talked with him face-to-face, I was sure I could come up with a way to save him!

I surveyed the classroom, but Kouta was nowhere to be seen.

What should I do? Should I wait for him…? Or should I go back after all…?

“Kouzuki. May I have a moment?”

As I hesitated, a skinny man in glasses called out to me. Though his glasses hid them somewhat, dark shades stood in sharp contrast on his face. Although we’d never spoken before, I knew him as the class representative who always instructed the class to take their seats in the mornings.

“It seems that you often visit our classroom with Hiiragi in mind. What I would like to inquire is, are you in fact his girlfriend?”

His hypocritical courtesy and peculiar manner of speaking where he didn’t allow his facial muscles to move made me wary. I was a magus, so he couldn’t fool me.

—This person was bad news.

How could I have not noticed such a blatantly evil person before? If he had always been this bad, I should have noticed his peculiarity like I did with Yahara and Matsumi-senpai and been on guard.

Had I simply overlooked him? ...Or perhaps, had he only recently become this way?

“I would appreciate it if you would answer my question.”

In my brooding I had completely forgotten to give an answer. As confused as I was, I tried to give as innocuous an answer as possible.

“Um, I’d say we’re really good friends… or something like that.”

“Is that so? However, would you not say that you harbor affection for him as a member of the opposite sex?”

It seemed impolite to me to ask such an intrusive question to somebody in your first proper conversation with them.

He didn’t seem timid in the slightest. But it seemed my displeasure made it across to him.

“That was rude of me. What I’m trying to ask is, why Hiiragi? That about sums it up.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m asking why it had to be him. He doesn’t have any particular talents, nor is he exceedingly attractive. Why are you so fixated on him, in spite of all that?”

Did he simply have romance on the mind, like Sayuri? ...No, there’s no way, right?

There was clearly some other motive behind his question.

I tried to get get a read on what it was, but because it was my first time talking to him I couldn’t get it from his expression alone.

I had a thought.

—I hate this person.

The reason I tried to tear Yahara and Matsumi-senpai away from Kouta was simply because they were dangerous. But I didn’t want to spend time around this guy for a simpler reason than that. I hated him.

“I don’t really see how that has anything to do with you, and I don’t really feel any obligation to answer that.”

“I see.”

The bespectacled man didn’t see overly concerned.

“Can I go now?”

“Ah, I apologize for keeping you.”

I turned away from him as if I were fleeing.

“Ah, my apologies. May I ask you one last question?”

Not hiding my displeasure as I turned around, I asked “What?”

“Do you believe that it is possible, simply from seemingly normal conversation and behaviour, to make others act according to one’s whim?”

Without thinking, my eyes widened.

—Could this guy know about magic?

The bespectacled man gazed interestedly at my panicked demeanor.

“...I think… it’s possible…”

“I see. Now I understand.”

He spoke almost in a whisper. Then he laughed eerily, to the point that I wasn’t sure how concerned I needed to be.

My mood worsening, I gave up on waiting for Kouta and fled the classroom.

Had he known about magic, and was investigating it? No… that wasn’t the impression I got. Then what in the world was he investigating?

But there was one thing I was certain of.

He too was a bad influence on Kouta.

Thanks to my unpleasant encounter with the bespectacled man, I was somewhat flustered. My sense of duty was flaring up as well, telling me that I had to do something about Kouta. All throughout class I found myself unable to think of anything else.

When lunch break came, I finally found Kouta in his classroom.

“Kouta! I, um… I have something I need to talk to you about!”

Kouta’s confusion was plain on his face. I couldn’t blame him; through yesterday, I had been respecting the distance we had placed between ourselves, and now I was acting all assertive all of a sudden.

After somehow convincing him, we made our way to the same courtyard as always. Between the lush trees and the increasingly-overgrown lawn, it seemed less likely than ever that we would be intruded upon.

“What was it you wanted to talk about, Miki?”

“There’s, um, something I really wanted to tell you…”

A phrase instantly sprung to mind.

I like you.

I was almost disappointed in myself. I was still being manipulated by magic. I knew that if I confessed to him like this, he wouldn’t be able to turn me down, which is why I decided to do it in the first place. It was just like when I kissed him.

Ahh… this was the first time I’ve ever resented magic.

But I stopped myself. I wanted to be sincere when I was with Kouta.

“I want to release you from this magic that’s nesting inside you.”

I knew that if I was so stupidly honest, there was a chance I would be rejected. But Kouta would accept it. To the very end, he would never reject me.

I was presumptuous.

This late in the game, I was still presumptuous.

“Just cut it out already.”

So even though I should have been able to anticipate his rebuttal, I couldn’t believe it.

“Miki, you’re full of yourself. You’re not even trying to understand how I feel. ...No, even if you understand how I feel, you’re still just trying to shove your own ego down my throat. I thought you’d been reflecting on that lately, but I guess I was wrong about that, huh.”

“...I, I have! But even so, I want to save you!”

“I’m not some tool you can use to reinforce your magic. And I’m not some pet you can use to stop being lonely, either.”

“I know that… or I thought I did, at least. But… Kouta, you’re in a really bad way right now! You’re getting stained in Yahara’s attribute, in a bad way, and it’s really dangerous! So I need to use my magic to—”

“Magic is just,”

He spoke with an exasperated look on his face.

“An illusion. It’s all in your head.”

That purposeful method of pushing people aside, of hurting them, of keeping one’s distance from them.

It was like he really was—

“I hold you in a bit of contempt now.”

Masato Yahara, wasn’t he.

He’ll just come hold you in contempt, and that’ll be that. Later.

It turned out exactly like he said it would.

Their speech patterns, their appearances, their magic, everything was lining up.

“Later.”

As if saying he didn’t want to even look at me any more, Kouta turned around and walked off in a flash.

I was left alone in the courtyard.

I was rejected?

—Right. I was rejected.

I was rejected so thoroughly as to fall into despair.

“...That’s weird.”

My magic existed just so I wouldn’t be rejected by others. My magic existed just so I could control others. Why so did this happen on account of my magic?

Why did the person I least wanted to be rejected by, reject me?

“...Uw…”

Sadness? Loneliness? Heartbreak? I threw out all those negative emotions at the very beginning. I thought the only emotions I had left were those that I could manipulate to my benefit. But then, what was this… They’re all still totally here.

“...Uwaa...Whaaaa…”

Tears were something for me to manipulate others with. One of the convenient tools at a woman’s disposal. But although I had believed that, tears were streaming down my face despite nobody else being around.

What was going on… Get a grip already… Why was I crying?

“Uwaa, whaaaaaaa!”

It wasn’t like I wanted to cry or anything!

After fleeing from the courtyard, I holed myself up in a stall in the girl’s bathroom. The bell for fifth period rang, but I couldn’t stop sobbing and simply stayed put.

My mind was in turmoil, but I tracked down the one calm part of myself and put it to use.

Even if Kouta ended up hating me, I wouldn’t suffer any lasting damage. If an influential girl like Sayuri started hating me it would likely affect the rest of my interpersonal relationships as well, but Kouta didn’t belong to any social circles in particular. In fact, due to his relationship with Yahara he was somewhat isolated.

Even if Kouta continued to be subsumed by Yahara, even if he passed the point of no return, it wasn’t my fault. If I hadn’t been around in the first place, the only thing that would have changed would have been him getting taken over by Yahara’s magic even sooner. It was completely different than my friend who had committed suicide.

Besides, why had I become so engrossed in Kouta in the first place?

I have this power. And even if they weren’t to Kouta’s extent, I’ve seen plenty of people in danger like he is. For example, that girl from another school that Kouta was with yesterday. But even knowing that, I never once thought to save them. For better or for worse, I’ve been pretty cold since I discovered magic.

Why was Kouta alone so special?

Why was I so willing to give him my first kiss, even though I would recoil at the thought of doing that with anyone else?

Why did it hurt this much to be rejected by him?

—Ahh, so that’s it.

I’m so stupid. It’s so simple. Anyone else would have realized it in an instant. Only I could have failed to see it.

I’ve been violated.

Violated by the most cliched magic imaginable.

The magic of love.

“But… I’m too late…!”

Why hadn’t I realized my feelings sooner? If I had been aware of how I felt, I’m sure I could have come up with any number of ways to get him to like me. There would have been any number of ways.

I hadn’t know what was driving me, so I hadn’t known how to manage it. It was just one failure after another.

The instant I realized what the true nature of my feelings was, the notion of “heartbreak” was born in my chest. It felt akin to the “loneliness” that had tormented me in the past, but the two were hardly comparable. I was furious. Furious at my inability to control my own emotions.

But for some reason, I felt happy as well.

I was happy that there was something that could move me to these lengths. Thank goodness that my emotions weren’t truly dead. Thank goodness that some parts of me were still human!

Ahh, who cares any more! Who cares that Kouta doesn’t have any magic resistance any more! Who cares that he’s being possessed by Yahara any more!

As long as I can keep being with Kouta from now on, who cares any more!

I wanted to devote myself to Kouta. I wanted to make him mine. I wanted to stain him in my attribute. Ahh, my heart was awash with my own selfish ego. So awash with selfishness I might even disappoint myself. But I couldn’t stop it!

Suddenly, the saying about how first loves are never fulfilled floated to my mind.

The first time I heard those words, I laughed with scorn. I’m a magus; I can control people without them even noticing it. If I were to ever fall in love, the thought of it ending in failure was laughable. I thought I’d just be able to seduce whoever I fell for at a whim.

And now look at me! How pathetic I am! How conceited I was!

“Uwaaa, whaaaaaaaaaa!”

I’m so sad!

How could I miss this once-in-a-lifetime shot?

I couldn’t just run home on account of having left my bag in the classroom, so I timed my return with the bell signalling the end of fifth period. My eyelids were puffy and red, so I was immediately grilled by my classmates.

After matter-of-factly tearing me away from the misfortune-starved horde, Sayuri dragged me back to the bathroom. The two of us entered a stall. After making me sit on the toilet seat, she leaned against the door and folded her arms.

“Let me guess, that ass Kouta dumped you, you finally realized that you’re in love with him, and you’ve been crying alone on the toilet for the past hour, right?”

“...Yeah.”

After making her promise not to repeat it to anyone, I told Sayuri everything. The face staring back at me from the mirror earlier looked like death, and Sayuri’s response after looking closely at it was—

“Ahahaha! So that’s it! You’re a riot!”

—irreverent laughter.

What was I to do? I was on the verge of livid. I, the supposedly emotionless heroine, had recalled not only how to get sad but also how to get angry.

“W...what are you laughing at!? I’m having an unrequited love over here! I’m so sad I’m bawling my eyes out over here! What’s wrong with you, Sayuri!? What, you want to go? Come on, let’s go!”

“Ahaha… Sorry, sorry! It’s just, you’re so innocent, Miki, it’s adorable…”

“Adorable!? I’ve had enough of this… I’m going to cast a spell on you that makes you unable to ever split your chopsticks cleanly…”

“I said I’m sorry for laughing! ...But isn’t it too early to call your love unrequited just yet?”

Unsatisfied, I spoke in a low voice, my face still twisted in anger.

“He said he held me in contempt, you know? Other than unrequited, what else could it possibly be…”

“I’m telling you, if he really didn’t want to go out with you any more, he would have said it differently. It’s proof that he just wants you to better yourself.”

Was it? Wasn’t it a matter of course that nobody who was that disappointed in me would ever want to go out with me?

“You were so unaware of your own feelings, all that the lucky guy you fell for heard from you was ‘I don’t really understand, but I want you to stay with me. I want you to put up with my selfishness. I want you to do as I say.’ And why do you think he was willing to do all that for you?”

After hearing it put that way, I was all the more impressed at Kouta for putting up with me for so long. It was no wonder he hated me now.

“...That’s, well, because Kouta is the kind of person who can’t reject anyone.”

“Nope. It’s because he’s interested in you.”

“What?”

That was too far out of left field.

“This is just my intuition talking, but Miki, did you by any chance have a bunch of male friends in middle school? You know, doing you favors and stuff?”

“I don’t know about favors, but I did have friends…”

As long as I had my magic, such a feat was simple. I had put a lot of effort into getting people under my control, male and female alike. I had long thought that my ability to do so was my one redeeming quality.

“You know, those guys were probably all into you!”

“Ehh…? Your logic’s getting a little shaky…”

“You really are blind to your whole sex appeal, aren’t you. I can definitely tell that you didn’t put much thought into romance up until now. Hmm… a quiz, then. What would you say is the kind of girl that guys are the most likely to fall for?”

“Huh? Umm… Someone who’s cute, mature, and respectful… and maybe good at cooking? And long hair is probably better. Anyways, that sort of girly girl, right? I don’t really fit the type, you know.”

“Well, a girly girl like that’ll be a hit with the guys for sure. But that’s not it. That type’ll be popular, but not the most popular. The most popular type is gonna be the type of girl whose looks are only so-so, is easy to talk to, who they can be themselves around, and who looks like they’re having a good time when they’re chatting. Other than the bit about the looks, it’s a description that fits you to a T.”

“You’re not just saying stuff to cheer me up, are you?”

“I’m as serious as can be. Girls are pretty much the same way, but guys don’t really go for girl who are out of their league. They fall for girls that they feel like they have a shot with. And you’re kind of a natural at provoking guys that way, Miki. You try so hard to make sure the people you interact with are having fun, it makes guys wonder if you might be into them. You’re a master at accidentally giving the wrong impression. The first time I met you, I wanted to kill you because I thought you were doing it on purpose.”

“You’re scary…”

“Wait a minute, haven’t you, like, had a bunch of guys confess to you?”

I was silent. I couldn’t refute it.

“So what’s up with that ‘I don’t know anything about love’ aura you give off? Anyways, you should be aware of how popular you are.”

“...Well, enough about me being popular—”

“I’ll kill you. Don’t go getting cocky on me. I’ll kill you.”

“Let me finish! Geez, the look in your eyes is scary! ...But even if I’m popular, that’s different from Kouta liking me, right? I’m pretty confident that he doesn’t seem me in a romantic light.”

“Maybe the two of you are more alike than you think. I’m pretty sure he holds you in good favor… Maybe he doesn’t realize it, either.”

...Now that she mentioned it, Kouta had a habit of avoiding self-reflection, so him being unaware of his feelings was only natural.

“And for that matter, he didn’t ignore you or anything even after you started acting all arrogant around him, right?”

Thinking back to how Kouta was originally, I mumbled, “I think so.”

“Then you got this in the bag.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Even though he might not realize it, it’s not your personality that’s annoying him so much. It’s not your selfishness. It’s what we were just talking about, how you don’t put things clearly. He’s mad because you properly said that you liked him.”

I wanted to tell her that there’s no way that was the case, but something Kouta had told me floated to mind.

I have to wonder, why do you spend so much time confirming my feelings without voicing your own even once?

“Even if Kouta’s like you were and doesn’t realize he’s in love with you, all you have to saying is something like ‘I like you so much I can’t leave you alone. I’m sorry.’ and he’d forgive you with a sappy look on his face. ‘Cause it’s pretty clear he definitely has feelings for you. Guys are pretty simple, you know, and they don’t really get hung up on the past. So you’ve got this in the bag. Or should I call it an easy win?”

I immediately wanted to rebut, saying that there was no way it could be that easy.

But when I ran a simulation inside my head, I felt like the result would be exactly as she predicted. I could almost imagine Kouta saying “It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” and forgiving me with a slightly flustered look on his face.

That was amazing.

Sayuri came up with an incantation to salvage a relationship that not even I could think of a way to like it was nothing.

I gazed at Sayuri with newfound respect.

“Sayuri, are you by any chance actually a powerful magus?”

I had thought that there was nothing I had left to learn from others when it came to communication.

“Magic? What are you going on about? Well, I guess it does make sense that you’d be no match for me, given that you’re just a little fledgeling when it comes to love and I’ve got love on the brain twenty-four seven.”

That… made sense. There was no way I could compare to a romance fanatic like her.

Sayuri gave my head a soft knock.

“Go get ‘em, Miki.”

“...Will do.”

It was possible that despite my preconceptions, magic wasn’t actually all that special. It was possible that others could use similar abilities.

It wasn’t that nobody else knew that magic existed. They just didn’t need to. After all, you can do things similar to magic without even noticing.

But… I still wanted to believe that my magic was special. I couldn’t so easily discard something that had supported me for so long.

There may well come a day when I find the degree to which I was obsessed with magic embarrassing, but that day is yet to come.

I still believed in my magic.

It was still something deeply important to me.

I decided to go see Kouta once school let out.

But thinking about it, it would be difficult to hold a normal conversation with him given how things ended last time. I had to resolve myself if I was going to be able to make up with him.

I had no choice but to confess my love for him.

Upon realizing this I began to lose my nerve a little, and the next-door classroom began to seem farther and farther away. No matter how many deeps breaths I took, my heart continued pounding away. My shoulders stiffened up from the stress, and I even began to feel a headache come on. After slapping my unobedient legs over and over, I finally reached the classroom.

Kouta wasn’t there. But his bag was, so it seemed likely that he’d be back for it soon. With some hesitation, I headed for his seat and sat down. I fell prostrate on the desk he used day in and day out.

That was all it took for my affection to start overflowing. Self-awareness. My heart felt so itchy that I wanted to scratch it. But at the same time it felt pleasant, like the blood pumping out of my heart was warmer than usual.

How odd. I hadn’t realized what these feelings were until today, and yet I was well past the point of doubting them.

I liked Kouta.

I liked Kouta a lot.

I would confess to him, and make a request. An egotistical request for him to become mine.

But who cared if it was egotistical.

I liked him, after all.

I loved him.

So he would forgive me, wouldn’t he? That was what love meant, wasn’t it?

In order to hide my giddy face, I lay even flatter on his desk. Kouta didn’t seem to be coming back, but I waited for him anyways.

I was so lost in the throngs of love that I had completely forgotten.

Kouta was on the verge of not being Kouta any more.

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