Question on Sasaki

Beware the talking cat · Wed May 16, 2007 6:07 pm

Who would like to do it?

I am more than willing to do it, but if someone else is already working on it, than I will refrain from doing so.

Zalthers · Post by **Zalthers** » Wed May 16, 2007 6:16 pm

I'm not doing it! (jerk thumb motion) I still got something to do in Future Project Suggestions!

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Wed May 16, 2007 8:24 pm

I'll give it a try. If I come to one I can't do, I'll revert to using a subject name that doesn't reveal the gender.

magus · Post by **magus** » Wed May 16, 2007 8:40 pm

I alredy done it....... but some of them just don't really sound right

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Wed May 16, 2007 9:36 pm

Yeah, I saw that. I corrected a few that you missed, and re-worded a few others. How does it look? If any are still a bit hard to read past without getting stuck on the wording, post them here.

magus · Post by **magus** » Wed May 16, 2007 10:03 pm

Looks pretty good, but those seem's kinda off.....

Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki, slightly shooked head and explained.

I edited this one, but it just sound awkward no matter how i put it.

At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out for half a step with lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, wanting to shake Haruhi's hand it seemed.

Feels sort strange to me, maybe it's just personal prefernce or something.

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Thu May 17, 2007 6:15 am

Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki, slightly shooked head and explained.

How about this then?

Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki's head shook slightly then my former classmate began an explanation.

At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out for half a step with lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, wanting to shake Haruhi's hand it seemed.

At first I was going to write this, but the above felt more correct to me. Something about "seemingly wanting" feels really off.

At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out for half a step with lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, seemingly wanting to shake Haruhi's hand.

magus · Post by **magus** » Thu May 17, 2007 2:54 pm

At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out for half a step with lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, wanting to shake Haruhi's hand it seemed.

I guess this one is ok then.

Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki's head shook slightly then my former classmate began an explanation.

This last bit still seems off.... i'm thinking it would be better if it's like this.

Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki's head shook slightly then my former classmate begins to explain.

or

Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki's head shook slightly and explained.

Still not really sure about it though.

One more thing

Sasaki sure moves quickly. I stared at the back of my old buddy blankly for a while till it disappeared before turning back.

I think using "former classmate" is better than "old buddy", since "old buddy" make Sasaki sound like a guy.

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Thu May 17, 2007 5:17 pm

magus wrote:
Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki's head shook slightly and explained.
...

One more thing
Sasaki sure moves quickly. I stared at the back of my old buddy blankly for a while till it disappeared before turning back.
I think using "former classmate" is better than "old buddy", since "old buddy" make Sasaki sound like a guy.

I tried that which you wrote, but it feels like "Sasaki's head" is explaining instead of the girl herself. So I put in "classmate".

And I was hoping for buddy to sound guyish, now it'll be an even bigger suprise when a reader finds out Sasaki is a girl!

magus · Post by **magus** » Thu May 17, 2007 7:22 pm

Yeah, the head thing is what's being bugging me too.

I guess using the word buddy would suprise the readers better, but it don't really go with the whole gender less theme. You just automatically think of guys when you hear buddy...

Elkin · Post by **Elkin** » Sat May 19, 2007 12:40 am

But if we use the word 'buddy' it may ruin the later revelation that Sasaki wasn't Kyon's girlfriend. Well, it's been hinted at before but only after Koizumi's statement do we properly learn of it.

And perhaps "Sasaki's head shook slightly and an explanation was given"? A little long-winded...

Natsuke · Post by **Natsuke** » Fri May 25, 2007 8:28 am

Pardon my interruption. *coughs*

How about

"Sasaki shook her head and began to give an explanation."

and (since I don't have a rough copy don't hurt me):

"At that moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out for half a step, revealing a smile with lips curled in the shape of a crescent and stretching out a hand, seemingly wanting to shake Haruhi's (hand)."

I used parenthesis on "hand" because I didn't know if it was already understood she wanted to shake her hand, or people would just take it the wrong way, pull a 180 and think "omg what did she want to shake?!?!?"

*bows* I apologize for intruding.

EDIT: I just realized how long ago these posts were... >.>

onizuka-gto · Post by **onizuka-gto** » Fri May 25, 2007 5:21 pm

I think that sound ok.

As for the hand part, if your not sure, its always better to add it in.

while its for native english speakers, its always good to make it clear, (because Native english speakers are worse then foreign students English) so unless it specificially crucial for the plot that it should not be clarified, put it in.

Haiyami · Post by **Haiyami** » Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:50 pm

I thought it was pure genius about not mentioning her gender until koizumi makes the comment lol.

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Sat Jun 02, 2007 2:50 pm

Natsuke wrote:"Sasaki shook her head and began to give an explanation."

Magus and I were trying to avoid letting the reader know Sasaki is a girl, so we can't use "her".