Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter01 03
Overlooking View／
---The image is that of an dragonfly. Busily flying.
A butterfly came to follow, but my speed does not go down. The butterfly eventually could not keep up and fell as it was about to go out of my vision.
It falls making an arch.
The falling motion like that of a snake looked like a broken lily.
That image is a really sad one.
Even though we cannot go together, I should have at least stayed by its side a bit longer.
But that is impossible. Because, as I do not have my feet on the ground, I do not even have the freedom to stand and stop.
Since I could hear someone talking, I decide to get up.
... My eyelids are pretty heavy. This is proof that I still need two more hours of sleep.
As I think to myself that I am petty for still trying to wake up in that state, my will has won over my sleepiness.
... Really, I'm troubled at how simple I am.
I think I finished up writing the drawing plan after working on it all night, and went to sleep in Tohko-san's room.
When I raise myself from the sofa, I was indeed in the office. In the summer sunlight, Shiki and Tohko-san seems to be talking about something.
Shiki is leaning on a wall while standing up, and Tohko-san is sitting on a pipe chair crosslegged.
"Morning, Kokutoh"
The look on Tohko-san's face which is more like a glare is the usual. ... Seeing that she has her glasses off, I guess she was talking with Shiki about "those" kinds of things.
On the note of being usual, she is dressed like the usual too.
With her hair short and her neck showing, Tohko-san looks like a secretary. But since her glare looks so scary, I bet she won't ever get that kind of a position.
The black thin pants and the seemingly new white shirt suits her.
"Sorry, I guess I fell asleep."
I try to make up an excuse.
"Don't explain the obvious. I can tell."
Cutting me off like that, she takes her cigarette to her mouth.
"If you're awake, go make something to drink. It should be a good rehabilitation."
".....................?"
She must mean reformation when she says rehabilitation.
I don't know why she would say that to me, but since Tohko-san is always like that, I decide not to question her.
"Do you want anything, Shiki?"
"I'm fine. I'm going to bed soon."
Saying so, Shiki does indeed seem to be lacking sleep.
Maybe she took a walk last night after I left.
<>
Next to the room which is Tohko-san's room and the office is a room like a kitchen.
Maybe it was an lab or something before, but the sink has three faucets in a row. Two of those have metal wires wrapped around it and are not for use. The reason for that is unknown to me. But if you look at it, it will let you know a bit how boxers feel when they are trying to lose weight. But you don't get much thankful because you start feeling violent.
Well. I turn the coffee maker on to make coffee for the two of us. I do so very efficiently. I'm already a master at brewing coffee. But it's not like I'm working here to make tea or coffee...
It's been half a year since I got employed here.
No, the word employ is not right. Because this place is not even a functional workplace.
To come here prepared even for that, is probably because I fell in love with that person's work.
After Shiki stopped time at the age of seventeen, I graduated high school and entered college without a purpose.
It was a promise made with Shiki to enter that college.
Even if Shiki had little hope of recovery, I still wanted to keep that promise.
But nothing was there for me after that. After I became a college student, I just lived through the days.
While I was living aimlessly like that, I went to an exhibit I was invited to, and ended up finding a doll.
It was a doll made so delicate, it seemed to be at the limits of a man's skills. It was like a frozen human, yet I think it showed that it's just something of a human shape which will never move.
But it was just too beautiful...
A human about to start moving any second now. But a doll which does not have any life to begin with. A place where only things with life can reach, yet a place where no human can reach...
I fell in love with that ambivalence.
Probably because everything about its existance was exactly like Shiki back then.
It was unknown where the doll came from.
The pamphlet did not even show of its existance.
When I desperately looked for the source, I found out that it was made by a volunteer and the crafter was one with a strange rumor in that industry.
The crafter, whose name is Aozaki Tohko, is a hermit to put it simply. I guess her true job is doll-making, but it seems she designs buildings too.
She does anything that involves making something, but she never accepts any requests. She always goes to someone and shows them what she will make, and starts making it once she receives the payment up front.
She must be a big time prodigal, or just a big weirdo.
I got more and more curious, and I knew I shouldn't have, but I found out the address of this weirdo (I can declare so with confidence now!)
It was away from the city and it was an ambiguous address not in the residential district or the industrial district.
It wasn't even a house.
It was an abandoned building.
And it's not just a normal abandoned building. It's really abandoned as it's construction was started a few years ago when the economy was good and the construction was stopped halfway when the economy became bad. It's shape as a building is there, but the interior is totally undone as the walls and the floors are completely bare.
It would have been six stories high upon completion, but there's nothing above the fourth floor. Now, it's more efficient to start building from the top floor, but I guess it was still using the old construction method back then. Since the construction was stopped halfway, the half-done fifth floor became like the rooftop.
Even though the building is surrounded by a tall concrete wall, it's easy to get into. It's a miracle some kids didn't make a secret base out of it.
Anyways, I guess Aozaki Tohko bought this abandoned building.
The kitchen-like room I'm in right now is on the fourth floor. The second and the third floor is like Tohko-san's workspace, so we usually talk on the fourth floor.
... let's get back to the topic.
After that, I got to know Tohko-san and I ended up working here quitting the college I just got into.
Unbelievably, I get paid here.
As Tohko-san puts it, there are two types of people with one of two attributes: The one to make and one to search, the one to use and the one to destroy.
She told me frankly that I had no hope as the one to make, but she still hired me. She said that I had the ability as the one to search or whatnot.
"You're slow, Kokutoh"
I hear that from the next room.
Looking, I notice that the coffee maker is already filled with the black liquid.
<>
"I guess the one yesterday makes eight. People should start to notice the similarities by now."
Putting out her cigarette, Tohko-san abruptly says so.
She must be talking about the recently repeating suicides of female high-school students which they jump off of high buildings.
I think so because there's nothing else she would want to talk about, with this summer being one with no issues like water-shortage.
"Huh? Wasn't it six?"
"There were more while you were dozing off. It started in June, and it's averaging about three per month. Maybe there'll be one more within the next three days."
Tohko-san says an ill thing. Taking a look at the calendar, August will come to an end in three days. ... three more days...?
Something about that caught my attention, but it faded away quickly.
"But I heard they are all unrelated. The girls who commited suicide are all supposedly from different schools with no connection to each other. It might be that the police is hiding the fact though."
"You're not trusting people? That's unlike you."
Tohko-san grins.
... With her glasses off, she can be infinitely mean.
"Because no will has been televised. Six, no eight people. If there's that many, at least one should have left behind a will. But if the police has not said anything about it, you'd think they are hiding them."
"I'm saying that's the relation. Or I should say the connection point. Out of the eight, more than half are seen jumping off themselves by several people, but they are unable to find anything wrong with their private life. It's not like they were doing drugs or affliated with a weird religion. It's definitely a suicide where they felt uneasy about themselves and selfishly killed themselves. That's probably why the cops aren't taking a big interest on that point."
"Are you saying that there was no will from the beginning?"
After I say so doubtfully, Tohko-san nods but says she can't be too sure.
But could that be possible?
There's an inconsistancy somewhere. I think as I take the coffee mug and taste the bitterness of the liquid inside.
Why would there be no will? If there is no will, people usually would not kill themselves.
A will is an attachment to the real world. When a person who does not like to die is forced to die, the will is what they leave behind as a reason for their death.
A suicide without a will.
To have no need to write a will means they have nothing to leave this world, and is willing to disappear without any traces. That would be the perfect suicide. I think a perfect suicide would be one without a will and even the death itself will not be found out.
But committing suicide by jumping off a building is not a perfect suicide. To die in a way to catch people's attention seems by itself a will.
Then what?
Maybe it's for a different reason... like someone stole their will? No, then that will not be a suicide.
Then what? There's only one logical answer I can think of.
Like it sounds, maybe those were just accidents.
The girls had no intention of dying from the beginning. Then there would be no reason to write a will. It's like getting involved in an unfortunate accident while going outside for a bit.
Just like what Shiki said last night.
... But I could not come up with a reason they would jump off a building when they were just going out for a bit.
"The suicides will end at eight. There won't be anymore for a while."
Shiki comes into the conversation as if to interrupt my raging thoughts.
Even though Shiki seems to be uninterested in this subject.
"You can tell?"
I had to ask.
Shiki nods while looking far away.
"I went and looked. There was eight that were flying about."
The well-shaped lips let out those words.
"Oh, so there were that many at that building. You knew from the beginning how many there were, Shiki?"
"Yeah, I finished it off but I think those girls will stay there for a while. Even though I don't like that idea. ... Hey Tohko. Do all the people end up that way when they can fly a bit like that?"
"I don't know. You can't say for sure since everyone's different but in the past, of those who have attempted to fly with just human powers, none has succeeded. The word fly and fall are tied together. But the more you're hooked to flying, the more you forget about that fact. As a result, you end up trying to reach the skies even after you die. Not falling to the ground, but as if falling toward the sky."
Shiki frowns at Tohko-san's response.
Shiki's angry... but at what?
"Sorry, but I don't quite follow the conversation."
"Hmm? We're talking about the ghost of the Fujiyoh building. Although I can't say for sure if it's just an image or a real thing unless I take a look at it. I was thinking of going to take a look at it if I had the time, but if Shiki's killed it, there's no way for me to check now."
... I see. As I expected, they were talking about "those" kind of things.
When Shiki and Tohko-san without her glasses talk together, they usually talk about these occult-like things.
"You heard the story that Shiki saw the girl floating at the Fujiyoh building, right? That story had more to it and it seems there's a human-like figure flying around those floating girls. We were talking that since they won't go away from the Fijiyoh building, maybe that place was like a net or something."
I'm troubled at how much weirder and complex the story has become.
As if Tohko-san can tell my confusion, she sums up the whole thing.
"In other words, there's one floating human at the Fujiyoh building and around it are the girls who died of suicide. These girls are probably something like ghosts. That's pretty much it."
I nod.
I understand the story but I guess I'm hearing the story after its over again.
Seeing how Shiki talked, it seems the ghost thing was already taken care of.
It's been two month since I let these two meet. I'm starting to become the one to hear about the results when it comes to these kinds of stories.
As a normal human being different from these two, I'd like to stay away from those stories. But since I would not like to be ignored, I think this neutral stance I'm holding right now is perfect.
I guess people call this good news within a bad news.
<>
".....................?"
Shiki gets more angry and starts to glare at me.
Have I done something to make Shiki mad?
"Huh? But Shiki saw the ghosts there at the beginning of July, right? Then there were only four ghosts back then?"
I say the obvious just to confirm, but Shiki says no.
"Eight. There were eight from the beginning. Like I told you, there won't be anymore after eight. In their case, the order is the opposite."
"Then you're saying you saw eight ghosts from the start? Like that one future-seeing girl?"
"No way. I'm normal. It's just that the air there is abnormal. Let's see... it feels weird like hot water and cold water being right next to each other."
Tohko-san follows-up Shiki's ambiguous words.
"So in other words, the time there is not working properly. It's not like there's only one way for time to pass by. The time it takes for something to rot away is unfairly different for everything. Then it should follow that an individual as human and it's memory take different times to disappear. When someone dies, does that person's memory disappear? It doesn't, right? As long as there are observers (ones to remember), nothing disappears instantly. They just fade away. People's memory... no, rather records, if the observer happened to be the environment around that person, special people like those girls will remain and walk through town as an illusion even after they die. This is part of a phenomenon called ghosts. The only ones who see this illusion are the ones that share the memories with these ghosts, namely their parents and friends. Shiki is an exception though. There are those kinds of "passage of time for records", but at the top of that building, that is really slow. The girls' memories from when they were alive has not caught up to their real state yet. As a result, the memories stay alive. What can be seen there are the actions and the realities of those girls whose time happens to be passing by slowly."
Then, Tohko-san lights another cigarette.
So she is saying that when something goes away, as long as I remember about it, it does not mean it has disappeared, but me remembering about it means it's alive, so if it's alive, it could be seen?
That's just like hallucination. ... No, Tohko-san probably used the word "illusion" because it is defined as something that isn't real.
"I don't care about all that explanations. There's no danger in that. The problem is her. I know I got that thing good, but if there's a main body somewhere else, we'll just end up repeating this over and over again. I'm tired of being Mikiya's bodyguard."
"I feel the same way. I'll take care of Fujoh Kirie. You can just take Kokutoh home. There's about five more hours until he's off work. If you're going to sleep, you can use the floor there."
The place Tohko-san pointed was a place that has not been cleaned for the past year and was like a dirty furnace.
Of course, Shiki ignores her.
"So, what was that anyway?"
Shiki glares at Tohko-san.
The wizard with a cigarette in her mouth thinks to herself and walks over to the window.
From there, she looks outside.
There are no lightings in this room. We only get the light from outside and it's hard to tell if its morning or afternoon in here.
In contrast, the view outside the window is clearly mid-day. You could almost see the blazing-hot white sunlight.
Tohko-san stares at the summer scenary for a while.
"Before, you could classify her as flying."
The smoke she blows out mixes in with the white sunlight.
I stare at her back as she looks outside... she's like a mirage in all this white.
"Kokutoh, what do you think a view from a high place reminds you of?"
This sudden question pulls me back into reality.
I haven't really been at a high place since I went to the Tokyo Tower as a child. I don't really remember what I thought about it then. Only thing is that I tried so hard to find the place I lived, but ended up not being able to find it.
"Maybe small?"
"That's too shrewd of a remark, Kokutou."
A cold response comes back. Well, I was a bit doubtful about my remark myself. I pull myself together and try to think of something else.
"Let's see. There isn't much that it reminds me of, but I do think it's beautiful. A view from a high place is overwhelming."
Probably because this response was more from my heart, Tohko-san nods in agreement.
And still staring outside, Tohko-san continues to talk.
"The scenary you see is magnificent. Even an boring one looks beautiful. But that's not the impulse you feel when you look down onto the world you live in. The overlooking view only gives you one impulse..."
Saying the word "impulse", Tohko-san cuts off her sentence.
Impulse is not something that comes from within you like feelings, but rather something that attacks you from the outside. Even if the one attacked by it doesn't want it.
Something like violence that attacks you without warning, that is what we call impulses.
Then what is the violence that is brought by an overlooking view?
"That is being "far". A vision too big creates a vivid seperation between you and the world. People can only feel safe around things close to them. Even if one has the most detailed map and knows exactly where they are, it's only information, right?
For us, the world is only something we can feel ourselves. The boundaries between cities, countries, and the world, is only something that our brain recognizes and we ourselves cannot feel them unless we actually go to that place. And in reality, there is nothing wrong with that way of recognition.
But if the vision is too large, discrepancy occurs. The 10m area around you that you actually feel and the 10km area that you are looking down on. They are both the world you live in, yet you feel the first one as more real.
See? There's already an inconsistancy. It's more correct for you to recognize the larger world you see as the world you live in rather than the small space around you. But no matter how hard you try, you cannot feel that you are living on this big world.
The reason being, what feels more real is always something that is around you. Your reasoning as your knowledge and your experience as your feeling crashes against each other and eventually, one will lose and confusion will start.
... how small the city is from up here. I can't even imagine my house was down there. Was that park shaped that way? I didn't even know that was there. This is like a town I don't know about. It feels like I've come to a place far away.
... A high perspective brings these kinds of thinkings. Even though the person is still standing on one part of that city they're looking down on..."
A high place is a place far away. That is true distance-wise. But Tohko-san must mean the mental aspect of it.
Two places apart horizontally and vertically. The only difference between the two is if you can or can't look down on the other place.
"So you mean it's not good to keep your vision at a high place?"
"If you go too far. In the ancient times, the sky was considered to be another world. To fly meant going to the other world. You will be drowned in another will if you do not protect yourself with technology (metal). Just like it sounds, you go crazy. Well, if you do have a right protection on your recognition, you won't be affected that much. It won't be a problem if you have a firm place to stand on. You'll be back to normal when you get back on the ground."
... Now that she mentions it, when I was looking down on the school ground from the rooftop once, I suddenly wondered what would happen if I jumped down.
Of course, it was just a joke.
I had no intention of actually doing so, but why did I get that thought when it obviously leads to death?
Tohko-san says there are individual differences, but I think it's common for people to imagine about falling when at high places.
"Does it mean your mind goes crazy just for an instant?"
Tohko-san laughs when I blurt out what I thought.
"Everyone dreams about the taboo, Kokutoh. Humans have the great ability of self-pleasure by imagining things they cannot do. But... yeah, that's pretty close. The important thing is that the thought only comes at a specific place - at that place itself. Well, I guess that's pretty obvious. To speak in your case, I think your mind isn't crazy, but rather numb."
"Tohko, you're talking for too long."
Shiki interrupts as if to say Shiki can't stand it anymore. Come to think of it, we might have strayed off the main topic.
"It's not long at all. If you say in terms of constructing a topic, we're only on the second part."
"I only want to hear the end. I don't want to hear you guys talk."
"Shiki..."
It's mean, but I guess she also has a point.
Shiki continues to complain, ignoring me.
"And, you say there's a problem with views from high places. Then what is a normal view? Even when we're walking, we have a higher view than the ground."
In contrast to Shiki's attitude of trying to find holes, I thought the arguement did have a point.
A person's eyes are certainly at a higher level than the ground. Then that would mean our view is somewhat overlooking the world.
Tohko-san nods at Shiki's words. I guess she's just going to say the conclusion now.
"But the ground you think is flat is actually a bit angled. But even including that, you never call our normal vision to be overlooking something.
A vision is not what your eyes see, but it's an image that your brain comprehends. Our vision is protected by common sense, so we never feel our height to be high, and it's even considered normal. There's no notion that it's high.
But on the other hand, everyone is living with a vision that is overlooking. Not a physical vision, but I mean our mental vision. Everyone is different, but a larger mind will try to go higher. But still, it will never leave its box.
Humans are made to live in a box, and they can only survive in the box. Humans cannot have the views of the Gods.
When you pass that certain line, you become monsters like that. Hypnos (illusion) turns into Thanatos (real death)."
As she says so, Tohko-san herself is overlooking the world.
She is looking down with her feet on the ground, which I thought that was a very important thing. And then, I remembered the dream I was watching.
The butterfly fell at the end.
Maybe she could have flown more gracefully is she had not tried to follow me.
Yes, if she fluttered as if to float, she should have been able to fly longer.
But since the butterfly knew about flying, it could not stand the lightness of its floating body.
That's why it flew, quitting to float.
Thinking that much, I question myself if I was that poetic.
Tohko-san, by the window, throws her cigarette away.
"The flicker at the Fujiyoh building might be the world she was seeing. I can guess that the difference in the air Shiki felt was the boundary between the outside world and the inside of the box. That is a discontinuity that only a human mind can perceive."
With Tohko-san's talk finished, Shiki finally seems to relax.
Shiki lets out a breath and looks around.
"Discontinuity, huh? I wonder which side was the warm side and which side was the cold side for her."
In contrast to the serious tone, Shiki acts like it doesn't matter.
Tohko-san also acts like she doesn't care.
"Of course, the opposite of you."
And answered so.
