Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 03

/3

The somethingth morning since I woke up comes around. My eyes are still wrapped in bandages, so I can't see a thing.

A quiet morning with no one around.

The wavelet-like silence is so dazzling that I lose my sense of self.
--I can hear the chattering of little birds.
--I can feel the warmth of the sunlight.
--The clear air feels my lungs.
--Ah. Compared to that world, this place is so beautiful.

But, there's a self that's not happy with this. Every time I'm wrapped in the morning air that I can only feel by sense, I just think:

--They are this happy.

Humans are loners like this. Being alone is safest, so how come we can't bear being alone?

The past me was complete. Because I was self-sufficient, I didn't need anyone else. But, I'm different now. I'm no longer complete. I'm waiting for a part I lack. I'm just desperately waiting like this.

But just who am I waiting for...?

◇

The lady doctor who called herself a counselor came daily. Before I knew it, I seemed to be treating my talks with her as my only relief from the mundane during the course of the days.

"Hmm, as expected. It's not that SHIKI didn't have control over the body, it's just that he didn't exercise it. You two keep getting more fascinating the more I hear about you."

Still bringing the chair over and sitting there next to the bed, the lady doctor talks as if she's amused by something. For some reason she knows my circumstances very well: the dual personality that only a few even within the Ryougi family know about, my involvement in the serial murder case two years ago. Those are details that normally I would have to keep hiding, but to me, they are inconsequential events anyway.

Before I knew it, I was responding to the counselor's light teasing.

"There's nothing funny about having a dual personality."

"No, no. You know, you two don't have anything as pleasing to look at as dissociative identity disorder. Existing simultaneously, each having their own unique will, and on top of that your actions are coordinated. That sort of complex personality shouldn't be called a "dissociated identity," but rather a "united independent personality"."

"United... independent personality?"

"Yeah. Still, some questions remain. In that case, there was no reason for SHIKI to stay asleep, but according to your story he was always sleeping. That part of it is a little strange."

SHIKI, who was always asleep.

... I'm probably the only one who knows why.

SHIKI, more than Shiki --- liked to dream.

"So, is he still sleeping, that guy?"

I don't reply to the lady doctor's words.

"So that's how it is. He did die. Two years ago during the accident, in your stead.
That's why you have an omission in your memory. Since he's dead, those memories won't be coming back... How Ryougi Shiki was associated with the street serial killer... with this, that knowledge has truly disappeared into the darkness."

"That event. They said that the criminal was never caught."

"Yeah. After your accident, the criminal disappeared as if he were a lie."

I wonder to what extent that is true, the lady doctor said with a laugh.

"However, there was no reason for SHIKI-kun to disappear. If he just stayed asleep, ignoring the world outside, Shiki would have disappeared. For some reason, he must have wished for himself to disappear."

That kind of thing, even if she asks me I don't have any answers.

"I don't know. More importantly, did you bring the scissors?"

"Ah, as expected, I couldn't. You have a history, so any potential weapons are strictly forbidden."

The lady doctor's words are according to my expectations. Whether or not it was due to the daily rehab exercises, my body has recovered to the point where I can move easily by myself. They said that I am the first to have recovered so quickly with just a few minutes of exercise twice a day.

As a celebration of sorts, I asked the lady doctor for a pair of scissors.

"But what are you going to use a pair of scissors for? Planning to do some flower arrangements?"

"As if. I just want to cut my hair."

That's why. Now that I can move my body, my hair that reaches my back has become inconvenient. Hair that bounces around from my neck and flows down to my shoulders is pretty annoying.

"Then you can call a hairdresser. If you find it difficult to talk, should I call one for you?"

"No thanks. Another person touching my hair? I don't even want to think about it."

"That's right. To a woman, her hair is her life. The fact that your hair has grown while you are the same as you were two years ago is a wonderful thing."

I can hear the lady doctor standing up.

"So, shall I give you this instead? It's a stone, carved with a rune; it should do the same thing as a charm. I'll put it over your doorway, so be careful not to lose it to anyone."

It seems that the lady doctor used her chair to place the charm, or whatever it was, over the door.

And just like that, she opens the door.

"Then, that's it from me. Someone else might come starting tomorrow, so stay well."

Talking in a strange roundabout manner, the lady doctor left.

◇

That night, the guest that always came to visit didn't appear. The smoke-like ghost that appears without failure at midnight - for some reason, it didn't enter the room.

The smoke was coming every night and touching me.

I knew that that was dangerous, but I just left it alone. If that ghost got angry at me and tried to kill me, that would be okay too.

No, rather, how comfortable would it be if it had just killed me?

For I, who cannot even feel that I'm alive, there is no reason to keep on living. Instead, it would be easier to just disappear.

In the darkness, I try touching the bandages covering my eyes.

My sight will soon come back. In that case, I will completely ruin my eyes this time around.

I can't see it now, but if I fully recover it will be visible again. If I'm going to see that world again... I don't need anything like these eyes. Even if destroying my eyes means I will be unable to see the world on this side of that divide, it's still better than that.

But until that moment, I will be unable to act.

The Shiki of before would have destroyed her eyes without any hesitation, but the current me is stopping at achieving a temporary darkness.

--- It's so... pitiful.

While I have no will to live, I don't even have any will to die. This emotionless self of mine doesn't feel any attraction towards any action. I can only affirm another's will.

So if that unidentifiable smoke tries to kill me, I have no thoughts of stopping it.

The thought of death holds no attractions for me but I don't feel like resisting it either.

Because... Happiness or sadness, if they are things I could only obtain as Ryougi Shiki...

Then the present me has no reason to live on.

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