Zero no Tsukaima translation and editing discussion

[veritatis cupitor]

22. 那是远远超出露易丝预想，如同已经越过火龙山脉一般的话语。
That was some words that were leagues out of Louise's expectation, something that have soared past the fire dragon mountain. (No idea why the author used this analogy)

The mountains are mentioned in Volume 1 as Flame's place of origin, and are visited in Volume 18.

By the way, if you want Japanese raws for any of these lines, let me know.

If you know Japanese, it'd be great to have your input too as the Japanese version is obviously the 'original' version. I'm sure Shadowys would like it too.

[Shadowys]

Hmm, I do know about that place, but it does seem quite strange to use the analogy here. Maybe you could provide the original line here?

[Arcorann]

If you know Japanese, it'd be great to have your input too as the Japanese version is obviously the 'original' version. I'm sure Shadowys would like it too.

I don't really know enough Japanese to say anything definitive on the subject. Anything I could offer apart from the Japanese text itself would be heavily reliant on translation tools such as WWWJDIC.

Hmm, I do know about that place, but it does seem quite strange to use the analogy here. Maybe you could provide the original line here?

Volume 12 prologue (page 29), from "Or perhaps, “Don't be afraid?.”" to "No, that couldn't be..."

それとも、『怖がらないで』かしら?
なによなによ。あんた、こんなときなんて言うのよ。いやだ、きっとわたしその言葉、
一生忘れないわ。恥ずかしいし、癪だけど忘れないわ。もうやだ、やん……。
しかし……、才人の口から漏れた言葉は、
「グゥ……」
ルイズの予想を、そびえたつ火竜山脈ほどにも超えたものだった。
今のなに?
寝息?
ま、まさかね……。

[veritatis cupitor]

In the 3rd edit, why would Guiche prod Saito? Is the sentence "Then Captain, please tell everybody about this grand mission." told by Saito? The context isn't very clear.

The 4th edit doesn't answer my question. I'm asking that while the 1st sentence shows Colbert is with them, the sentence following it asks about where Colbert is. Isn't that odd?

[Shadowys]

ルイズの予想を、そびえたつ火竜山脈ほどにも超えたものだった。

So he really does use that metaphor for this o.O ah well

In the 3rd edit, why would Guiche prod Saito? Is the sentence "Then Captain, please tell everybody about this grand mission." told by Saito? The context isn't very clear.

The 4th edit doesn't answer my question. I'm asking that while the 1st sentence shows Colbert is with them, the sentence following it asks about where Colbert is. Isn't that odd?

For the 3rd edit, Guiche was prodding Saito with the next sentence, "Then captain...". So it was said by Guiche. By prod I meant to ask Saito. So basically this part was where Guiche asked Saito to tell everyone about the mission, but Saito was too tired.

For the 4th edit, thanks for noticing. I've missed a word. Colbert is not with them.
So the translation is actually, Leaning against the cabin wall and looking at them from afar were Louise, the person they were supposed to escort, Kirche, who came to the Ostland so she could be with Colbert, and the petite blue-haired girl, Tabitha.

[veritatis cupitor]

For the 3rd edit, Guiche was prodding Saito with the next sentence, "Then captain...". So it was said by Guiche. By prod I meant to ask Saito. So basically this part was where Guiche asked Saito to tell everyone about the mission, but Saito was too tired.

Wasn't Guiche captain and Saito vice-captain? I was expecting Saito or someone else ask Guiche, "Then captain..."
Sorry for the quibbling.

[Shadowys]

LOL I finally got it. Referring to the original : 「那么副队长，你把这宏大的任务说给大家听吧」
It should be vice captain here instead of captain. o.O

[veritatis cupitor]

LOL I finally got it. Referring to the original : 「那么副队长，你把这宏大的任务说给大家听吧」
It should be vice captain here instead of captain. o.O

Following sentences are -
"Eh...erm......eh.... today is a shiny day and the sun blesses us in this starting journey..."
(Is this said by Saito)
"Forget about the greetings and tell us the queen's orders already!"
(Told by Guiche?)
Nervous from Saito's statement, Guiche continued,
(This doesn't set with context. If this sentence is right, 1st sentence must be told by Guiche but that makes him urging Saito to speak useless)
"Well then, I'll speak. Mr. Guiche de Gramont and Mr. Saito Chevalier de Hiraga: Please escort Her Majesty the Princess's court lady, Miss Louise de La Valière, and magic academy student miss Tiffania Westwood to Romalia making use of the empire union force on the double."

"Listen! We are to protect these ladies even at the cost of our lives, understood?!"

Said Guiche in an imperative tone, and the members of the knight corps looking at the sky cried out loud overjoyed.

[Shadowys]

That particular sentence has the original of 基础捅了捅紧张的不知道该说什么的才人的腹部。
Which should be translated as, Guiche poked Saito, who was so nervous that he didn't know what to say, in the stomach.

Next sentence is 啊，那我就说了
Which could be translated as, Well then, (i will speak is rather redundant here)

[veritatis cupitor]

I've removed 'I will speak'. I'm not so sure what the earlier sentence is set to replace. At present the edited text looks like this -

Guiche prodded Saito, who was already tired beyond his limit.
"Then Vice Captain, please tell everybody about this grand mission."
Two nights ago, Reynal had brought a direct order from Her Highness.
"Eh...erm......eh.... today is a shiny day and the sun blesses us in this starting journey..."
"Forget about the greetings and tell us the queen's orders already!"
Nervous from Saito's statement, Guiche continued,
"Well then. Mr. Guiche de Gramont and Mr. Saito Chevalier de Hiraga: Please escort...

So should I replace "Guiche prodded Saito, who was already tired beyond his limit." with what you last posted or should this be replaced "Nervous from Saito's statement, Guiche continued".

[Arcorann]

Volume 13 chapter 3 (pp. 93-94), from start of chapter to the last sentence veritatis culptor mentioned (the furigana of オンデイーヌ was moved for readability):

93
「諸君!これは名誉挽回の好機である!」
『オストラント』号の甲板で、ギーシュが水精霊騎士隊(オンデイーヌ)の面々を前にして、大声で怒鳴っ
た。
十人ほどの少年たちから、うおおおおおおおおお! と叫びがあがる。
「我々は、悲しい事件により誇りと名誉を傷つけられた……。あのままでは、我らの尊厳
は地に落ち、子々孫々まで恥が残ったことであろう……。だが! 神はそんな我々をお見
捨てにはならなかった! 女王陛下は、我々に名誉回復のチャンスをくださったのだ! 」
再び歓声が沸きかえる。
隣で、なんだかぐったりとしている才人を、ギーシュは促した。
「では副隊長、みんなにこの壮大なる任務を話してやってくれ」
それは二日前、ルネによってもたらされた、女王陛下よりの命令書であった。
「えー、こほん。えー、本日はお日柄もよく、栄えある旅立ちを祝福してくださるような
お日様が……」
94
「そんな挨拶はいいよ。早く、陛下からの命令を言ってくれよ」
ギーシュが緊張でトチくるった才人の横腹をつつく。
「あー、では言います。ギーシュ・ド・グラモン殿及び、サイト・シユヴァリエ・ド・ヒ
ラガ殿。女王陛下直属女官ルイズ・ド・ラ・ヴァリエール嬢と魔法学院生徒ティファニ
ア・ウエストウッド嬢を貴下の隊で護衛し、連合皇国首都ロマリアまで、至急連れてこら
れたし」
「いいか! 一命に代えても彼女たちをお守りするんだ! いいな!」
ギーシュが活を入れると、騎士隊の少年たちは感動のあまり、空を見上げてポロポロ泣
き始めた。

"Guiche poked Saito, who was so nervous that he didn't know what to say, in the stomach." corresponds to "ギーシュが緊張でトチくるった才人の横腹をつつく。" which in the current text corresponds to "Nervous from Saito's statement, Guiche continued,". It's possible that つつく (tsutsuku, meaning poke) was confused with つづく (tsuzuku, meaning continue).

[Shadowys]

So should I replace "Guiche prodded Saito, who was already tired beyond his limit." with what you last posted or should this be replaced "Nervous from Saito's statement, Guiche continued".

I think prodded could be changed with urged or egged on, with reference to the original material.

ギーシュが緊張でトチくるった才人の横腹をつつく

Here I think the sentence is seperated into : ギーシュが - 緊張で - トチくるった - 才人の横腹をつつく, where it's translated to "Guiche poked Saito, who was so nervous that he didn't know what to say, in the stomach". 緊張でトチくるった refers to Saito being nervous that he didn't know what to say.

So the full translation :
(I bolded the changes)

Guiche urged Saito, who was already tired beyond his limit.
"Well then, Vice Captain, please tell everybody about this grand mission."
Two nights ago, Reynal had brought a direct order from Her Highness.
"Eh...erm......eh.... today is a shiny day and the sun blesses us in this starting journey..."
"Forget about the formalities and tell us the queen's orders already!"
Guiche poked Saito, who was so nervous that he didn't know what to say, in the stomach.
"Well then. Mr. Guiche de Gramont and Mr. Saito Chevalier de Hiraga: Please escort...

[veritatis cupitor]

Thanks. That really helped.

1 . volume 13 chapter 5 -
In this few thousand years of losing our holy hand, we were at a state of losing confidence

2 . v13 c5 -
How could we, just because they are elves (foreigners), then these things are permitted?

3 . v13 c5 -
Tiffania helplessly answered
"Cousin"
I was expecting something like -
Tiffania helplessly asked,
"Cousin?"

4 . v13 c5 -
Which goes and say, you are my cousin
Also - Your father Duke Montaru(蒙特) (Prince Othomont (奧布蒙特)), not only was he the previous King of Albion, but also the brother of our last Tristain King Henry.
This means Albion royal's family daughter married Montaru?

5 . v13 c5 -
These words because a powerful duet.

6 . v13 c5 -
Other than assembling all void users, what about that side, Gallia?

7 . v13 c5 -
Also, undoubtedly, under the shadows of the Gallian King Joseph and his familiar, they are using powerful elves. For the elves to help this side is relatively impossible.

8 . v13 c5 -
It is exactly because of this I made this meeting here
If the original text allows it, I'd like to change it to -
It is exactly because of this I called this meeting here

9 . v13 c5 -
These lines look like Louise's thoughts. If so it'd better be in italics. From -
Despite there are 3 void bearers in this room, there are only 2 familiars, Saito and Julio.
to -
No matter how, Louise does not agree that their victory is possible.
Also - Remembering the Golomonta some time ago, Louise shuddered.
Seems like Jörmungand is translated as Golomonta.

10. v13 c5 -
Facing enemies with all their power alone.
Is it - Facing all enemies with their power alone.

11 . v13 c5 -
Louise's tome was in pain

[Shadowys]

1. Original : 在失去圣地的这数千年中，我们一直处于自信丧失的状态。
This may be a typo, "During the thousands of years after we've lost the holy land, we've been in a state of low self-confidence."

2.Original : 怎么能，因为对方是精灵（异人），这种事就可以允许吗？
Literal translation is right, but a few words could be added,
That's just wrong. Just because they are elves (foreigners), we can allow it to happen?

3. Original is 蒂法尼亚手足无措的回答道, so it's answered, but not helplessly, I think it should be substituted with,
Tiffania answered, stupefied.

4. I may need the Japanese for this, though I think the translation would be Montreal, and Orthomont.
It is likely that he married into the Albion family, yeah.

5. 这话语有个强大的响应者。
Which could be translated as, These words carried a powerful effect behind them.

6. Original : 聚集虚无是没什么，不过加里亚那边要怎么办？
Which could be translated as, Assembling the void users is nothing, really, but what about the Gallian side?"

7. 而且那背后毫无疑问有加里亚王约瑟夫和使用着强大原住魔法的精灵在。根本想象不到他们会协助这边。
Also, undoubtably there will be the Gallian King Joseph and the elves who wield powerful Ancient Magic waiting in the shadows. To think that they would help this side is impossible.

8.Original : 正是为此才将诸位召集在这里
Yeah, it's much better to change it.

9. This part is a little strange. Yeah it's Louise's thoughts, but it's written in a third person way meant to be a narration, common in Eastern text. I'm not sure if adding more self references would help in changing the tone.

10. 作为拿出全部实力敌人的对手
Which could be translated literally as, Facing the enemies, who would be giving it their all, alone.

11. Tone instead of tome.

[veritatis cupitor]

For the 4th edit, I wanted to improve this sentence -
Which goes and say, you are my cousin

For the name, hopefully Arcorann will help.

For the 9th edit -
Remembering the Golomonta some time ago, Louise shuddered.
Seems like Jörmungand is translated as Golomonta.

Also I'll keep Louise's thought here as narration then.