Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter1

*Thanks again. I'm a bit short on time at the moment, so I'll just go over the english revisions to the best I can remember. Don't have enough time to check with the raws and correct some of them, so I'll leave notes for myself to use to fix them at a later date. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 20:14, 11 October 2013 (CDT)

:::*Someone edited the "husband" to "wife". From our discussion here I'm pretty sure "husband" was the intended word, but I do undertand why someone would be confused. I didn't see it earlier, but the current sentence structure with husband makes it should like it's Gil's clothes she is selecting. The fix that comes to my mind is still to insert a word along the lines sway, entrance, influence, or affect. So that the result would be "clothes to sway the (faltering) soon-to-be-husband." I'll let the error from the other editor sit assuming you'll take care of it in the next couple of weeks, but I'll undo it myself eventually if not.

:::*I finally thought of a word! Impotent! "...selecting clothes for the impotent soon-to-be husband." Then again, this still doesn't resolve the problem of "selecting clothes 'for'" in the context. It was more or less a translation adhering to the Japanese style of grammar, which is confusing when read in English. Fixed to "...selecting clothes that would charm the impotent soon-to-be husband."

:::*I think you intended to type "Saddled to their horses"? If you did intend "straddled" then it might be be better as "straddled on" rather than "to", though I do think using "saddled" would be better.

:::*Meh. Damn me and my 5th grade level english. I concede. Saddle is better in this situation.

::*Fixed to [Not even thirty minutes ago back at the palace, the one who proposed they should go on horseback seemed to have been Ineli. "The weather finally turned nice too. Let's take a slight detour," she suggested.]

::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to. I think the sentence already portrays that, but me being the translator, it might still be unclear. Tell me if it still is, and I'll try to find a way to change it, since nothing comes to mind for me atm.

:::*I don't get that meaning from the sentence, but even after having it explained to me, I'm having trouble coming up with a good revision. So since I can't come up with anything, and you think it's fine, it's probably most efficient to let this be unless someone else brings it up, or I get a random flash of compositional inspiration that can represent my perspective.

::::*It could be that 'forced' might come as a bit too excessive of a wording. But that's also how Troa ends up exaggerating it. He isn't actually forced to, since he could just as well not have come, but would have come anyway regardless of where Gil decided to go, and thus was 'forced' into this situation. Of course, I also admit there's still a lot of inferring that has to be done to properly understand this sentence.

::*changed to "....was Troa Hergei. The young boy stuck his head out from under the horse leaving it as something to be pitied." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to Troa doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.

::*I read the context all wrong because of the strange wording. 無難に答える seems to be a way of saying "to affirm, to consolidate, to confirm." Changed to "...battlefield. Orba did nothing more than attest to them. The others in their company repeatedly blurted out..."

::*'Extended' is weird, but 'thrust' doesn't exactly fit the contact. Changed to "The dragon fervently swung its claws out between the bars of the cage."

::*Changed to "wrapped it around her arms"

::*Will be changed as mentioned.

::*should be "had burned down." Guess I thought I typed it but actually didn't.

::*No, you're actually right. I had misinterpreted the contraction ありゃ for あれは, when it was in fact あれば. I also reworded to sentence to better reflect the speech. Changed to "Long as he's alive, I don't give a damn! The gun, slice his whole arm off!"

::*Right, it should be pouring.

::*Yep, it's according to how it was used in the raws. It's unusual, I agree, but not incomprehensible, so I kept it as is. Changed 'suspended' to 'hung'.

::*Will changed to "strapped to his back"

::*This is a mistake on my part. It should be Layla, but it seems I missed one of them.

::*It's better off as a single sentence. "He indeed spoke with a refined demeanour and yet gentle tone, notwithstanding the piercing glint in his eyes."

::*It should mean "As one in the prince's shoes, would the prince have faltered from this or not?" Internal debate over how he should best proceed to act as Gil.

::*Does "....obvious to everyone that even now his paled, terrified of...." still sound weird to you? I'm just placing commas in conjunction to where they are located in the raws for personal reference, but they might be more confusing than necessary at times.

:::*Mmmhh... yes still a little bit. The word "face" got dropped, so you might have meant "...that even now his face paled, terrified of..." What sounds awkward in that is that now "his face" is what's terrified (rather than him). What I didn't like in the original was the fact that a "his face paled" could be a complete sentence by it's own, and that it completely broke up main sentence. This is making a significant change to the sentence structure, and possibly its intended meaning, but an example of what I would think is the best is "but his pale face made it obvious to everyone that, even now, he was terrified of..."

:::*Hmm, I see. Usually I would put something like "his face paled, as he lay terrified" or "as he stood terrified" but neither fits in the context so I omitted it. In this case, splitting it in two sentences would be better than altering the structure. Changed to "Or so Baton said, but even now, his face paled. It was obvious to everyone he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in."

::::*I like your split sentence solution.

::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time. *Fixed and substituted the appropriate nouns.