MaruMA:DramaCD3:Track11
Track 11: Bonus track Poison Lady Anissina and the Secret Laboratory[edit]
Note: the script was published in THE BEANS 3. Takabayashi Tomo as original author, Takahashi Makio(高橋槇生) as the script writer, illustrations by Matsumoto Temari.
Gwendal: *reading a book in a monotone voice* "Poison Lady Anissina and the Secret Laboratory". Someone had broken into the graveyard. With a spooky cry of "ukiki, ukiki" bone arms kept popping out one after another from the soft soil. It was the kotsuhizoku taking their nutritional supplement.
They love to be buried. But they also love to expose themselves. When some foolish lovers who had wandered out of curiosity to the corners of the graveyard were looked down by a giant woman, they trembled. The man quickly passed out, his eyes rolled back and his tongue was loosely sticking out.
The remaining woman, who was at the edge of her consciousness, mustered up the courage and yelled at the ferocious red haired woman, who was standing before her.
'W-What do you plan to do with us?'
'Fu, fu, fu, fu that goes without saying. Imprudent men and women who have secret lovers meetings in the graveyard, will be punished right there and then. Girl, you will return to your village at dawn and tell people what you have heard and seen here tonight.'
'N-nooo! You're saying that I'll have to make the villagers correctly understand the mysterious nature of kotsuhizokus that nobody wants to know about, right!? I don't want to know! Nobody wants to know something like that! Boo-hoo-hoo, what a cruel person you are! You ogre, nightmare[1], Poison Lady!'
' Fu, fu, fu, that's right! I'm Poison Lady Anissina. If you ever want a poison, you can call me any time.'
Anissina: *clicks recorder* Wait right there, Gwendal. Can't you read the lines of Poison Lady a little bit better? With a voice that doesn't sound like a woman's voice, and on top of that a weak sounding heroine, this would make even crying children yawn.
Gwendal: Ah...Why do I even have to read the lines for women?
Anissina: Isn't it obvious? It is imperative to use a pointless, dignified voice with some moderate shame in it as the secret ingredient of the "MA powered reading device ・Sleep Sleep Child" because there is a strong user demand for it.
Gwendal: Who is demanding something like that....?
Anissina: After the popular MA Powered Reading Device - Series Volume One "Poison Lady and the Patient's Will"[2], the mothers of this world gave this important opinion.
Gwendal: When did something like that....?
Anissina: I've already said this but .... from here on, there will be old people and babies and little girls that you'll have to read.
Gwendal: Little girls!?
Anissina: You love those things, right? Small and cute things? Eh? There's something hanging from your temple. Don't tell me it's sweat? That's strange, even though inside this lab the temperature is perfectly controlled for it to match the fermentation of poisons.
FX:*poisons*
Gwendal: Poisons?... So it matches the needs of poisons, not people?
FX:*bubbly poison*
Anissina: ... Hahaーn
Gwendal: What's going on? Why the happy face?
Anissina: Gwendal.... in that case, you want me to experiment with you?
Gwendal: What?
Anissina: If that's the case, then say it properly Lord von Voltaire. Since you're old enough, there's no reason to be shy about it right?
Gwendal: Who!? Who said I wanted to be experimented on!?
Anissina: Fu, fu, fu, fu. No matter how much you say no, your body is being honest, like "Do me", "Do me", you're even crying tears of happiness.
Gwendal: This is sweat!
Anissina: If you've already made up your mind, let's not waste any more time. Just lay obediently on this experiment... no, I mean, on this new "Ma-powered Gut Washing Device" that helps subjects cooperate.
FX:*Anissina prepping the machine*
Gwendal: I have not made up my mind , I have not!
Anissina: But now that I think about it, oh my, we can't. This machine's suction nozzle needs to be improved. If we use it like this even a bit it will be a bloodbath. *sighs* It can't be helped, huh? Instead of that let's have you join a revolutionary ritual, all right?
Gwendal: No, I'll have to decline.
Anissina: This is something that has been passed on since ancient times in the country where his majesty grew up the "fantastic ・rounded off ・quick delivery ・ useless graffiti ・ infallible ・mortal blow" fortune-telling ritual[3]. And you have now been recruited as that highly praised PARTNER.
Gwendal: Ah... PARTNER?
Anissina: That's right, PARTNER. This ritual is traditionally carried out by more than one person.
Gwendal: And it's not an experiment?
Anissina: That's right. Although I'm sorry it's not what you wanted.
Gwendal: Mmh.. well if we're PARTNERS, well, I may as well keep you compan...
FX:*paper and coins*
Anissina: Then you and I will put our fingers together on this coin.
Gwendal: Listen until people finish their sentences.... Eh? What's this? "yes" and "no" ?
Annisina: According to his majesty, the name of the ritual was... uh... "Kotteri-san"[4] if I recall correctly. I tried to improve it for the use of mazoku. You ask a question, difficult problem, or OBJECTION about this world, to the almighty spirits nearby or maybe that thing that humans call god, and it will violently move the Kotteri, using this paper to give its reply .
Gwendal: Are almighty spirits or gods around here?
Anissina: I think there are. For example.... right. In that dry laundry over there, or inside the leather shoes that you've just taken off.
Gwendal: The gods aren't very pretencious I see...
Anissina: All right Gwendal, hurry up and put your finger here. Ready? I will call the spirit "Kotteri-san, Kotteri-san.... if you're here come! Come here right now!"
Gwendal: Is that okay? This is a spirit with a very high rank, right?
Anissina: Doing this first is essential, so you can be in charge. *gasp* Ahh.... you're here, aren't you? Is it okay? Then, Kotteri-san... please answer this question. Will this year's wheat harvest be good?
FX:*coin moves*
Gwendal: Ohh! The coin is moving on its own!
Anissina: 'Yes'.... good, good. That's a pretty good answer. All right, the next question "Is the poison of the Zuuzuu bird most frequently found in its feces once every three day ? Yes or No!?
FX:*coin moves*
Anissina: *buzzer sound* You're wrong! You haven't studied enough. Think about this more seriously!
Gwendal: The types of questions have changed...
Anissina: Then, the next one. "Kotteri, Kotteri, who is the most feared Poison Lady in this world? Is it Anissina-sama?" Yes or No!?
FX: *coin moves*
Anissina: 'No'? Did you just point to no? You sure have some nerve, Kotteri! What's with this defiant attitude? Do you think you can shake your head to me? Very well then. If that's what you intend to do, I too have an idea.
Gwendal: Hey, hey, wait. Isn't the other party in this ritual a spirit or a god? An all powerful...
FX:*Anissina is loading something*
Gwendal: Anissina, what is that machine!? What are you planning to do!?
FX:*vacuum sounding ma power device*
Anissina: Kotteri! Momma isn't going to allow such a spoiled child in her house! I'm going to suck you into the "Ma-powered Gut Washing Device" ! Look at this! LET'S suck!
Gwendal: Gut Washing ... is it supposed to suck? What in the world is it supposed to....*imagines* No, I don't want to hear about it. But wait! Were you going to try something so scary on me!? I said wait! Wait, Anissina! You're pointing the suction nozzle into the air, what are you trying to suck in?
FX:*something gets sucked in*
Anissina: Yes! I got it!
Gwendal: It's a fishing pole!?
FX:*cow mooing*
Gwendal: Uowo! What's this monster with such an enormous horn!?
Anissina: Finally you have shown your identity.
Gwendal: Wait! Where did this come from!? It wasn't here a second ago !
Anissina: Ghh.... This is not an ordinary spirit. We must have done something wrong with Kotteri, and must have gotten a 'River Horn'[5] that was passing by instead.
FX: *Moo*
Gwendal: Hey... what's a River Horn!? Drool, drool is hanging from its tongue!
Anissina: This is a rare apparition with nine stomachs. It's a formidable individual which after ingesting its food continues to ruminate. But it should have a weak point. I can't leave it like this! I have to hurry up and get the 'River Horn Encyclopedia ' quickly!
Gwendal: If you have something like that hurry up and get it! Look! It started eating the carpet thinking it's grass! It's looking up! On no! It doesn't fit in its mouth! It's blowing air through its nostrils! It's going to charge against us! Anissina, don't you have a sword!? Or a red cloth? There has to be a red cloth around...
Anissina: Please calm down, Gwendal. A sword is not going to work with such a robust apparition. For the time being hold on tight to its horn with both hands so that it doesn't eat things secretly.
Gwendal: Me!?
Anissina: That's right.
Gwendal: You want me to grab it with my bare hands!?
Anissina: Of course! After all those finger aren't only to use with your knitting, or your new hobby of making beads crafts. Furthermore, stop selling secretly the things you make that have your own trademark. With such a BRAND your identity will be known right away.
Gwendal: Why do you know about that? No I mean, this is not the time to say something like that. That huge cow, no I mean apparition, am I supposed to stop it from eating by using only my strength?
Anisisna: Uhu! Do you want some help? Good grief, someone like you is just a lonely seller that doesn't match his body frame at all, huh?
Gwendal: It's not that!
Anissina: Then! Ah.... This is a perfect opportunity for an experiment. Please use this *pours liquid* this is my new invention "Ultra-momentarily muscle enhancer". You drink it and for an instant, the muscles in your body become huge, becoming for an instant an ULTRA SUPER MACHO. Although the side effect is that your skin turns green, no matter how big you get your underwear won't break so even those who don't have a lot of confidence can feel safe.
Gwendal: *clears throat uncomfortably*
Anissina: Look Gwendal, we don't have time for hesitation. So noooow..... become a MACHO! Become a MACHO! What's up with you, hurry up and drink it. Do it quickly now!
Gwendal: Are you planning on making me drink something so dangerous?
Anissina: Well of course. Who else would I try it on?
Gwendal: Why don't you try it on your.... *swallows his words* I can't. I can't say it...
Anissina: In the meantime I'll be looking for a spell that's effective in the "River Horn Encyclopedia" Now, hurry up and drink. Become a SUPER MACHO.
Gwendal: More of a macho than Adalbert?
Anissina: Well, of course. Eh? I had no idea you had that strange inferiority complex.
Gwendal: The hell with it!
FX:*drinks* *clothes start to break*
Gwendal: All right. I'll get the horn....
FX: *starts wearing off*
Gwendal: Hey! The muscles deflated in a second!
Anissina: Well I told you didn't I? It's ultra-momentarily...
Gwendal: But that makes no sense!
FX:*moo*
Gwendal: Damn! The apparition is dashing!
Anissina: There is one! Here it is! An effective spell against the River Horn is.... "Go Cool some Noodles"![6]
Gwendal: Is that so? All right "Go Cool some Noodles"!
FX:*moo*
Gwendal: Come now, "Go Cool some Noodles"!!!
FX:*moo*
Gwendal: Tsk, crap. It has no effect!
Anissina: It seems that the spell is off-season. Well, let's try the next one. "I'll put your Buddha's head in a Sandback"[7] Eh? Oh, this can't be. This isn't the 'River Horn Encyclopedia', but his Majesty's Sayings "100 fits of Anger Jewels".
Gwendal: Eh!?
Anissina: No wonder the wording was so violent. The real one is over here. *turns pages* Oh...
Gwendal: What happened?
Anissina: Oh my, oh my, this is .... oh wow, how should I say it...
Gwendal: So tell me already what happened!?
Anissina: The reason why the River Horn became an apparition, is because of a very sad story that made it shead tears. However it hasn't forgotten the owner it had a long time ago, and if someone speaks to it using the same tone, it will quickly calm down. In other words, someone has to speak like a 'doting farmer' to it.
Gwendal: Speak like.... a doting.... farmer?
Anissina: Isn't that what you're good at? With dogs and cats you go "All right kitty-kitty, here's dinner" or "Let's clean clean that fluffy bottom", so please speak like that to it.
Gwendal: Even if you say that, I can't do that with that huge totally uncute thing. Even I have a limit of tolerance.
Anissina: How can you say something so heartless? Look it's like it's waiting for it... the River Horn. With those eyes that don't match that huge body.
FX:*moo*
Gwendal: Uhhh.... Ughh....
Anissina: Lord von Voltaire... is your love for animals so fragile that it can shatter with something like this?
Gwendal: I understand, it can't be helped. *clears throat* *baby talk* It's okay, it's okay, little apparition, you're a good boy aren't you? What happened?
FX:*moo*
Gwendal: *baby talk* Yes, yes, it's all right now. You don't need to be afraid, because big brother is here with you.
FX:*moo happily*
Anissina: ... What a look Gwendal.... the more I look at this... the more pathetic it is. *sighs* Whew, do you have no self esteem? Even though they're discarded in the garden's pond, could someone make you eat a kotsugyo? Good grief this is why I say that men are stupid. At any rate you were always like that weren't you, Gwendal? I haven't forgotten. When we were still children and we were in Karbelnikoff territory, you and Densham... *fade off*
FX:*Poison Lady BGM*
Gwendal: "That bag of yours won't always be safe Watch out! Poison Lady Anissina is inside that bag! The red hair waved as she spoke harshly, and she turned only her eyes to stare at the owner." *whispers* What is this?
Anissina: Huh? This is popular MA Powered Reading Device - Series Volume Three "Poison Lady and the Repairment of a Bag"[8] trailer of course.
Gwendal: Is it obvious? There's still some more.
Gwendal: *reading* "At night she was the Poison lady that wandered through the graveyard, but at noon she was on Work- Lady Mode. Watch out! The greasy fingers of the male supervisor were touching Poison Lady's hip! Gyaaaa!! the hoarse scream echoed. What happened to the supervisor's body!?" This is the Poison Lady Anissina's Series, that is harder and harder to stop reading. Please look forward to the new novel "Poison Lady Anissina and the Corset of Carnal Desire"! .... Is this... is this really a book for children?
Anissina: What else could it be?
FX:*Anissina fixing something*
Gwendal: Anissina, what have you been doing for a while now?
Anissina: Finished! Well, Gwendal. I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. Sit on this chair and relax your body.
Gwendal: Wait , why are you climbing on my lap? Oh! I can't move!
Anissina: Fu, fu, fu... you're nervous aren't you?
Gwendal: Anissina, what's that device you have in your hand?
Anissina: Don't worry. This is the improved version.
Gwendal: Improved!?
Anissina: There's only a minimum amount of blood that will be spilled according to my calculations. All right, I'm starting!
Gwendal: W-wait! AHHH!! What are you doing! Stop it! Don't take my clothes off!
Anissina: No questions asked!!
FX:*vacuum cleaner*
Anissina:"Ma-powered Gut Washing Device", activate!!!
Gwendal: Oooooohhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh!
| Back to Track10 | Return to MA Series |
- ↑ Akumu instead of akuma, demon.
- ↑ This is a parody of the title for Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone.
- ↑ From fantastic to graffiti is just part of the ending theme of Doraemon, that's just a bunch of idioms made to sound like a pun put together which are difficult to pronounce and have no particular meaning. Infallible mortal blow was an addition by Anissina. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChqbVHqWx7w (0:27-0:32)
- ↑ The name is actually kokkuri-san, Kotteri is a type of ramen.
- ↑ The name is "River Horn" Tsuno Kawa, but the kanji is the same as Kadokawa. (the company that publishes the series)
- ↑ Cold Noodles is a meal eaten during the summer.
- ↑ The phrase is similar to a book about a Buddha's statue's head being stolen.
- ↑ Sounds like the name of the third Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
