Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3
Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"
Yeah, right.
Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.
The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.
Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.
"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.
Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...
"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.
"Transfer student?"
Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!
"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."
"Hmm..."
"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"
"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."
Didn't he say that last time?
"What are you so worried about?" I asked.
Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.
"Uh, um... nothing."
I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.
"..."
His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.
"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"
Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.
I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.
"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"
He slowly shook his head.
"Do you know the rules, then?"
Same motion. A negative.
"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.
He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.
Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.
That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?
It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.
"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"
Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.
"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."
The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.
"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"
What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!
"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"
If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.
"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.
He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"
The world stood still for a second.
Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.
Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.
Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.
"Ah, I see."
She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."
After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."
She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.
...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?
Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"
"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"
Crash!
A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?
"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!
"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.
"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"
What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?
And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.
As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?
Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that he had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.
"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."
"...Have you read the book?"
I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.
"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."
"...Correct."
"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"
"There is no need."
He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.
"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."
His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?
"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.
Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.
And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.
I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.
It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:
Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.
The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.
I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...
I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.
I thought about it for about ten seconds.
Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.
If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.
Well, I didn't get that luxury.
I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.
Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.
Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.
"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."
A nod.
"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.
Another nod.
"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"
"This way."
With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.
"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.
"No."
I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.
"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"
"My home."
Wait, what?
I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?
Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.
"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."
"Do not worry. Noone else is home."
That makes me worry even more!
I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.
A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.
"Here."
Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.
Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.
"Enter."
Are you serious?
I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.
There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.
"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the bathroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.
This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?
The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.
"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.
Silence.
He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remembered something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.
"Erm... where's your family?"
"Not here."
"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"
"I am the only one who has ever been here."
That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.
"Are you... are you living on your own?"
"That is correct."
Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.
"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"
Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.
"Drink."
I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he didn't seem like he was that kind of person.
"You dislike tea?"
"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.
"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"
Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?
"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.
He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."
He paused for a moment.
What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.
"What about Suzumiya and you?"
This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.
"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."
And Nagato began to talk.
"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."
And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?
"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.
"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."
What on earth is he trying to say?
"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."
"..."
"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."
"..."
"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."
"..."
"...and that factor... would be you."
What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?
In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.
Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.
Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.
However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.
"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.
"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."
Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.
The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.
"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."
"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."
"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."
"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."
Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.
"..."
I didn't have any idea how to respond.
"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."
"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."
"Please, believe me."
I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.
"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly convey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."
Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!
"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"
"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."
"No, there’s no reason!"
"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."
"…Are you serious?"
"Completely."
For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially been marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.
I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.
Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?
Give me a break!
"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."
"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."
"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"
"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."
"Eh?"
"Clarification: He will not believe you."
...He's got a point.
"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."
Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.
Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...
...lonely.
I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.
I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.
...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.
Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.
It sure was dark out tonight.
“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.
“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”
If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:
“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”
“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.
In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.
“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”
His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”
No, it’s--
His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.
I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”
He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.
“What?”
By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.
“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”
“Including the weekend?!”
Fine, whatever.
He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”
What a little brat...!
When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.
If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.
My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.
Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.
I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.
It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.
Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'
"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"
"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"
Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.
"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"
Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.
“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”
Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.
After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.
"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"
I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.
Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.
My gods. Such a perfect maid.
"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.
I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...
"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.
"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.
"Because maid costumes are sexy!"
I don't think that's a real answer to my question.
"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"
Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”
"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."
Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.
“...into THIS!”
With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?
"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"
Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?
As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.
Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"
You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...
Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.
"...uwah..."
"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"
Got a maid fetish, Haruki?
Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.
And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.
"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."
Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.
"Ah...?!"
Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.
"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”
Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.
"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"
"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"
Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!
In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.
Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.
The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.
"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"
Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?
Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.
"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"
Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?
"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.
"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"
Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"
Oh god.
Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?
Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!
"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"
I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"
"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?
"What?!"
I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!
"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"
I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the entrance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.
She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.
"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.
"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"
A job? What's this, all of a sudden?
Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.
That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.
“Hey, Kyon!”
Haruki was grinning again.
“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”
Oh no.
My doom has finally arrived.
There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.
I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.
“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.
Haruki's grin widened.
“Bun-ny girl.”
He reached towards me.
“Now, if you'll just--”
I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!
"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"
I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?
Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...
While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"
He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...
Sigh. I looked up at my captor.
"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"
Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.
I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.
...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!
Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.
Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...
"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!
"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"
This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?
"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"
Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!
"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"
"...What exactly are we looking for?"
Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.
"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”
And marry them?
“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"
Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!
I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.
Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:
"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"
I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.
So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?
That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!
When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.
I'm going to kill him.
I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.
I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:
"I knew that already!"
But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.
I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.
Was that a bad idea?
Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!
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