On a Godless Planet:Volume3A Prologue
Prologue: Blue Almanac[edit]
–A story (disaster) beginning with rain.
●
I woke up to find a flood outside.
“Yahoo! I wet the bed like crazy!!”
For real though, the rain was something else. The sky was covered by super dark clouds.
When I opened the window, raindrops gave me a powerful facial shower and I felt like reciting one of those weird poems included on sexy pinup photos.
“The sky weeps. Your sunny summer days are gone in a flash!”
No, that’s no good. It’s a little too well made. It doesn’t quite fit that natural niche market of poems that might as well not be there but go for it anyway.
“Hey, wait! This open window’s letting the rain into my room!”
And since it’s summer, the rain is weirdly lukewarm!
Anyway, what bothered me at the moment was the balcony’s drainage. The wall below the railing meant water would pool up on the floor there and it could flow into the room if I wasn’t careful. And if that happened…
“I’ll be living in a pool! Oh, but wait! If that happened, there’s a one-in-a-million chance the same would happen to Senpai’s room! And in the one-in-a-million chance she’s living in a pool, there’s a one-in-a-million chance she might be hanging around in a swimsuit? And then there’s a one-in-a-million chance she might be out on her balcony taking a shower in the rain, which means I can go out on the balcony and worship Senpai out in the rain!”
<Are you done wasting this virtual world’s valuable oxygen on your nonsense? By the way, your figures say the probability of Senpai-san being out on the balcony is one-in-a-million to the power of four, which means there is only a one-in-septillion chance.>
●
I woke up to find a flood outside.
“Oh, no! We’re having a really busty rainstorm!! Shifu-san levels of busty!”
I had no idea what that was supposed to mean even as I said it, but the rain really was something else. The sky was covered by super dark clouds.
Anyway, what bothered me at the moment was the balcony’s drainage. The wall below the railing meant the water would pool up on the floor there and it could flow into the room if I wasn’t careful. And if that happened….
“I need to do something before that happens!”
●
Just to prove Balancer wrong, I went out on the rainy balcony and found Senpai out on the neighboring balcony while wearing a swimsuit.
She was wet with rain. Her messed up hair made it seem a lot more candid than when we were playing in the river in Okutama. To sum it up in a single word…
“Excellent…”
“Eh? Eh? Sumeragi-kun? What’s going on?”
“I’ve done nothing wrong! Nothing at all! I’m announcing my presence, so it’s all above board! Anyway, way to go beating the odds, Senpai! I knew one-in-septillion odds were nothing for you! Um, seeing you getting wet in this liquidation sale of heavenly blessings is like a full-screen attack on my faith! Like in a side-scrolling game when you press the button and the entire screen flashes and everything shakes! Anyway, good morning! I’m getting started on my worship early today! One boob, two boobs, three boobs!! ...Okay, maybe not three. That wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be, so I’ll try something else next time!”
<You can ignore him. And get on with your work.>
“Hey! I think we’ve all heard enough out of you! You were all like ‘that would be one-in-septillion, don’t you seeeee?’ and look how wrong you were! I hope you learned your lesson! From now on, any one-in-septillion odds related to Senpai and me should be treated as one-in-one odds! Got that!?”
<As much as I would love to give you a lesson on the basics of probability, ape, I will instead admit defeat just this once. I admittedly did not predict this outcome. So enjoy your meaningless victory.>
I put my hands on my hips and skipped back and forth across the watery balcony.
“Uho hoi! Uho hoi! Yay! Look at this stupid AI that can’t even do probability right! Did you hear that!? Stuuuuupid!!”
<This damn human.>
“Anyway, um, Sumeragi-kun? What are you doing out on your balcony?”
“Oh, right! I’m going to prostrate myself in the puddle here to thank you for the blessing of your morning swimsuit!”
I did it. Only afterwards did I realize something.
“D-damn, the balcony wall gets in he way so I can’t see her! Senpai! Did that work!? Did my early morning prostration reach you!?”
“Um, yes. My level is shooting up, so it worked fine.”
I did it thrice. I was out of breath by the last time, but…
“Ahh! That really woke me up! Morning prostrations make for great exercise!”
<So what are you doing out here, Senpai-san? Purification?>
“No, um, I’m using an Auth Spell to apply weatherstripping so the water won’t leak in from the balcony.”
●
I brushed back my messy hair in the rain and asked about something concerning I had noticed earlier.
“Um, Sumeragi-kun? Can you see down below?”
“Eh!? Give me a sec!”
Sumeragi-kun stared straight at the wall between our balconies. He held his hands out in front of him and…
“X-ray vision! I can see, see, see, seeeee!!”
<Can you really?>
“What!? Of course I can! Why would I lie about this!?”
He then used a smooth motion to prostrate again.
“I’m sorry! But I don’t have the psychic powers needed to see through that wall and see your lower half! Which some might call your B-part!”
“No, um, not down below on me. I meant the 1st floor below our balconies.”
Sumeragi-kun stood up in the rain, took a breath, fixed his glasses, and tapped Balancer a few times with his left hand.
“Worried about me? Hm?”
<Wow, is this ape a creep!>
They’re such good friends, I thought, but now wasn’t the time to appreciate that fact.
“Look below, Sumeragi-kun! On the first floor!”
I pointed to the outer side of my balcony instead of the wall between the two. I wanted him to look directly below his room because…
“Kido-san’s room is flooded!”
●
You could call it inundated or just plain underwater. The glass balcony door was completely submerged.
“Oh, you’re right! The water level’s really high, huh!?”
“But is Kido-san okay?”
“What about me?”
Kido-san poked her head out from Sumeragi-kun’s room.
●
“Hm? Kido-san, what are you doing?”
“Preparing breakfast – what else?”
A breath.
“Iwanaga-san, I notice you haven’t shown up to help yet.”
“Oh, um, thanks for the mother-in-law act! And sorry, but I’m busy weatherstripping my balcony.”
“Weatherstripping? With duct tape or something?”
“No, with an Auth Spell. It’s a support spell that works without a divine field, so I’m growing rocks from the balcony floor to seal up the area around the door!”
“Seal up?”
“Um, yes! The balcony is made of concrete, so by hardening the rock using sand as a catalyst, it zoops on up! Just zoops!”
“Oh, you mean like when a Sol grows up out of the ground? Or when a wall appears in King’s Knight?”
<Could you maybe choose something anyone else might have heard of, ape?>
“I must admit I do not understand, but Douhai-san?”
“Um, yes!? What is it!?”
“Are the rocks you make…reversible?”
“…”
“O-oh, no! Now I have a balcony with rocks growing from it!? B-but I’ve done nothing wrong! Nothing at all! I’m announcing I did it, so it’s all above board!”
“Um, I am the landlord here. Now, I’m not going to demand you return your full deposit, but still.”
“D-don’t worry! I’ll live here my entire life! As a pro shut-in who once spent thousands of years without going outside, living here for the rest of my life is barely a challenge!”
<Not something you want to be a pro in.>
“Don’t worry! If Senpai lives here the rest of her life, then I’ll live here too!”
●
I heard Kido-san sigh.
Then she put a hand on her cheek.
“As your mother, I think you should consider having one of you move into the other’s room or possibly tearing down the interior wall to give you one big room, but it is too soon to be discussing such things – especially out here in the rain.”
“This kind of thing is what makes you so great, Kido-san, so please never change!”
Anyway, I asked about what I had noticed.
“Kido-san, is your room alright down there?”
“Yes, that is only water. I applied weatherstripping with my own Auth Spell. And when I want to come up here, I can open a path through the water and walk like normal.”
She might not be a major god, but she’s still on the level of a mother earth goddess, isn’t she? I realized before asking about something else. While brushing up my rain-wet bangs.
“Um, one more question.”
Kido-san was dressed for preparing breakfast. Except…
“Why are you wearing an apron and a black shirt over a swimsuit?”
“Eh?”
Kido-san looked down at herself and tangled the side of the apron around her finger.
“Because there’s so much water outside. Water might be my area of expertise, but I still don’t want to get wet. So I figured I should wear a swimsuit. But walking around outside in a swimsuit would be weird, so I put a shirt on over it. And if I’m going to be making breakfast, I need an apron, don’t I?”
Then she asked me a question.
“Care to explain what part of this I should be embarrassed about?”
That was impressive, so I prayed to her just once.
●
“But,” I said as I stepped out onto the balcony, my feet soaking in the gathered rainwater. “I included a divine protection in breakfast to keep the rain from getting us wet. Douhai-san, Izumi, get dressed and get ready.”
“Th-thank you! I will!”
“Hooray! I’ll get ready too!”
Just as they said that, I saw someone standing on the roof of the building across the street. Two someones. They were on the move and the quicker-moving one called out to us first.
“Hey! Need any help escaping from there!?”
“Eh!? Um, no, we’re fine!”
After Douhai-san answered, the shorter figure somehow managed to catch up with the first one. And…
“If you do need help, just contact the schoo-”
But he paused when he saw us.
“Eh? Why swimsuits? …Oh, no!”
He took a wrong step and fell to the other side of the house, earning a frantic response from the girl with him.
“Beisu, you idiot!”
She circled around to the other side, so he probably hadn’t fallen off. I think, anyway.
“Um, what was that?”
“He was blown away by the Rising Aura created by the Big Boobs Barrier you two created! As your rank increases, that’ll turn into a press counter that lets you shrug off all physical attacks! It makes a ‘boing’ sound effect! Boing!”
A ton of level up notices appeared all around Douhai-san.
“You are really committed to that bit…”
“So, anyway, who were those two?”
“You know they’re students from our school, right?”
Douhai-san confirmed that she did. Izumi tilted his head, but I decided not to worry about it.
“Some of the gods at our school volunteer for security work around Tachikawa. They are known as the Guards. The gods in charge of protection, guarding, and safety from the various mythologies in Tachikawa have gathered together to patrol at night and provide assistance during disasters. Think of them like a youth association.”
I knew a fair amount about this. Because…
“I needed to know where they were patrolling when I was helping Salacia escape.”
“Oh, that makes senses.”
“Anyway, how about breakfast? Douhai-san, I can still use your help, so I would prefer it if you got over here sooner rather than later.”
●
“Heyyy, Senpai-chan? And Kido-chan too?”
“Oh, sorry. I’m changing in my room!”
“I am preparing breakfast in Izumi’s room.”
“Making moves already, Kido-chan? Nice.”
“If you are only going to tease me, I will hang up.”
“Sorry, sorry. Anyway, everyone’s talking about evacuating to the club building at school, so just thought I’d pass the word along. I know the flood probably isn’t a problem for you with Kido-chan there, but how about it?”
“Um, what are you two doing?”
“We’re bringing meat.”
“After we ate so much while camping?”
“We always eat this much. So should I order some sides too?”
“We didn’t say we were coming yet. And what’s Kuwajiri-san doing?”
“I’m bringing the beer. They should be here to pick me up soon.”
“You have your roles already? So what else do you have ready?”
“There are games to pass the time in the clubroom and we might borrow some sleeping bags from the hiking club. Oh, and it’ll probably be easier if you wear a swimsuit. We can easily disinfect everything and you can change into a track suit or something once you get to the club building.”
“Wait, but I just changed into my uniform!”
“But what if you fall in the water? Anyway, let us know when it’s convenient for you and we’ll come pick you up.”
●
We ended up preparing breakfast in something of a hurry.
My job was to set up the table and tatami chairs in the Japanese-style room we were using as a dining room. I also turned on the TV to watch the news.
Meanwhile, Kido-senpai walked in and placed a small rice tub, small plates, and rice bowls on the table. The main dish she carried in was…
“The flooding could last a while, so I tried to use up everything in the fridge. I went with the orthodox choice of vegetables stir-fried in Worcestershire sauce with some grilled fish.”
“Sorry I’m late! Um, I’ll make some thick omelets!”
“Use all the eggs in the fridge to make some egg wash. That way you can also make some bentos for everyone. One omelet is enough for me.”
“Eh? Oh, okay! I’ll do that!”
We were in a bit of a rush, but we began our breakfast with the apartment shaking in the rain and wind. Senpai brought in the thick omelets and Kido-senpai prepared the rice.
“Here you go.”
“Thank you.”
“Thanks.”
Just as I said that, a level up Revelation Board appeared near Senpai.
“Huh?” said Senpai and me.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, not really. I’m just not sure why she leveled up just now.”
It seemed weird. I mean, all I’d said was “thanks”, which I’d said plenty of times, but this had happened a few times in the past too. Was it because I had thanked Senpai for making her part of the food? If so…
“Before it was always only my respect for Senpai that counted as worship, but now indirect thanks for food she made works too? Did they relax the rules?”
<Close, but not quite.>
The talking screen made an appearance. And before I could wonder why…
<That was your worship of Kido.>
●
…Hmm!? Why would his worship of Kido-san affect me?
I asked about that.
“Um, Kido-san counts as Sumeragi-kun’s ancestral spirit, right? So why would his worship of her end up with me?”
<Allow me to explain from the beginning.>
Sumeragi-kun made a point of loudly crunching on the bean sprouts and cabbage in the stir-fried vegetables. Balancer gave him an irritated look but otherwise ignored him.
“Are you going to explain or not?”
<Yes, of course. As the ape’s relative, Kido receives his worship as an ancestral spirit, but this only applies when he expresses that worship. That is why it was triggered when he thanked Kido as his ancestral spirit – that is, as his mother.>
<But,> said Balancer. <The ape’s primary god is Senpai-san. And Shinto is a lax religion that accepts the existence of any and all gods. Furthermore, Shinto rules say all gods can provide their authority to another as long as there is some kind of connection between them.>
“You mean…?”
<Even when the ape worships Kido as his ancestral spirit, that worship will instead go to Senpai-san. So, Senpai-san, please distribute that worship to Kido in some form.>
“D-distribute it? How do I do that?”
<There is a setting for it on your Revelation Board. However, this was an update added after Kido’s released manifestation the other day, so now is a good time to learn about it.>
I opened my Revelation Board as instructed.
“I think I may have noticed it there…”
There it was. It was higher up on the list than I expected, but…
“Are we supposed to negotiate over the exact setting I use?”
<Some of the available settings would make a loan shark jealous.>
“Um, Kido-san, should I just give it all to you?”
“You should at least take keep some for yourself. Like half of it.”
“Half is way too much! Way, way too much! This worship was meant for you!”
”Then what about 60-40, with you taking the 40?”
“No, no, no. That’s still too much!”
●
“This feels like adjusting the land tax rate in one of those old simulation games that includes economic stuff.”
<You mean like the Koei games?>
“Yeah. I would usually set the tax rate to 10% to make the people happy and increase the population and then up the rate to 90% on the turn before autumn to take all their crops while also keeping a high approval rating. That doesn’t work in the later games, though.”
<You have the worst ideas. But you could do something similar in SimCity, so I suppose you can find these exploits everywhere.>
●
We settled on 30-70. Because…
“Listen. If he does eventually add more new targets of worship like me, the distribution rate could change and you might have to distribute among multiple gods. If you keep your rate down to the minimum from the start, you have no wiggle room left, but if you leave a margin for yourself, you can handle these things.”
“”Do you think he will worship more people like he does you?”
“Hard to say.” Kido-san tilted her head. “But his worship for me – his thanks to his mother – is something not contained in your relationship with him. So if there are other ‘inviolable relationships’ of that sort, he likely will worship the gods who fill that spot.”
“Um, so that would mean…?”
“You are the leader – or what Izumi sees as his primary or major god. You need to keep that in mind.”
●
With that settled, we resumed eating breakfast.
Sumeragi-kun had already finished half his stir-fried vegetables.
“Izumi? Is this enough for you? I can fix something else if you want.”
“That would be great! And I could use more rice!”
“Douhai-san, will you get him his rice?”
Kido-san got up, leaving me to scoop the rice from the tub.
“Is this enough?” I asked Sumeragi-kun.
“Oh, yeah! Thanks!”
A level up Revelation Board appeared, but did that include any worship for Kido-san? And Kido-san returned a lot faster than I expected.
“You have something ready already?”
“Some tofu. I only cut off a few pieces and heated them on the stove. But…”
Kido-san held a tofu plate out to me. She had three of them in all. But instead of soy sauce, the tofu had some kind of clear sauce on it.
“Enjoy.”
“Thank you,” I said, taking the plate. Sumeragi-kun took a bite of his and began some light headbanging. I decided not to question that and tried mine.
“Wow! I-is this what I think it is!?”
●
It was tofu, but not tofu at the same time.
Sumeragi-kun explained why.
“That’s yakiniku tare sauce, isn’t it!?”
●
“It is,” I replied. “I never had tofu before moving here and, to be honest, I didn’t know how it was meant to be eaten. So at first, I strained it, made it into a paste, added salt, and ate it with a pate. Although the Japanese style is to use it with soy sauce, vinegar miso, or miso soup. But when I looked into it, I found it it is in fact vegetable protein.”
So I had an idea.
“And if it is protein, I thought serving it the same way as meat would work. It was a bit of a leap, but I think fixing it with salt and tare sauce made for a delightful transformation.”
“Yeah, it really does change it! You can taste the sauce a lot more directly and the kind of bitter tofu flavor provides support from the background!”
“Like you said, I think of tofu as going with soy sauce or miso soup, but this works quite well too!”
“We already had vegetables, fish, and eggs for breakfast, so I thought some meat would make a good addition, but I also thought that would be too heavy for the morning.”
“I tend to eat a lot of rice, but I didn’t expect to to go through so much rice with tofu.”
“The truth is that any tare sauce goes with just about anything. Yakiniku tare sauce doesn’t just go well with salted foods – it also works with miso and soy sauce. It even worked well with ginger pork. Steak sauce and radish sauces can be interesting too.”
“So tofu makes a good ‘platform’ for enjoying sauces?”
“Yes. Which is why I think using too much black pepper or doubanjiang is a real waste. But everyone has their own preferences.”
“I think your preferences are great!”
Level up Revelation Boards appeared around Douhai-san, which made me smile.
●
As we ate, I listened to Kido-san.
“The rain outside is unusual, isn’t it?”
“Eh!? Sorry! I’m such a weak god I didn’t notice!”
“Surely you noticed something out of the ordinary without getting into the ether side of things.”
“For example,” began Kido-san. “The water flowing outside is clear.”
Sumeragi-kun sprang to his feet and ran to the window to look outside.
“Wow! It’s true! The water is so pretty! It’s as clear as toilet water!”
<Didn’t you put a Bluelet in your toilet?>
“I would be even more surprised if the floodwater was pure blue.”
“I bought an herbal scented Bluelet, but when I used it, I panicked a bit when green water came out even though it’s called Bluelet. I thought I’d done something horribly wrong.”
“I use Sebon instead because of my hometown.”
“How’s it different?”
“Does it make the water red to show a difference between the products?”
“It is nothing that shocking!”
<For your information, Bluelet was the first Japanese toiletry product and it is made by Kobayashi Pharmaceutical. It originally hung down inside the tank. It went on sale in 1969.>
“So it’s been around for a while, huh?”
<Yes,> replied Balancer. <Earth Pharmaceutical’s Sebon came next. It is placed on the water intake at the top of the tank and it went on sale in 1985. And the reason Kido’s hometown would make her use Sebon is because, while Kobayashi Pharmaceutical and Earth Pharmaceutical are both Osaka companies, Earth Pharmaceutical has its primary factory in Ako on the border between the Hyogo and Okayama Prefectures.>
“Along the border of the Seto Inland Sea, the Osaka region is home to the Egyptians, the area from Hyogo to Okayama and Hiroshima is home to the Greeks and Romans, and the Shimonoseki region is home to a Celtic faction.”
“I see,” said Sumeragi-kun, returning from the window. Then he raised a hand.
“Sorry for getting up in the middle of a meal!”
A level up notice appeared near me, but who was that one for? Either way, his good(?) manners made me happy.
“I noticed something too! This flood is weird, isn’t it!?”
●
I explained.
“Tachikawa – or really the area from the station to the Suna River up north – is elevated, isn’t it? A flood should happen in the lower southern area near the Tama River, making this a safe area. At the worst, the flooding might come a bit above the floor, but even then only in the lower parts around here. But all I see is flooding as far as the eye can see. Isn’t that weird?”
Everyone gave me very serious looks.
“Sumeragi-kun! That was a really logical analysis! I’m proud of you!”
“Balancer!? Did you make some kind of modification to Izumi!?”
<No, I did not! You see what he’s like without me trying to meddle with things, so just imagine how bad he could get if I made a mistake!>
●
“Hellos, this is Kuwajiri. …Senpai-san? What’s this about? Did I recently modify the id- Sumeragi? No, not really. …I would generally prefer not to do that. No, no, you don’t need to apologize. Really, I don’t mind. This just makes it more awkward for me, so- hey, idiot! I can hear you talking from behind her, so shut up! Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean you. Really, I didn’t! Um, anyway, the updates generally start with Kido-senpai’s material, so you should ask her. Bye!”
After answering, Kuwajiri took a look around her room. She had some changes of clothes to bring to the club building which was being used as a shelter. She would also be bringing a PC-9801N that she used as a sub-catalyst terminal for her work. Also…
“32 cases of beer. But with the upperclassmen there, that won’t last even one night.”
She needed to find some more somewhere, but where?
●
“I kind of doubt this is going to help, but have you updated Sumeragi-kun lately, Kido-san?”
“No, not since the last time.”
<Hasn’t this merely confirmed that the idiot remains an idiot?>
I beckoned the screen over and, when they carelessly approached, I grabbed and shook them up and down.
<H-he also remains quite aggressive!>
“So what did happen, Balancer?”
<I am glad to see you have a certain level of trust in the ape’s intellect, or lack thereof. Anyway, it is simple. The memories I gave the ape include past heavy rains and information on Tachikawa’s geography. In other words, this was all thanks to me.>
Balancer back-dashed out of the way, but Kido-san snatched them from behind and shook them up and down.
Then I suddenly noticed a color.
On the TV.
The TV news had been showing nothing but footage of the Tachikawa flood, but now…
“Look at this, everyone! This is footage from the rooftop of our Shibuya studio!”
The color came from the camera there. It was…
“The blue sky! Tokyo remains sunny today! Be careful out in that midsummer heat, folks!”
●
“Eh?” I gasped.
“Tokyo is sunny? But, um, here in Tachikawa…”
“So this is a localized flood?”
Just as we exchanged a glance, the intercom rang and we heard a voice.
“Heyyy! You in there, Kido-chan? I’m in a swimsuit, but I’m completely soaked and I’d love a divine protection to keep the rain off.”
Shifu-san was here to pick us up!
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