Jumpyshoes wrote:First of all, it's not a job . . . . And I don't care what other people say. If you can do 1 chapter a day, that's some serious dedication.
this is coming for someone who once spammed the entire "recent change" page for the current day with all his/her edits, included with rediculous Edit Summary that mocked all the B-T staff in a bizzare vengence for not being awarded B-T Editorial status immediately within the first two weeks of being here....
Those tiny edits. And 1/2 of them were tests. Yup. And I'm a lazy bum. Absolutely no motivation. He does.
Edit: It wasn't revenge. I was planning to do it anyways. No hard feelings.
Thanks. XD Not what I'm looking for (I need something that can be used for an item on Kawaii Heavens), but the effort is appreciated.
With that said:
Chapter One:
--Changed "Chapter 1" in the title to "Chapter One"
--Reason: Continuity with later chapters.
Chapter Four:
Page 121:
--Split "Getting to see Louise like this every day wasn't all bad, however, it was a persistent wound to his pride." into 2 sentences.
--Reason: It sounds a bit better as two sentences.
--Changed "If ever Saito teased Louise about her breast size," to If Saito ever teased Louise about her breast size,"
--Reason: It sounds much better.
--Capitalized the "d" in "do up the buttons yourself,"
--Reason: Proper English? o.O Unless I'm much mistaken...
--Changed "Dressed in her uniform, consisting of a black cloak, a white blouse, and a grey pleated skirt, Louise then washed her face and brushed her teeth." to "Dressed in her uniform, which consisted of a black cloak, a white blouse, and a grey pleated skirt, Louise then washed her face and brushed her teeth."
--Reason: Flows much better, and the tense fits.
--Added a comma after the "and" in "And of course, Louise didn't wash her face herself.
--Reason: It seems like there should be a pause there.
Page 124:
--Deleted "And concisely."
--Reason: It didn't really seem to fit, and I was having trouble thinking of another way of wording it that would do the job. It sounds a lot better when those two words are gone.
Page 125:
--Changed "The Widespread Blessing of Her Lady Queen" to "The Widespread Blessing of Her Majesty, the Queen"
--Reason: It sounds better.
Page 126:
--Changed "Dressed in simple but fine clothes, he commanded the kitchen with a wave and flourish of his hand." to "Dressed in simple but fine clothes, he commanded the kitchen with a wave and a flourish of his hand."
--Reason: I felt it sounded nicer.
--Added "in one hand" to the end of "At this, Marteau approached the table holding a kitchen knife."
--Reason: Clarity.
Page 129:
--Changed "These events repeat almost routinely:" to "These events repeated almost routinely:"
--Reason: Changed to past tense to fit with everything else.
--Page 130:
--Changed "Saito visits the kitchen, Marteau becomes more attached to Saito, and Siesta's respect for him deepens further." to "Saito visited the kitchen, Marteau became more attached to Saito, and Siesta's respect for him deepened even further."
--Reason: As before, changed to past tense.
--Changed "Then, after breakfast, cleaning, and laundry, he accompanies Louise in class" to "Then, after breakfast, cleaning, and laundry, he accompanied Louise to class."
--Reason: More past tense work... *Blink blink* I'm doing a lot of that here.
Page 137:
--Changed "Only if one's magical skill surpassed that of the mage who cast the spell could it be overcomed." to "Only if one's magical skill surpassed that of the mage who cast the spell could it be overcome."
--Reason: What, it isn't obvious? Look at the last word...
Page 139:
--Changed "Sure, it'd be my pleasure." to ""Sure, it would be my pleasure."
--Reason: It's shortly thereafter the story notes she goes informal.
--Changed "Is anything actually inside the treasury?" to ""Is anything important actually inside the treasury?"
--Reason: Clearly, she knows something's in there, from her comments before. Interest in important artifacts, however...
The changes are recorded under the "History" tab, there's no need to do this each time you edit. Just say that you've edited the chapter if you really want people to check your work or look over the edits.
Ah, I thought you might not know about it and might spare you the trouble. A reward, since you don't want HolyCow's, a violent and graphic picture of Excaliblog...those you you with weak stomaches won't want to look.
--Changed the title to "Chapter Five"
--Reason: Standardization
Page 143:
--Changed the ellipse to a comma
--Reason: More of a "comma"-type pause, methinks.
--Added a comma between "again" and "right" in "It'd be a bother if I snuck into your bed again right?”
--Reason: There would be a pause there.
Page 144:
--Changed "Her salamander, Flame, crawled out, with its burning tail emitting a warm glow." to "Her salamander Flame crawled out, with its burning tail emitting a warm glow.
--Reason: There didn't need to be commas there.
--Changed "said Saito to an insistent Flame, which only pulled harder." to "said Saito to an insistent Flame, who only pulled harder."
--Reason: "Which" doesn't seem like a good term to describe Flame...
Page 145:
--Changed "Kirche’s room remained open." to "Kirche’s door remained open."
--Reason: Her room being open doesn't seem to fit...
Page 146:
--Changed "She wore an attractive underwear" to "She was wearing attractive underwear"
--Reason: Sounds much better the second way...
--Changed "One thing is for sure" to "One thing was for sure"
--Reason: It sounds better.
--Changed "supported only by her sexy bra were her full breasts the size of sweet cantaloupes." to "supported only by her sexy bra, her full breasts were the size of cantaloupes."
--Reason: It needed fixing.
--Changed "Kirche only stared at him, while slowly waving her fiery red hair." to "Kirche merely stared at him while slowly waving her fiery red hair."
--Reason: Sounds better... the usual reason. XD
Page 147:
--Changed "My runic name is ‘subtle heat’ to "My runic name is ‘Ardent’"
--Reason: Continuity with previous chapters
Page 148:
--Changed "Saito’s mind is a mess." to "Saito’s mind was a mess."
--Reason: Tense change; it's better now.
--Changed "My runic name ‘Subtle Heat’ is quite passionate, too." to "My runic name, ‘Ardent’, is quite passionate too."
--Reason: More continuity...
Page 150:
--Changed "Kirche nonchalantly took out her staff from between her breasts" to "Kirche nonchalantly took out her wand from between her breasts"
--Reason: Well, in the anime she uses a wand, so...
Page 151:
--Changed "This Styx guy is going mad, and as he was about to enter the room, Kirche waved her wand again." to "This Styx guy was getting mad, and as he was about to enter the room, Kirche waved her wand again."
--Reason: Sounds so much nicer...
Page 152:
--Changed "Kirche casually ordered her salamander, who was sleeping at the corner." to "Kirche casually ordered her salamander, who was sleeping in the corner."
--Reason: It fits better.
Page 153:
--Changed "At this moment..." to "At that moment..."
--Reason: Past Tense is better.
Page 154:
--Changed "Kirche [raised/lifted her hands above her head]" to "Kirche raised her hands above her head."
--Reason: Looked like it needed to be changed...
--Changed "It seems that letting the whole situation develop into Kirche kissing him has made her extraordinarily angry." to "It seemed that letting the whole situation develop into Kirche kissing him had made Louise extraordinarily angry."
--Reason: Subject fixed, tense fixed...
Page 155:
--Changed "However... because of Louise’s words, Saito thought over." to "However, because of Louise’s words, Saito thought it over."
--Reason: It sounds better this way.
Page 156:
--Changed "Kirche sadly peered at Saito, with her hair spread to her back, and her twinkling eyes seem to painfully tear" to "Kirche sadly peered at Saito, with her hair spread to her back, and her twinkling eyes seemed to painfully tear"
--Changed ''Kirche is one addicting beauty... if a girl like her sticks to me, who cares if you get hit with magic left and right?" to ''Kirche is one addicting beauty... if a girl like her sticks to me, who cares if I get hit with magic left and right?"
--Reason: Minor fix
--Changed "It looked like her voice will get shakier soon." to "It looked like her voice would get shakier soon."
--Reason: Tense fix.
Page 157:
--Changed "It’s quite well made." to "It was quite well made."
--Reason: It's better this way. Get over it. ^^
Page 159:
--Changed "I hate Germanians to the gut.” to "I hate Germanians.”
--Reason: "To the gut" just doesn't seem to fit, and "I hate Germanians' guts." doesn't really sound like Louise.
Page 160:
--Changed "My grand-grand-grandfather’s!" to "“My great-great-grandfather’s!"
--Reason: Proper English and continuity with 2 lines before...
Page 161:
--Deleted "No."
--Reason: It didn't fit.
Page 162:
--Changed "Saito wants to protect himself." to "Saito wanted to protect himself."
--Reason: Tenses...
Page 164:
--Changed "Besides, Guiche’s statues were made of copper." to "Besides, Guiche’s statues were made of bronze."
--Reason: He's "Guiche the Bronze", so...
--Changed "Acadamia" to "Academia"
--Reason: Spelling...
Sorry for the delay. ^^; I had restricted net access...
Chapter Six:
((This one wasn't split into pages, so I have no record for that. Sorry!))
--Changed "Today is the day of nothing." to "Today is the Day of Nothing."
--Reason: As I understand it, "Day of Nothing" is a proper name. Like Sunday. Therefore, capital letters.
--Changed "all the glass was gone, burn marks surrounding the frame." to "all the glass was gone, with burn marks surrounding the frame."
--Reason: Sounds a bit better...
--Changed "Adding that fact with the day of nothing meant they had gone out somewhere." to "Adding that fact with the Day of Nothing meant they had gone out somewhere."
--Reason: Capitalization of a proper name, as before. You know what? If I have to keep making it a proper name, I'll stop recording it here. Twice noted is enough...
--Changed "Under her light blue hair and glasses were her bright blue eyes that sparkled like the ocean." to "Under her light blue hair and glasses were bright blue eyes that sparkled like the ocean."
--Reason: I find it aescetically pleasing to have removed the "her".
--Changed "Tabitha's actually four or five years younger than she looks. She is even a bit shorter than the already short Louise, and her body is quite slim." to "Tabitha was actually four or five years younger than she looked. She was even a bit shorter than the already short Louise, and her body was quite slim.
--Reason: It should be past-tense... now it is. XP
--Changed "Tabitha loves Days of Nothing." to "Tabitha loved Days of Nothing."
--Reason: Same as above... past-tense.
--Changed "They're when she can sink into her favorite worlds. In her eyes, everyone else is an intruder to her own little world, giving a melancholic feel to her." to "They're when she could sink into her favorite worlds. In her eyes, everyone else was an intruder in her own little world, giving a melancholic feel to her."
--Reason: The same as before... ^^;
--Changed "Tabitha is a mage of wind affinity." to "Tabitha was a mage of the wind affinity.
--Reason: I like it better this way!
--Changed "However, one can see that she had an unwelcoming gaze." to "However, one could see that she had an unwelcoming gaze."
--Reason: Part of my massive Proper Tense campaign against this chapter.
--Changed "But Kirche is Tabitha’s friend." to "But Kirche was Tabitha’s friend."
--Reason: Part of my massive Proper Tense campaign against this chapter... part two.
--Changed "Kirche stood up and raised the book really high in the air," to "Kirche stood up and raised the book high in the air,"
--Reason: "Really" makes the sentence weaker. Don't use the word. Really, don't. ((XD))
--Changed "She doesn’t" to "She didn’t"
--Reason: Must I repeat this every time? ^^;
--Changed "Kirche is propelled by her emotions" to "Kirche was propelled by her emotions"
--Reason: ...I'm just going to change the tenses and stop noting it now. It'll go faster this way.
--Added "themselves" to the end of "Kirche was her friend, and she can’t help it if friends had to go to her for problems that they couldn’t take care of"
--Reason: I like it this way. Hah!
--Spliced "Strong and tough wings spread out to the wind, and received its two passengers. Then, a wind dragon flew into the air." into "Strong and tough wings spread out to the wind. Then, a wind dragon flew into the air and received its two passengers."
--Reason: It's structured much better like this.
--Changed "Satisfied that her familiar is doing its job, Tabitha snatched her book from Kirche’s hands, and lean back upon the dragon’s back, and started reading again." into "Satisfied that her familiar was doing its job, Tabitha snatched her book from Kirche’s hands, leaned back against the dragon, and started reading again."
--Reason: This is nicer... <3 I like nice.
--Changed "“Ask her to increase my portion of food.”" to "“I want to ask her to increase my portion of food.”"
--Reason: This fits better.
--Fixed "Unorganized walls and shelves were filled with weapons." to "The walls and shelves were filled with unorganized weapons."
((I'll only be noting major corrections from now on... there's too many small ones to put here. >:( ))
--Changed "What the hell is wrong with today?" to "What the hell is going on today?"
--Reason: The newer version fits nicer.
As well as innumerable small edits. ^^; This post would be so long if I listed them...
Note: Minor edits will no longer be listed. Because it's a pain to mark every time I change the tense and whatnot. Only major restructuring will now be listed.
--Changed "Fouquet bit her teeth in frustration." to "Fouquet bit her lower lip in frustration."
--Reason: How can you bite your own teeth?
--Changed "He was sent to the air by both kicks" to "He was sent to the air by two kicks"
--Reason: It seems to work better, yes?
--Shifted "“No respectable master will desert his familiar like that.” She answered dryly." to "“No respectable master would desert her familiar like that.” She answered dryly."
--Reason: Louise is female... she'd probably use "her".
--Spliced "Sitting on the shoulder with its caped mistress, the golem leaped over the Academy walls, landing with a huge thud, and moved towards the grasslands and beyond." to "With its caped mistress sitting on its shoulder , the golem leaped over the Academy walls, landed with a huge thud, and moved towards the grasslands and beyond."
--Reason: Works so much better this way.
Rednal wrote:--Changed "Fouquet bit her teeth in frustration." to "Fouquet bit her lower lip in frustration."
--Reason: How can you bite your own teeth?
Hmm . . . For this, I don't the she actually bit her lower lip. I think it's more like putting your teeth together out of frustration. Sorry if I can't explain . . .
No hard feelings.
)
