Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter02 05

／4

A murder occurred in front of my house. My memory of the night after I went to take a walk is vague. But if you connect the parts that I remember, what I must have done is obvious. SHIKI is the same way too, but I do not deal with blood too well. Just looking at it makes my mind go blank. The flowing blood of this victim was really beautiful. The stone road to my mansion, the space between the stones are like a maze and the red liquid navigating that labyrinth was filled with a beauty I had never encountered before.

But that caused the misfortune. When I regained my senses, someone was throwing up behind me. It was Kokuto Mikiya. I didn't know why he was there and, at that time, I didn't even wonder why he was there. After that, I think... I went back to the mansion, but it seems the crime was found out much later than that and nobody knew I was at the scene of the crime. Then, was what I saw just a dream? There's no way that my honest classmate would not say anything about the killer. But why did it have to be in front of my house?

"SHIKI, is it you?"

I ask aloud, but there's no answer. SHIKI and I are out of sync. That feeling grows stronger every day. Even if I let SHIKI use my body, the one who decides is me, but why is it that my memory is vague when I do so?

... Maybe I just don't realize it, but I might be insane like everyone else of the Ryougi bloodline. SHIKI would say: "If you think you're abnormal, then you're not." For an abnormal person, everyone else seems abnormal, so they would not question themselves. At least that's the way I was. Then that must mean I finally figured out the difference between me and the rest of the world after sixteen years. But who caused that?

"Please excuse me, Ojou-sama."

Akitaka says after knocking on the door.

"What is it?"

Akitaka opens the door with my permission. It's almost bedtime, so he does not enter the room.

"It seems there's someone checking out the mansion."

"I heard from father that he got all the policemen out."

Akitaka nods.

"All the police have been off the property since last night. I think it is someone else tonight."

"Do as you wish. It has nothing to do with me."

"It seems the one outside is your friend from your school."

After hearing that, I immediately get up from my bed. I go to the window facing the mansion's gate and look outside. In the bamboo woods, there is a figure that I wish would hide more cleverly. ... It pisses me off.

"I can get him to go home if you wish."

"You can let it be."

I quickly make my way to the bed and lay down. Akitaka leaves after wishing me goodnight. I cannot sleep even after turning off the lights and closing my eyes. There's nothing to do so I check outside the window again. Wearing a brown coat, Mikiya is shivering in the cold. It seems he's looking at the gate. He has a pot of coffee by his feet. What a great guy.

I have to reject the idea that seeing Mikiya at that place is only a dream. Since he was actually there, he's here right now to check on me. I don't know what his motives are, but I think he's probably out to check who the killer is... Anyway, I get mad and unconsciously bite at my nail.

◇

The day after such this incident, Mikiya was acting normally.

"Shiki, wanna eat lunch together?"

He would say that and go to the rooftop. I feel like I'm being trained using food as I always accept his offer of lunch. I would have decided to ignore him, but I was curious about what he thought of that night. I followed him up to the rooftop thinking he would question me about it, but Mikiya was the same as always.

"Isn't your house too big? I can brag about seeing a servant just by going to see you."

Mikiya has no right to use the word "servant".

"Akitaka is my father's secretary. And we call them caretakers, not servants, Kokuto-kun."

"I see, so you do have people like that at your place."

... That's the only time my house comes up in the conversation. With his personality, I don't think he realizes that we saw him checking out the mansion; but still, he is acting too strangely. He must have seen me covered in blood that night, so why can he still laugh like it never happened? I bring the topic up myself.

"Kokutoh-kun, on the night of February third..."

"Don't talk about that."

He avoids my question just like that.

"What is it, Kokuto?"

... I can't believe it, I'm talking like SHIKI without noticing. Mikiya is a bit startled at being addressed so, while I am obviously still Shiki.

"Tell me, why didn't you tell the police about me?"

"...Because I didn't see anything."

That's a lie. There's no way. At that time, SHIKI went towards him and...

"You just happened to be there, right? At least, that's what I saw, so I decided to believe in you."

That's a lie. Otherwise, why would he be checking on the mansion?

...SHIKI went towards him and...

"Well, to be honest, it's a bit difficult for me to think about it right now. If I can have confidence in myself, I should be able to hear you out; so let's not talk about that for now."

His expression makes me feel like running away.

...SHIKI definitely tried to kill Kokuto Mikiya...

I did not want such a thing. Mikiya said he would believe me. If I could also believe in myself, I wouldn't feel this unknown pain either...

◇

From that day on, I decide to ignore Mikiya completely. About two days into it, he stopped talking to me, but he doesn't stop coming to the mansion to check on me. Under the cold winter sky, he would stay in the bamboo woods until about three in the morning. As a result, I'm no longer able to take my nightly walks. It's been about two weeks since it started. I gaze outside the window, wondering if he really wants to figure out the identity of the killer that badly.

He is really persistent.

It's almost three in the morning, but he just keeps staring at the gate. There's no sign of desperation in his expression - in fact, he seems to be smiling as he leaves.

"......"

I get irritated. I finally understand. He isn't out to find the killer. For him, it's only natural to trust me, and that's why he doesn't suspect me. He's there knowing from the beginning that I would not go out during the night. He's only there to prove my innocence. That's why he smiles happily when the night ends without anything happening, believing that the true killer is really innocent.

"... What a happy guy."

I murmur to myself. Being with Mikiya calms me down. Being with Mikiya makes me think I'm like him. Being with Mikiya makes me think I could go over to their side. But definitely, that bright side of the world is a world I should never be in. A world I cannot exist in, a world without a place for me... He drags me in with his smile...

That's why I am irritated by Mikiya, making me think all that. I have inside me a killer called SHIKI. That boy that lets me know that I am abnormal...

"I am fine by myself. You're getting in my way, Kokuto."

Shiki does not want to go crazy.

SHIKI does not want to be broken.

Everything would have been fine if I had never had the dream of living normally.

◇

March comes and the cold starts to ebb away. I look outside from my classroom. The overlooking view from here makes a person like me feel safe. A view that I cannot reach precludes me from having any semblance of hope. Mikiya comes as usual into the red-washed classroom. SHIKI likes to talk like this... and I don't dislike it either.

"I never thought you'd invite me. Are you going to stop ignoring me?"

"I wanted to talk because it's impossible to continue that."

Mikiya makes a frowning face. I continue, feeling as if SHIKI's personality is being ever more strongly intermixed with my own.

"You said that I am not the killer."

The sunset is so red and vivid that I cannot see his face.

"I'm sorry. I am a killer. Why do you let me go even after seeing that scene?"

Mikiya looks dumbstruck.

"There's nothing to let go, because you never did such a thing."

"Even if I admit it myself?"

Mikiya nods.

"You're the one who told me not to listen to you too seriously. And you're definitely incapable of doing such a thing... ever."

I grow angry at Mikiya for saying something such as this, even though he has no idea of my true situation.

"What do you mean "definitely"?! What about me can you understand?! What about me can you trust?!"

I vent my anger at him. Mikiya makes a troubled face but smiles nevertheless.

"I have no basis for it, but I will continue to believe in you. I like you, so I want to keep on believing in you."

That did it. A pure power... these words erase all else with their purity.

This unassuming phrase to him is happiness for Shiki and the destruction that she could never get away from. I was just shown the world I could never live in by this happy person.

...A world in which you can live with someone else must be a happy world.

...But I do not know such a world.

...But I probably do not know such a world.

If I get to know someone, SHIKI will kill that person because SHIKI's reason for existence is to deny. And since my reason is to affirm, I cannot exist without denial. Since I have never been attracted to anything, I was able to distance myself from this contradiction. Now that I know, the more I wish for it, the more I know this wish is hopeless. That fact really hurts and I detest it. For the first time, I detest Mikiya from the bottom of my heart.

... Mikiya laughs like it's nothing.

Even though I can never be there.

I cannot stand his existence. I know for sure now. Mikiya will bring forth my destruction...

"You're stupid."

I tell him from the bottom of my heart.

"Yeah, I get told that a lot."

I exit the classroom. The sunset blazes red behind me. As I leave, I ask him without turning.

"Are you going to come again tonight?"

"Huh......?"

He sounds surprised. I guess he didn't know I had noticed his "stake-outs". Mikiya tries to shrug it off but I stop him.

"Answer me."

"I don't know what you're talking about, but I'll go if I feel like it."

I leave the classroom. Gray clouds loom across in the red sky. From the look of the dark, heavy clouds...

I think it will rain tonight.

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