Talk:Mushi:Vol1 Ch2

So its still only at 15 % after this long time? --Darklor 06:47, 16 November 2010 (UTC)

The translator seems to have dropped it: was 15% november 2008. The translator, HolyCow is still active on other projects. As the translator is still present elsewhere, should we: change translators status, deregister chapter, both, neither, or something else? --Saganatsu 21:02, 16 November 2010 (UTC)

--Cakemanofdoom 03:25, 17 April 2011 (UCT)

Comments on edits to my translation: Line numbers are the ones shown in the wiki above the edits.

To Brynhilde:

-Line 129/127: A unique event occurred, which was remembered as “The November 15th Incident” from here onwards.

           –The “from here onwards” sounds weird to me. After all, the event hadn’t happened yet at that point, but that phrase implies that people had already started remembering it. 

-Line 139: Secretly, though, Rinne found this cute. She shouldn’t have felt this way, but seeing that the perfect Sakaki can sometimes act strange made her feel a bit relieved.

           --Was there any reason you changed how I described Sakaki? I felt that the word perfect had been used a bit too often, so changing it up would be nice…

-Line 241: Sakaki already told Rinne about her immediate resurrection after her eyes were gouged out. But with this loss of appetite, this — wasn’t this extraordinary!? It showed that she wasn’t human anymore.

           --Hmm… seems to me like there were negative connotations in the original statement. 

-Line 257: At that moment, her face showed her astonishment as if she just saw something incredible.

           --That last part isn’t really necessary, even if it was in the original, and as it is now, IMO it sounds pointless and redundant. I think it would be better to leave it out unless we can find something that sounds decent to put there.

-Line 296: Every high school student in class equipped with a cell phone, the most powerful communication device, immediately passed their message along through calls or texts:

           --I’m not sure if it sounds better in Chinese, but in English, I don’t think anyone specifies education level of students unless they have a reason to or if readers don’t know yet.

“What a happy entertainment!”

           --Entertainment isn’t a word that gets used after “What a”, from what I know. I think “What a happily entertaining event!” sounds slightly more natural, except for the fact that dual adjectives kinda ruins the flow… Maybe “What an interesting turn of events!”? It’s the most accurate translation I can think of that doesn’t sacrifice much fluidity.

-Line 382: Rinne thought that would become a bond between them, a fact she was the only and exclusive person to have kissed Sakaki.

           --Isn’t it redundant to have both “only” and “exclusive”? Actually, that isn’t really a problem. As far as I know the laws of English do not allow people to say “exclusive person to…” 

Extra notes: How long does it take to TL check me, compared to just flat out translating something? With the TL mistakes I see I almost feel like I’d be better off sticking to editing…

To Chaos Greyblood

-Line 119: Yet, this superhuman called Sakaki Guryuu had a problem one wouldn’t expect of a person like him. That problem was his “religion” of “worship-Usagawa-Rinne-above-all-else”; in other words, his ideology concerning “the-world-revolves-around-Usarin-kakka”.

           --Was there any reason to add “called”? Nouns like superhuman can be used as adjectives. Also, “his ideology concerning” implies that you’re talking about the topic of his ideology. It seems like you’re saying Sakaki has an ideology on the subject of “the-world-revolves-around-Usarin-kakka”. But of course, that’s his actual ideology itself, not what his ideology’s about. 

-Line 143: It was thanks to those characteristics that they would be able to find happiness.

           --I think adding the word “characteristics” in there is unnecessary and hampers the flow.

She gets worried sometimes.

           --As far as I can tell, this project is in past tense, so the present-tense “gets” is inappropriate. Also, I’d rather avoid using a bland, generic word like “get” if possible.

She felt it allowed anyone to understand the heaviness of the room’s history, and know more about the people who used to live within its walls.

           --Saying “anyone” implies that anyone and everyone would understand the history. But that implication isn’t in the text. Rinne only feels that the room let people understand its history, but as far as I can tell she doesn’t feel that it’s obvious enough for just anyone to understand it.

-Line 191: In this way, the two calmly passed their time.

           --I feel that the phrase “In this way” shouldn’t be in a text meant to entertain. Though it makes things clear, IMO it’s very formal, and I think we should avoid over-formality.

-Line 213: “Your lack of concern for your personal safety always shocks me, Usarin-kakka! Don’t I always tell you not to talk to her? And that talking to her will get your eyes gouged out?”

           --Isn’t the word personal a bit redundant? Although, now that I think about it, I think it’s best to get rid of “your” instead of “personal” since I already used the same word at the beginning of the sentence.

-Line 221: “Saying something like that’s obviously a joke. I know for sure she’s just scared of being alone. She avoids other people since she doesn’t want to hurt them; I’d know since I used to be like that. I think Guriko actually wants to interact with other people more.”

           --The original sentence: “Something like that’s obviously a joke”; or, without contraction, “Something like that is obviously a joke”. “Something like that” refers to Guriko’s words. So, it means that Guriko’s words are a joke. However, “Saying something like that is obviously a joke” implies that the action “Saying something like that” is the joke, which isn’t accurate since in this case, words would be the joke, not any action.

--Also: is there a reason you moved “more” to the end of the sentence? That change feels pointless to me.

-Line 236: “What...?—”

           --Mmm… that looks pretty weird lol. Maybe without the dash? I put it there since it was in the Chinese version, but “What..?” probably looks better.

-Line 265: She had a mess that passed for wolf-like hair that must have been created by a typhoon

           --I don’t like having “that” twice in this sentence. Perhaps “She had a mess passing for wolf-like hair”?

Her gaze focused on the couple that's sitting across from each other in the center of the classroom

           --Conflicting tenses. Or something. “Her gaze focused on the couple that is” has both past tense (focused) and present (is), unless I’m wrong and “That’s” can mean “that was”. Also, I don’t like using helping verbs unless necessary; it makes me cringe for some reason and I’m not sure if I’m the only one. So perhaps, “Her gaze focused on the couple that sat across from each other” or “Her gaze focused on the couple sitting across from each other”.

-Line 295: Put plainly, she kissed him forcefully,

           --Again, any reason for shifting the adverb to the end? I kinda want readers to know that the kiss was forceful as soon as they know that Guriko kissed Sakaki, which is only possible if I say “forcefully” before even specifying the action as a kiss.

-Line 305: What else is to say now

           --Again, I think we should avoid terms making it blatantly present tense. Although, this whole thing was weird to translate and phrase. I’ll leave the decisions to someone else, although I’d like to request a focus on fluidity over clarity if needed.

-Line 321: They were in front of classroom 1-B on Kannonsakazaki High School.

           --I don’t think you can say classroom #-X. 

the other was once human, but had become some creature that was only similar to a human ever since

           --I feel like using “ever since” obligates you to specify when that “ever since” is active from. IMO my version is better at hiding the fact that we don’t know that.

-Line 383: Rinne thought that would become a bond between them, a fact that meant she was the only and most exclusive person to have kissed Sakaki.

           --Things can’t really be more or less exclusive, so “most exclusive” doesn’t really mean anything.

Line 393: After having resolved so, her mood improved a little.

           --Any reason for adding the helping verb? Those things make me cringe.

At least, it was covered with a plastic tarp that looks like a tent.

           --Past tense

Line 436: The fortune teller wearing a violet robe used an androgynous voice to say in a gloomy manner, “If you stay away and avoid reaching out to touch with your hand, then you will be able to die even more beautifully.”

           --The wordiness sounds so formal… I think it would be better to keep the word count down. Your change doesn’t seem to add anything, anyway.

Line 458: It was a bizarre scene. When she wasn’t paying attention, about ten emotionless and insect-like people had gathered behind her.

           --For some reason, I feel like using “and” here implies some connection between the “emotionless” and “insect-like” used to describe the people, while using a comma implies that both terms separately describe the people.

Line 480: An overwhelming terror and despair were looming above her like a mountain and a giant wave washing over her made Rinne emit a hoarse scream.

           --Again, I don’t like helping verbs. Also, I think Brynhilde meant that the mountain loomed over her, not the terror and despair.

Line 500: Since that’s the case — what is that crime?

           --Don’t know why that sounds weird to me. But I think “my crime” would sound better.

Line 532: From the look on her wolf-like hair that was messier than usual and her slightly dirty sailor uniform, one could infer that she had just woken up from a nap.

           --I don’t think that’s necessary, since messier hair by itself can be used in inferences.

Line 594: “What is it now at this time…”

           --Using both “now” and “at this time” is redundant, isn’t it? They mean the same thing. Also, for the record, I think “What is it now” sounds ruder than anything Rinne would say.

Extra note: If any of what I say makes sense to you, please make the edits. I don’t wanna do it myself, especially when I have SAT, an AP test, and orchestra auditions next month. Plus, even if I do spend time on MtM, I could be translating instead of putting edits in.

Cakemanofdoom 03:25, 17 April 2011 (UCT) (Yes I put my name twice, I put it at the beginning because the whole thing's too long to see the signature that I have to put at the bottom)