OLN: Haeres Eve

[ardi_n]

Hello everyone. Sorry, I'm quite new at this so sorry if I'm a bit rude. Anyway, I've been trying to write OLN on my own. But, problem is, I don't know if it is good enough or not. I want a second opinion on it. So, can anyone please give me some?

Here is the summary of the novel :

"In a world similar to ours, there are people called Haeres. They have better strength, reflect, and flexibility than normal people. However, what really distinguished them from normal human is their ability to pull out weapon from another dimension called Arma. Because of their unique skills, people often give them request with equal payment.

Miles Veritas is an Haeres from Heilig City in Isend Country. His Arma is a double-edged green sword named Verdant Sword. One day, he dreamed of a girl without any other color except gray. As he didn’t understand anything about that dream, he decided to ignore it and take on request like he always does. Unknown to him, the request he is about to take is what will drag him into a bigger problem."

And, here is the link to chapter 1: https://fictstory.wordpress.com/2015/03 ... gray-girl/

Sorry, there is only one chapter for now. I want people's opinion before I posted the second one. So, please give me some. All positive responses are appreciated. Thank you very much.

[Galosinshi]

I do not understand the content that you post.

[ardi_n]

Um... which one you don't understand? My post in this forum or in my blog?

If it is the post in this forum, then let me explain it more clearly. I'm only asking for opinion on the novel I wrote, whether it is good or not.

If it is the post in my blog, well, I don't want to make any excuse about it. I'm only a novice writer and I don't know other people's view of it. If you don't understand about it, can you please tell me why? Is it because of the language or the narration or anything? I will try to fix it so it can be read.

[cud-b-better]

Well let's give this a go prepare yourself as I'm quite critical. If you're one to take things to heart or personally then please don't open the spoiler. I write everything with the intention of helping improvement which unfortunately doesn't work with sugar coating. So remember everything is written in best intentions and if it upsets you, I'm sorry.

Spoiler! :

The beginning is nothing really original with dream about unknown girl and mc wanting to know who said girl was. A lot of the dialogue/narration was awkward in the sense that at times despite it being first person the main character occasionally seemed to be talking about himself in third. For example when he was describing some of his features in the mirror. You also seem to like adding unnecessary words which often turned your sentences passive, always try to write active. The other thing with the narration is that it sounds closer to a diary entry (at least to me) of what has already transpired. I know it's standard to write in past tense just something that seemed off. The action scene was a bit long winded, you need to write short, powerful sentences otherwise the reader just doesn't get the thrill of the ride. Then after the fight scene you threw an info dump regarding the haeres, my advice is show and don't tell. No one who reads this is going to remember any of what you said if you cram so much information into a paragraph. Especially when it's right at the start and we're trying to familiarise ourselves with the characters. You could have just left it that he was special in some way and leave it at that, particularly at the beginning. Now moving onto the dialogue I felt a lot of it was almost robotic, they were saying things that normal people wouldn't say and although it wasn't always grammatically wrong it lacks all emotion when you do that. Finally you have the issue of explaining more than you need to for example you put "gray girl in my dream" we just saw the dream so you could have just as easily have put "gray girl". Have some faith that your readers know what you're talking about you don't have to explain everything. Remember increasing the word count without increasing the actual content is a serious no no.

Sorry if I'm coming over a little harsh but these are all my suggestions feel free to ignore them if you wish. Your story idea itself isn't that bad but you need to tweek it a bit for a more comforting read.

In the spoiler are a few minor tweeks that I suggest, I didn't write everything I noticed. Feel free to ignore.

Spoiler! :

It was like [those two] never existed - [they]

"Dream." - ["A dream."]

have [much] female friends - [many]

[All] of them couldn't possibly be that gray girl in my dream. - [None] omit "in my dream" Or if you must keep it change the "it" to "from"

a table filled with [stuffs] beside the bed - [stuff]

pictures of my family and [my] friends. - [omit out]

I have to take [a] request - [add into sentence] or change to "I have a request."

headed out [toward] the city square - [Towards]

They were too scared [with the] three large hoodlums - [of]

The four people involved had different [reaction] when they saw me - [reactions]

the man [in] the left - [on]

three muggers didn't [existed] at all - [exist]

“Just give us everything you have or you will lose your life!” - awkward dialogue.

The only thing he did was [to] look at the knife near his throat with fear. - [omit out]

He looked a bit shocked when he saw my action - He looked shocked at my actions

As for the fruit merchant, he immediately ran to someplace after his life wasn’t threatened any longer. - As for the fruit merchant, he immediately ran once his life was no longer in danger.

“Did you just ask us to give ourselves up?” the other man asked [me] back angrily, - [omit out]

[Those] three muggers pulled out different weapons from their pocket. - [The]

Each of them held a [quite] dangerous weapon - [omit out]

“You’re an Haeres!?” the thug wearing a brass knuckle shocked, seeing my action. - awkward dialogue tag and I'm not sure but I think it would be "a" rather than "an"

The thug with the pipe leapt at me and swung [that metal straight] at my head. - [omit out]

fell on the ground near[by] his friends. - [omit out]

he [got] unconscious. - [fell]

“Although, it means nothing if I [did] this!” - [do]

I said with my sword [still] a few millimeters away from his heart. - [omit out]

The man gazed up at me with wide [eye] and half-opened mouth, - [eyes]

He gulped once before finally [said], “I-I surrender.” - [saying]

The fruit merchant only nodded meekly without [getting out] from his hiding place - [moving]

Haeres was the term used to define people who could pull out [weapon] from other [dimension]. - [weapons] [dimensions]

There were several things that made them [a bit] special, though. - [omit out]

I hope my feedback is helpful, don't be discouraged though. The mistakes you've made I'm guilty of as well. If I thought your story was unredeemable I wouldn't even be writing this feedback. Keep at it. And sorry for my grammar I wrote this all in a hurry.

Cud.

[jpuntuned]

Well let's give this a go prepare yourself as I'm quite critical. If you're one to take things to heart or personally then please don't open the spoiler. I write everything with the intention of helping improvement which unfortunately doesn't work with sugar coating. So remember everything is written in best intentions and if it upsets you, I'm sorry.

Spoiler! :

The beginning is nothing really original with dream about unknown girl and mc wanting to know who said girl was. A lot of the dialogue/narration was awkward in the sense that at times despite it being first person the main character occasionally seemed to be talking about himself in third. For example when he was describing some of his features in the mirror. You also seem to like adding unnecessary words which often turned your sentences passive, always try to write active. The other thing with the narration is that it sounds closer to a diary entry (at least to me) of what has already transpired. I know it's standard to write in past tense just something that seemed off. The action scene was a bit long winded, you need to write short, powerful sentences otherwise the reader just doesn't get the thrill of the ride. Then after the fight scene you threw an info dump regarding the haeres, my advice is show and don't tell. No one who reads this is going to remember any of what you said if you cram so much information into a paragraph. Especially when it's right at the start and we're trying to familiarise ourselves with the characters. You could have just left it that he was special in some way and leave it at that, particularly at the beginning. Now moving onto the dialogue I felt a lot of it was almost robotic, they were saying things that normal people wouldn't say and although it wasn't always grammatically wrong it lacks all emotion when you do that. Finally you have the issue of explaining more than you need to for example you put "gray girl in my dream" we just saw the dream so you could have just as easily have put "gray girl". Have some faith that your readers know what you're talking about you don't have to explain everything. Remember increasing the word count without increasing the actual content is a serious no no.

Sorry if I'm coming over a little harsh but these are all my suggestions feel free to ignore them if you wish. Your story idea itself isn't that bad but you need to tweek it a bit for a more comforting read.

In the spoiler are a few minor tweeks that I suggest, I didn't write everything I noticed. Feel free to ignore.

Spoiler! :

It was like [those two] never existed - [they]

"Dream." - ["A dream."]

have [much] female friends - [many]

[All] of them couldn't possibly be that gray girl in my dream. - [None] omit "in my dream" Or if you must keep it change the "it" to "from"

a table filled with [stuffs] beside the bed - [stuff]

pictures of my family and [my] friends. - [omit out]

I have to take [a] request - [add into sentence] or change to "I have a request."

headed out [toward] the city square - [Towards]

They were too scared [with the] three large hoodlums - [of]

The four people involved had different [reaction] when they saw me - [reactions]

the man [in] the left - [on]

three muggers didn't [existed] at all - [exist]

“Just give us everything you have or you will lose your life!” - awkward dialogue.

The only thing he did was [to] look at the knife near his throat with fear. - [omit out]

He looked a bit shocked when he saw my action - He looked shocked at my actions

As for the fruit merchant, he immediately ran to someplace after his life wasn’t threatened any longer. - As for the fruit merchant, he immediately ran once his life was no longer in danger.

“Did you just ask us to give ourselves up?” the other man asked [me] back angrily, - [omit out]

[Those] three muggers pulled out different weapons from their pocket. - [The]

Each of them held a [quite] dangerous weapon - [omit out]

“You’re an Haeres!?” the thug wearing a brass knuckle shocked, seeing my action. - awkward dialogue tag and I'm not sure but I think it would be "a" rather than "an"

The thug with the pipe leapt at me and swung [that metal straight] at my head. - [omit out]

fell on the ground near[by] his friends. - [omit out]

he [got] unconscious. - [fell]

“Although, it means nothing if I [did] this!” - [do]

I said with my sword [still] a few millimeters away from his heart. - [omit out]

The man gazed up at me with wide [eye] and half-opened mouth, - [eyes]

He gulped once before finally [said], “I-I surrender.” - [saying]

The fruit merchant only nodded meekly without [getting out] from his hiding place - [moving]

Haeres was the term used to define people who could pull out [weapon] from other [dimension]. - [weapons] [dimensions]

There were several things that made them [a bit] special, though. - [omit out]

I hope my feedback is helpful, don't be discouraged though. The mistakes you've made I'm guilty of as well. If I thought your story was unredeemable I wouldn't even be writing this feedback. Keep at it. And sorry for my grammar I wrote this all in a hurry.

Cud.

I like how critical your critique is, care to do mine too? I'm trying to improve on my style.

[jpuntuned]

Well let's give this a go prepare yourself as I'm quite critical. If you're one to take things to heart or personally then please don't open the spoiler. I write everything with the intention of helping improvement which unfortunately doesn't work with sugar coating. So remember everything is written in best intentions and if it upsets you, I'm sorry.

Spoiler! :

The beginning is nothing really original with dream about unknown girl and mc wanting to know who said girl was. A lot of the dialogue/narration was awkward in the sense that at times despite it being first person the main character occasionally seemed to be talking about himself in third. For example when he was describing some of his features in the mirror. You also seem to like adding unnecessary words which often turned your sentences passive, always try to write active. The other thing with the narration is that it sounds closer to a diary entry (at least to me) of what has already transpired. I know it's standard to write in past tense just something that seemed off. The action scene was a bit long winded, you need to write short, powerful sentences otherwise the reader just doesn't get the thrill of the ride. Then after the fight scene you threw an info dump regarding the haeres, my advice is show and don't tell. No one who reads this is going to remember any of what you said if you cram so much information into a paragraph. Especially when it's right at the start and we're trying to familiarise ourselves with the characters. You could have just left it that he was special in some way and leave it at that, particularly at the beginning. Now moving onto the dialogue I felt a lot of it was almost robotic, they were saying things that normal people wouldn't say and although it wasn't always grammatically wrong it lacks all emotion when you do that. Finally you have the issue of explaining more than you need to for example you put "gray girl in my dream" we just saw the dream so you could have just as easily have put "gray girl". Have some faith that your readers know what you're talking about you don't have to explain everything. Remember increasing the word count without increasing the actual content is a serious no no.

Sorry if I'm coming over a little harsh but these are all my suggestions feel free to ignore them if you wish. Your story idea itself isn't that bad but you need to tweek it a bit for a more comforting read.

In the spoiler are a few minor tweeks that I suggest, I didn't write everything I noticed. Feel free to ignore.

Spoiler! :

It was like [those two] never existed - [they]

"Dream." - ["A dream."]

have [much] female friends - [many]

[All] of them couldn't possibly be that gray girl in my dream. - [None] omit "in my dream" Or if you must keep it change the "it" to "from"

a table filled with [stuffs] beside the bed - [stuff]

pictures of my family and [my] friends. - [omit out]

I have to take [a] request - [add into sentence] or change to "I have a request."

headed out [toward] the city square - [Towards]

They were too scared [with the] three large hoodlums - [of]

The four people involved had different [reaction] when they saw me - [reactions]

the man [in] the left - [on]

three muggers didn't [existed] at all - [exist]

“Just give us everything you have or you will lose your life!” - awkward dialogue.

The only thing he did was [to] look at the knife near his throat with fear. - [omit out]

He looked a bit shocked when he saw my action - He looked shocked at my actions

As for the fruit merchant, he immediately ran to someplace after his life wasn’t threatened any longer. - As for the fruit merchant, he immediately ran once his life was no longer in danger.

“Did you just ask us to give ourselves up?” the other man asked [me] back angrily, - [omit out]

[Those] three muggers pulled out different weapons from their pocket. - [The]

Each of them held a [quite] dangerous weapon - [omit out]

“You’re an Haeres!?” the thug wearing a brass knuckle shocked, seeing my action. - awkward dialogue tag and I'm not sure but I think it would be "a" rather than "an"

The thug with the pipe leapt at me and swung [that metal straight] at my head. - [omit out]

fell on the ground near[by] his friends. - [omit out]

he [got] unconscious. - [fell]

“Although, it means nothing if I [did] this!” - [do]

I said with my sword [still] a few millimeters away from his heart. - [omit out]

The man gazed up at me with wide [eye] and half-opened mouth, - [eyes]

He gulped once before finally [said], “I-I surrender.” - [saying]

The fruit merchant only nodded meekly without [getting out] from his hiding place - [moving]

Haeres was the term used to define people who could pull out [weapon] from other [dimension]. - [weapons] [dimensions]

There were several things that made them [a bit] special, though. - [omit out]

I hope my feedback is helpful, don't be discouraged though. The mistakes you've made I'm guilty of as well. If I thought your story was unredeemable I wouldn't even be writing this feedback. Keep at it. And sorry for my grammar I wrote this all in a hurry.

Cud.

I like how critical your critique is, care to do mine too? I'm trying to improve on my style.

[ardi_n]

That's exactly what I wanted. Thank you for the feedback. I'll try to improvise it.