A humble Proposal .// A stray Query

[Aorii]

Quite an exceptional writing style, and I do agree that it seems rather too formal, definitely one better suited for the older styled epics --- I certainly don't usually see this style in more modern writing, but as said, that can go under personal preferences.

I do find myself having significant trouble trying to piece together the overall picture. The immediate environment is described at start, and the descriptions fall in one small piece at a time after that, but I can never seem to paint an overall picture of just what the overall scenery is like, what the MC sees in whole, such and such. It feels like I'm restricted through a rather tight viewing glass, with the rest of the world covered by some hazy fog. Again, this is probably a matter of style and preferences, but just a thought o/

One more thing I'd like to drop is to be careful with the use of capitalization in here. Give that in fantasy, the realm between description terminology and special terminology blurs (this is especially true when adapting more formal styles), and every time a term is capitalized I'm trying to figure out if this is the generic type or something unique to the setting. For example...

Built on the highest Rampart of the Crimson Spires

It seems to be implying one of multiple ramparts, with only its quality being the highest. So unless 'The Rampart' is a unique name rather than just referring to the 'Skybreaker Rampart' that was just spoken of, it's probably best left not capitalized. It's probably a nitpick, but it left me wondering for a while what specialty 'Rampart' conferred them to, whether to just imagine it as the standard watchtower for now or bestow upon it a more creative outline.

The same thing happened when I read to 'Dominance' at...

Most Runesingers do not take apprentices, even after having achieved Dominance in their fields of study.

Wondering if that's terminology for a special level of mastery.

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Visi]

I have a confession to make: I read your request nearly a week ago, but couldn't stand your work. I thought it was quite drab.

My sole complaint is the lack of a hook. Every story must capture the reader's attention as soon as possible lest the reader grows bored. You introduced yourself as a "worldcrafter" and I respect that (since pursuing any passion requires great devotion); however, I found the setting dull. I lost all of my interest very quickly. Nothing motivates the reader to keep reading.

As a piece "crafted mainly for the sake of history," however, it was quite pleasant.

Your characters have complex personalities.

Your world seems to have actual history and culture. I think this is your strongest point as of now.

I'm not an expert with constructing prose, but I think your narration is colorful. Your descriptions flowed quite nicely.

I'm eager to see your real story. I hope this helps!

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Aorii]

Can't comment much on the third epilogue, but I do agree with Visi. You did say you're posting 'excerpts' so I wasn't expecting any particular plot hooks, but yeah, it's boring --- I thought it was just me since I'm not a fan of traditional high fantasy (imo, setting design in this genre has been beaten to death and I rarely ever see anything new or interesting from it, and so far your excerpts haven't proven otherwise).

My only other comment is the sheer quantity of specific terminology that's flowing in.

This may simply be a matter of style in terms of worldbuilding, but I'm of the opinion that special terminology should be sparingly used, limited as much as possible. Whenever common terminology can be used to full effect, they should be. At this point in the third prologue, the writing is almost jarring for me to read because of the termspam (or is it just excessive use of capitalization?), and from experience it doesn't get any better even when you explain the terms because the readers *will* forget (Crest of the Stars/Seikai no Monshou drove me nuts with this one).

Worldbuilding is a fun passion, but there's the tendency for worldbuilders to overdo it. I've learned this the hard way myself. But for example, despite his fame, JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings is notorious for this to the point that even the geekest of my friends often claim: 'don't bother reading it, not worth the time'. So yeah, careful with that one.

I'm also a believer that there's no purpose to establishing culture/setting before dropping enough plot to pull people in (my works in the other thread posted in this forum is my indication of this), so yeah, in that way of thinking my admission would be: prologue 3 was quite boring for me.

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Visi]

Hmm... I'm actually not sure what response you seek, Shirley.

My feedback: narration during the first scene is descriptive but chunky in this particular part because of the letter. I think it's fine. The mood in the party(?) is just satisfactory because of the switching between Kitteria's awkwardness and the party itself. The brief interaction between Kitteria and her fellow apprentices are passable introductions to the latter characters. The action(?) scene needs improvement; the narration is too slow. The rest of the part leaves a vague impression that something important had happened, but doesn't tell much of what had happened. I can't say much since I'm not sure if it was intentional.

My suggestion: adjust your narrative. Your current style seems to work for the "slow" parts, but lags behind in the "fast" parts.

Overall, the parts of the prologue are too individualized. Part I connects with part II, but neither of them transitions into part III. In fact, part III feels like a chapter 1 or the "true prologue."

And about other sources: while it saddens me to say this, baka-tsuki has a low response rate when it comes to user-written stories. Most visitors are here for the actual translation of light novels and the occasional discussion/question/nagging. Even Ryuno, the author of the only OEL on baka-tsuki, has a small feedback group here. The best response you will get is probably from the ones who had already commented on your material. I think baka-tsuki is an okay host for original work, but the worst for editing or feedback (Sorry~!). Ryuno's editor/publisher may be your best source of feedback.

EDIT: Happy birthday.

[Aorii]

and compared to most of the other threads, you got quite the response already! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat jealous. So take pride in your work :3