How about:magus wrote:Looks pretty good, but those seem's kinda off.....
I edited this one, but it just sound awkward no matter how i put it.Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki, slightly shooked head and explained.
Feels sort strange to me, maybe it's just personal prefernce or something.At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out for half a step with lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, wanting to shake Haruhi's hand it seemed.
Succinct. Precise. I really like it, if I do say so myself, but someone's already corrected the line with something just as good:Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki, head slightly shaking, explained.
If it ain't broke...Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki gave a slight shake of the head and explained.
And...
The "wanting" is removed, but it's not needed, as the "seemingly" and the "offering" imply both the "wanting" as well as the "it seemed." I've also removed the second "hand," which helps immensely.At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out half a step, lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, seemingly offering it for Haruhi to shake.
And giving the other one a shot...
Just sounds better to me this way.My ex-classmate sure moves quickly. I stared blankly at Sasaki's back for a while until it disappeared, then I turned back.
I've gotten a login, so I'll keep an eye out, and if everyone likes these, I'll change them. I'd only suggest changing the first if someone really doesn't like the way it is currently.