Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume3 Chapter2

"Zaj raised his eyes with a face with a sure-fire face. It was likely because he was aware Orba’s forces comprised of a small battalion."

Since your vocabulary is so much better than mine, I'm assuming it was just one of the silly mistakes you've made (since this is a first upload), but just on the off-chance...

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/comprise#Usage_notes

Regarding "comprise", I'm a 21 year old, well-educated university student and I only found out how it was meant to be used a little over a year ago. It's hard not to come off like a dickhead on the internet, but I'm being really sincere here. I really like your word choices for Rakuin no Monshou, and would be unable to replicate the range of your vocabulary. Vanant (talk) 08:46, 14 May 2014 (CDT)

• Looks like a correct observation to me, though likely not one I would have noticed myself. I changed it to "comprised a" in my edit, not that this is the only way to fix it. --Cthaeh (talk) 10:44, 29 June 2014 (CDT)

Suggested revisions

You’ve mentioned in the past you like to review comments once they’re done for the entire chapter, so this can just be me getting a head start on that in the future. --Cthaeh (talk) 10:44, 29 June 2014 (CDT)

One general question: Taulia (this chapter) or Taúlia (terms page)? I wanted to check before changing anything in case you considered that name still under consideration/discussion.

Part 1

the bottom layer consisted of houses standing directly before the cliff for the common class.

• At first I was picturing the elite housing on top of the cliff, and the common housing at the bottom. However, the use of “before the cliff” implies to me that all the housing is up the cliff, and that the common housing is near the cliff edge. If that’s not correct (and my first mental picture was), then I might use “directly below the cliff” or “at the bottom of the cliff.” Otherwise it’s probably good as is.

they were more than willing to take themselves up in arms to protect their body and assets if they found themselves forced into nothing but unfavourable circumstances

• Revision for preference/flow: they were more than willing to take up in arms to protect themselves and their assets if they...

-also minor note, I almost changed “take up in arms” to “take up arms”. However, by googling it, it does appear to be an occasionally used phrase, so I assume it’s just something I was favoring the more common phrasing and left it as is.

, if Zaj suspected the information he wanted was there, he would listen to their long, unending conversations even if it was their first time meeting.

• Suggested revision for preference/flow: If Zaj suspected the information he wanted was present amongst these clients, he would...

However, Zaj Haman, having gone to Garbera to study in his earlier years, where he learned the ins and outs of operating airships, established Birac as a waypoint...

• Suggested revision for preference/flow: However, Zaj Haman, having studied in Garbera in his earlier years and learned the ins and outs of operating airships, established Birac as a waypoint...

and even now, sales of the ether alone could be said to finance the entire country’s economy.

• It seemed like “...alone were said to finance” would fit better?

“As for that Prince Gil,” Zaj inquired a worker in a room on the second floor as he ate a late lunch meal.

• Minor, but I’m not as confident on it: I thought it should be “inquired of a worker”?

Though Zaj held great interest regarding this topic, he was inevitably a merchant. He had no intention of sticking his head too deep into matters of imperial succession,

• I thought “ultimately” would fit better than “inevitably”.

There was a short pause. Gil was, still as ever, examining the pocket watch.

• Might be preference, but “still as ever” didn’t feel like it fit well. If it’s not changing something you think is important, I’d suggest either “Gil was still examining the pocket watch” or “Gil continued to examine the pocket watch.”

Though he knew of the illustrious merchant, Zaj Haman’s name, he of course had no plans of visiting him until just shortly before his departure from Mephius. However, knowing of the ban of trade with the west, Orba thought something was strange.

• In the first sentence, I was a little confused when exactly he decided to visit him? Is “departure from Mephius” referring to leaving Solon, or leaving Birac? Also, it perhaps a matter of style, but “just” and “shortly” are possibly redundant.
• In the second sentence, “however” felt a little strange to me. I think I understand that it’s there to indicate Orba thinking something was strange was what changed Orba’s plans. I’m not sure exactly why, but I feel like “however” might fit better if “thought” was replaced with “realized.”

Orba experienced living in none other than Birac itself. With the following village burned by Oubary’s troops immediately after Apta had fallen, the city he scrambled to arrive at was this Birac.

• I think this is just a minor issue of deleting “following”.

If he was seriously saying this, then he’d be far from the spoken fool unworthy to be a successor. He’d be a seldom seen idiot.

• It sound like he’s saying Gil is not a ‘fool’, he is an ‘idiot’. I would have expected him to be saying he was not an idiot, but it could mean he is implying a different meaning for ‘fool’ and ‘idiot’ (which a later line implies is the case). If that’s the case, then a stylistic choice might be to say “seldom seen true idiot” to help distinguish more between the labels ‘idiot’ and ‘fool’ (assuming it’s consistent with the intended difference).

“How long have you been stealing away the eyes of the Mephian nobles and performing trade with the west?”

• “Stealing away the eyes” sounds like a Japanese phrase that works in English, but perhaps more awkwardly than it does in the original. A possible replacement phrase could be “pulling the wool over the eyes of the Mephian nobles”, or just “deceiving”.

His impression of him as an idiot hadn’t changed. However, if it were the meaning that defined an idiot...

• Just checking, the second sentence is saying Zaj’s definition of an idiot may have changed?

Part 2

Approximately ten kilometres south of Apta was broken by a series of mountains. Back then, it was known as the place where slaves and criminals were forced to work.

• “Back then” implies a reference to a particular point in time, which wasn’t clear to me what it would be from surrounding context. A possible, more generic replacement could be “In the past”.

If the prince is to be keeper of Apta, I’d like you be first subdue the surrounding areas.”

• I think this is just a minor typo of “you be first” to “you to first”. But just checking since tone in speech is more important.

Since that stupid ill-bred cat’s come, the kitchen’s been laid to waste, and readying its gun, it’s even targeted my secret stash...”

• “Readying its gun” is a strange thing to say about a cat. I’d guess it means something like “and going further,”. Though, with a larger leap of imagination for any expression that involves guns, I could see it being something like “and signing its own death warrant”.

“Ships....well, how many would that be?” // Zaj raised his eyes with a sure-fire face. It was likely because he was aware Orba’s forces comprised of a small battalion.

• Not sure what a “sure-fire face” is?

Then have them join(合流) with us.

• Looks like a translation note. Not sure if you’re done with it?

Though it could be said to have been practice, to preserve the feeling of tension, a single bullet had been loaded in.

• Preference edit: Though it would be considered practice,

There’s no point in fearing back-talk of me calling me things like a forward princess.

• “There’s not point in fearing back-talk of me being called things like a forward princess” or “There’s not point in fearing back-talk calling me things like a forward princess.” Also, I can’t speak to it as a translation, but “gossip” is probably more common in such sentences (I assume “back-talk” is used to capture meaning that it is gossip/talk in response to her action).

Furthermore, the rumour that the emperor had been frequently meeting with a messenger from Ende since she’d had also been brought to surface.

• Seems to be missing a word or phrase “since she’d ____”

Isn’t Emperor Guhl merely trying to cleverly set himself up in the relations between Garbera and Ende? // It was only that Vileena’s standing was one half progressed into marriage, and by this deed, that position would grow increasingly insecure.

• “It was only that”, tripped me up a little bit on my first read, and it is probably not absolutely necessary. Re-reading it, I think I got the meaning of it (to say that this is the reason Vileena is concerned about Guhl meeting Ende). So I’ll leave it to you or another pair of eyes to determine whether it is awkward or if anything need be done.

“Now now princess. Is that immodest appearance of yours were to even be seen by the prince, you can’t hope to even begin to awaken a hundred year’s of love.”

• Likely just a typo “Is that” to “If that”. Also, I would delete the “even” in “were to even be seen by”.

In short, it’s that he’s, you know, immature(inexperienced).

• Looks like a translation note. Not sure if you’re done with it. If those are choices and you’re looking for opinions (that are limited by having no knowledge of the original), then I’d have a slight preference for “immature”.