How To Eat Life:Chapter 3-2

#3-2_takatomo_miyuki / A Voice That Couldn't Be Heard, Found

"What happened today?" my mom asks me. Previously, it was my dad who asked me every day. It had become a habit since I was very young, even before I could remember. After entering middle school, my response changed to "it was normal."

"Normal?" my mom says, dissatisfied. "Wasn't there something good or something that made you mad?"

If something good did happen, something bad happened as well, but all of it fell under the category of "normal."

That's how I felt every day.

"Then, was today a good day for you, Miyu?" my mom tries to confirm.

It's bothersome, so I reply, "It was a good day."

But when did it start again?

As the words "It was a good day" escape my lips, my chest tightens, and breathing becomes difficult.

I mean, it hadn't been a good day at all.

When did it all start to go wrong?

When I first sensed something was off...

That's right.

"Hey, did you mistakenly take my mechanical pencil?"

When Nagisa said that, I remember thinking, 'Huh?'

Nagisa had been in my class since the first year, and we continued to get along well in the second year too. Just to be sure, I checked my desk drawer and pencil case, but Nagisa's mechanical pencil was nowhere to be found. "Hmm, I really liked that one, though..." Nagisa muttered, and I couldn't help but feel uneasy about her unwillingness to accept it.

After that, things became a bit strained between us.

Nagisa, Shimomaeda Yoriko, Kon Chiami, and I were often together. Well, to be more accurate, we were only together fairly often. I didn't do well in group settings. The feeling of always being with the same fixed group... how should I put it? It sometimes made me feel suffocated. If there was someone outside the group whom I got along with or found interesting, I wanted to have normal conversations with them. And I did that quite often.

After the incident with the mechanical pencil, Nagisa became more tense. It was unlike her. She would be oddly nervous or feel unwell in the mornings and go to the infirmary. Yoriko and Chiami were mostly concerned about Nagisa. I was worried too, but I guess I didn't express it much. Everyone has days when they feel unwell or are in a bad mood. Instead of overanalyzing or imposing my kindness on them, wouldn't it be better to leave them be?

Truth be told, after a while, Nagisa returned to her usual self. She did.

Next, Yoriko started acting on edge.

I had gotten to know Yoriko in the second year, so we weren't close. Apparently, Yoriko and Nagisa had attended the same kindergarten and primary school. Yoriko would jokingly say, "Besties! Maybe we're besties?" But I didn't get along well with Yoriko. It's not that I hated her, but I didn't particularly like her either. It was just... you know? Yoriko would use coarse language, so I was sometimes scared of her.

"Nah, seriously, it's gone. I forgot it again. That's weird, man. Do I forget it this often? Isn't it a bit too much?"

Countless times, I heard her say something like that while rummaging through her desk.

"...I mean, seriously, didn't it get stolen? Someone stole it. I've lost one too. Seriously, not funny. I mean, I lose things a lot though. But for real, this is not a joke. Mama's gonna be mad at me again. What a shock..."

Nagisa and Chiami would laugh and calm Yoriko down, but I didn't feel like getting close. Yoriko was disorganized and forgot things frequently. Saying that someone had stolen it or something like that, even if it was in the heat of the moment, there were things you could and couldn't say. It truly wasn't something to joke about.

I simply thought, "It's kind of strange..."

Yoriko's complexion appeared unhealthy. Her skin was chapped. She would complain about stomachaches and spend a long time in the restroom, sometimes leaving school early.

It was strange... wasn't it?

It was just a feeling, but somehow, I knew. Something was off.

I mean, regardless of what happened, Chiami remained the same as always.

Chiami was cheerful every day. In the mornings, during break time, during lunch break, after school... she would always engage Nagisa and Yoriko in conversation—I would sometimes be present for those moments—she would laugh at anything, frequently send us text messages, and if we didn't respond the next day, she would laugh and say, "Eeeh, why didn't you respond..." She didn't seem angry, but to me, it felt like subtle pressure.

Though... I didn't hate her. I didn't think she was a bad person. It was just a little difficult to be around her. Chiami and Nagisa got along well, so I went with the flow and hung out with them. I was already friends with Nagisa, so if that hadn't been the case, I might not have become friends with Chiami.

I don't think Chiami is a bad person.

No matter if it was Nagisa, Yoriko, or me, if something happened, Chiami was the first to notice. She had a keen eye, or rather, she was kind, I thought.

"Tell me anything" was Chiami's catchphrase. But I felt somewhat uneasy about it. I would tell her if I wanted to tell her anyway. If I didn't say anything, it meant I didn't want to share, so I wanted them to respect that.

Nagisa and Yoriko were also bombarded with Chiami's "Tell me anything"... Weren't they annoyed?

But in the end, the two of them probably really did "tell her anything." Unlike me.

I didn't say a word.

My phone disappeared. It was a hand-me-down from my mom, an old iPhone. When I arrived at school in the morning, I checked my messages and the weather forecast, then put it in my bag. When I tried to find it during lunch break, it was gone. I panicked. It couldn't have vanished. As I searched for it, Chiami asked, "What's wrong?" and I replied, "It's nothing."

"Really?" Chiami didn't seem satisfied with that answer, as if she already knew that my iPhone had gone missing.

Then came Chiami's usual line.

"You can tell me anything."

I couldn't find my iPhone. When I told my mom, she mentioned that the iPhone had a location tracking feature, and we tried to use it to locate the phone. However, maybe the battery was dead, or for some other reason, we couldn't find it.

My mom wanted to contact the school, but I stopped her because I didn't want it to become a big deal.

"You'll be without a smartphone for a while. Are you okay with that?" my mom asked.

I put on a brave face.

"It's not a big deal."

The iPhone was the beginning of it all.

I started losing my belongings every few days.

An eraser, a notebook, then a mechanical pencil.

I didn't tell anyone. Not Nagisa, not Yoriko, and certainly not Chiami.

I had other people I got along with. I would talk with the beautiful and cool Kihomi, the intelligent Kuze would teach me various things, and Rindou Takaya, who had declared that he wanted to become an entertainer, was quite fun. Masamune, who easily got carried away, had developed the wrong idea after we talked a lot in the first year and confessed to me. I rejected him with a bad taste in my mouth, but now when he teased me, I could respond normally. Shiratama-san was in the same class as me in the first year, and just looking at her was a delight for the eyes. She would sometimes come talk to me even when she didn't need anything from me. I had plenty of people to talk to.

But I didn't say anything.

When my pouch disappeared, I panicked quite a bit. That pouch contained items for that time of the month. I would be in trouble if I didn't have it. More than just trouble. What should I do? Borrow from someone? No way. I would have to go to the infirmary.

The second time I lost my pouch, a thought suddenly crossed my mind. Was it the same with Yoriko? After all, Yoriko looked furious. Losing menstrual products was terrible. Should I ask Yoriko? After all this time. Yoriko would definitely "tell anything" to Chiami. It would be bad if she spread the word to Chiami.

I became suspicious. Wasn't it Chiami? Wasn't Chiami the one stealing things? Stealing my belongings and secretly hiding them somewhere.

—For what reason?

I mean, how could she even do it? It wasn't impossible to do it while changing classrooms, I guess. I was being cautious too. I had started keeping my distance from Chiami. Even so, there were many instances where Nagisa, Yoriko, Chiami, and I were together. I kept an eye on Chiami.

Chiami was most likely not the one stealing things. It couldn't have been her doing. Besides, she had no reason to do so. She wasn't a bad person. But despite that, things were still disappearing.

When Masamune asked me, "What's wrong?" I snapped back, "Huh? What?"

It was after that incident. As I walked alone down the school hallway, I heard a voice.

"Isn't it weird?"

Who was it?

I was alone, with no one around. Was my hearing playing tricks on me? Was I imagining things?

"It's weird."

The voice whispered right by my ear. Without thinking, I asked, "Who?"

I wondered if someone was nearby, but there was no one. There was no one near me.

In the distance, someone was laughing. Masamune was in front of the classroom, making the class laugh.

"...Who?"

Who was speaking?

"It's you."

Even when I covered my ears, the voice persisted, saying, "You've gone weird." Whose voice was this? I didn't want to hear it, even though there was no one around, even though I was completely alone.

"Who's saying that? Who? 'You'? Me? Who? What's going on..."

I ran down the hallway. I rushed into the restroom and entered a stall. I even flushed the toilet, although I didn't need to. I couldn't hear it. I shouldn't have been hearing it. I couldn't hear any voice at all. See? I can't hear it. I can't hear anything. At that moment, I couldn't hear a thing.

At that moment...

When I went to change my shoes at the shoebox, there was only one indoor shoe left.

Again? I thought. "Isn't it weird?" the voice said. Was it weird? I thought so too. Maybe I was going crazy. "That's right," the voice said.

"You're weird."

No one was to blame. It was my fault. I was to blame. After all, I was hearing voices that shouldn't have been there. "You're weird," the voice said. This was strange. I was strange. I had become strange. Was I weird? Was I?

I wasn't lying. They truly disappeared. My things were going missing. Who was doing it? Whose doing was it? I didn't know who, but someone was responsible. "Is it because you've gone weird?" the voice asked.

"You're weird," I replied. "Weird." "It's your fault." "My fault?"

Who was saying that?

This voice?

Who?

"The one to blame is—"

It whispered by my ear.

"Me?"

Was this voice mine?

"—Me."

"Is it my fault...?"

I was tired, but I didn't tell anyone. If I let my guard down, Chiami would say, "Tell me anything." There was no way I could tell her, right? I gave half-hearted responses like "Thanks," "Mm," and "Right." It drained me.

I couldn't handle it anymore.

I had reached my limit.

Whenever something bad happened, I would go to a high place. Before I moved, I used to like going to the roof of our apartment building. There was also the roof of the department store near the train station. I enjoyed ferris wheels as well. The large ferris wheel at the amusement park I visited during summer break in elementary school. When I mentioned this at school, Masamune said, "Eeeh, I'm afraid of heights." I didn't understand what there was to be afraid of. I had gone to the roof of the department store alone countless times. I wasn't the least bit scared as I looked through the gaps in the fence. However, I didn't have the courage to climb over the fence. If someone saw me, they would think I was weird. They might try to stop me. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I just wanted to feel better.

It was during class. I didn't hear the voice. It was quiet. The teacher was saying something, but it was quiet. Too quiet. I started feeling uneasy. I checked my desk drawer. During times like these, things would disappear. My fingers brushed against something hard. I closed my hand around it. A key? I took it out of my desk, and indeed, it was a key. The key tag read 'Roof.'

What was this? The key to the roof? Why was something like this in my desk?

The roof. I liked high places. The key. I knew that the door to the roof was locked. I had talked to my friends about wanting to go up there. I had tried to go to the roof before. But the entrance was always locked. The key. The key to the roof was right here.

I stood up. I understood. That wasn't important. I could go. It was telling me to go. I had to go.

"Hm? What's wrong, Takatomo? —Takatomo...?"

The teacher was saying something. But that wasn't important. I could go. It was telling me to go. I had to go.

"Takatomo-san."

Another voice called out to me. I recognized whose voice it was. It was Shiratama-san. She was approaching. I started trembling.

"D-don't come near me!"

As I shouted, many voices closed in on me. Shut up. Stop it. I clutched my head in my hands. The voices wouldn't stop.

"I can't take it anymore...!"

I had to run. I had to get away from here, or I would break. Maybe I had already broken. Maybe I broke a long time ago. I didn't want to believe that I was broken. I ran. In truth, I had been desperately trying to escape for a while now.

I tightly held onto the key to the roof and ran everywhere. When it seemed like someone had spotted me, I took off running. I hid in the restrooms and in storage cabinets under the stairs. I was stalling. I didn't know what to do. In that case, I just had to do it.

And so I did.

I climbed the stairs, inserted the key into the keyhole, and turned it. The door opened, and I finally arrived where I was meant to be. The wind felt good. The fact that it felt good made me happy. I felt like crying.

I walked from one corner of the roof to another, taking deep breaths. There were low walls around the perimeter. I climbed on top of them and stretched.

"What happened today?" I felt like my mom was asking me. I couldn't answer. Then my mother continued, "Was today a good day for you, Miyu?"

"Not at all," I shook my head.

It wasn't a good day. I'm sorry, Mom.

I'm sorry for always lying. I'm sorry for not being a good girl. I also have to apologize to Dad. I want to apologize to Shiratama-san as well. Even though she tried to stop me. I'm sorry.

As I gazed down at the courtyard, there were people there. Otogiri-kun from my class and the janitor, Haizaki-san.

Oh well. I can't take it anymore.

I leaned my body forward.

I wasn't scared. That was a lie. I was actually a little scared. I closed my eyes. And then, there was a loud sound.