Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

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dragoon119
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Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by dragoon119 »

So, um I am new here to the forums but have read many of Baka-Tsuki's Light novel translations. After reading one of my friends short stories I began writing my own Light novels as a hobby. I want to post a light novel that I have been thinking about for a while to see if my writing style needs correcting or revision. My usually light novels are in third person but this is the first time I am writing in First. Also if you know of any other sites that host light novels could you tell me as well.

Entrapment Book 1:
Prolouge- Let's Start at the Beginning
Spoiler! :
:Prolouge

Click,
Click,
Bang!!

The sound of cold Iron banging against iron woke me from my party and beer induced dreams

I open my eyes sleepily seeing nothing but darkness. Where ever I am, it is dark, with nearly zero visibility. The air is lukewarm, just warm enough for a T-shirt to suffice.

I have long dark hair but it stops just above my eyes so my hair can’t be blocking my vision.

I seem to be sitting upward in a hard chair of some kind

"Where am I?"

I yawned

And I lift my right hand up to wipe the tear from my eye; but there something is keeping my arm strapped down. My drowsiness evaporates away and senses jump into action as I try to lift my right arm from whatever was keeping it tied down to the chair arm. No matter how I tug it won’t come up, I can feel a type of smooth, metallic rope wrapped from the tip of my wrists to the middle of my arm. I turn my head to my left and try to move my left arm but it too is held down with restraints of some kind.

'My legs'

I try kicking my legs but they are bound together with some kind of rough coarse rope. And tied to the legs of the chair I am sitting in.

"W-What the hell is going on?"

"Hello!!"

"Can anybody hear me?"

“Sakura!!”

“Toro!!”

"Hey, anyone!!"

There’s no answer, just the quiet confinement of the darkness to keep me company.

"Shit,"

I struggle and struggle with the restraints tieing my arms and legs to no avail, continuing to trash and trash but nothing good comes of it.

I try for what seems like hours until finally out of energy, I give up.

"You will answer our questions and nothing else Do you understand?" comes a deep voice from the darkness ahead of me.

"Who are you? Where’s Sakura and Toro!"

"That doesn't matter, what matters is what you did, who you met, and what you did with the Typhoon Program system." said the deep voice

"What I did what? I don't know what you’re talking about. You got the wrong guy or something. My name is Akito Takeshiro. I'm just an average high school student."

“Wrong! your name is Rodger Moore.” said the deep voice,

“Where were you born?” This time it sounded more authoritive and angry.

“Kaminoyama City in Yamagata Prefecture January 13, 1992”

“Wrong! you were born in Wessington Springs,South Dakota, August 23, 1991!” Said the voice

“Do you remember what you did with the system?” asked the voice.

“I didn’t do anything, what the hell do you know about me.”

“Do you remember what you did with the system?” asked the voice again.

“Kiss my poking ass, Where is Sakura, Where’s Toro?”

“It. Doesn’t. Matter. Do you remember what you did?” Asked the voice in a strained matter

“poke you,”

My senses tingle, then burned, I twisted my body in pain as red and green lights flashed before my eyes. I shut them tight hoping that closing them will stop the weird colors but to no avail. I screamed in pain but the torment never seemed to end. After what felt like eternity the burning dissipated away, along with the green and red flashing lights. Leaving me breathing heavily, with sweat pouring down my face and neck in the cool, dark, room.

“Your name is Rodger Moore. In 2010 you had signed up with two other operatives to take part in the Typhoon Program. Under the alias of Kamile Honzouki. Do you confirm?” said the voice in a tone that teachers use to put grade schoolers in their place.

“My name, is Akito Takeshiro.” I growled angrily.

The burning sensation returned again, my eyes flashed different colors although there was no light with in the room. The pain hurt so badly my brain couldn’t think straight. All I could do is scream and try to escape the pain and agony. But the restraints keep me practically motionless, and forced me to bear it until the voice or whoever was controlling this thing felt he should stop. After What I was sure twice as long as the first painful episode. The burning slowly subsided. Sweat dropped from my forehead as if I had run two miles in seconds. My breathing was labored and irregular, and this time the multi colored flashes stayed slightly longer than the burning sensation.

“What did you do with the Typhoon Program system?” Asked the voice again

“I don’t know any program!” I yelled this with all of my breath.

"Do you remember a Red, Blue, and green paper?" asked the voice

"Yeah, Me, Sakura, and Toro signed some sheet like that I think while on a school trip in Korea two years ago."

My head was very fuzzy, and in consistant. Due to the weird burning sensastions I was given earlier, but small glimspes of images where fluttering around in my head. appearing and disappearing like tiny embers dissapaiting on the tip of a flame.

"Do you remember the name, Zena Hoshigamaki?" asked the voice,

The name seemed to trigger something in me. My heart started to flutter; feelings and emotions I can't quite name started to swell within me. Like a river lock gate being unlocked images flooded my mind. Places, sights, sounds, and foods I never eaten, seen, or tasted flooded my senses.

"Ugh!! What's all these? What the hell did you do to me!?"

"Ah, it seems that you are finally remembering. Don't worry, just tell me everything you see." said the voice for the first time in a calm manner.

"Ugh... I... Don't know... It all seems so weird. UGH!! I can't get them out of my head!!"

“It's alright, just start from the very beginning...” said the deep Voice
Last edited by dragoon119 on Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:03 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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ShadowZeroHeart
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Re: Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

There are some spelling and grammar errors, but that aside, you might need some work on some parts:

"cold iron banging against cold iron": You probably do not have to mention "cold iron" in both cases.

"Where ever I am, it is dark and cold but just warm enough for a T-shirt to keep me warm.": If a T-shirt can keep you warm, its not cold, its cold if you feel cold even with clothes on? So its a contradiction.


“poke you" : Not sure about this, but is poking a vulgarity in some parts? Someone else please answer to this?

"My senses tingle, then burned, I twisted my body in pain as my red and green light flashed before my eyes.": I think you wanted to say red and green light flashed before my eyes. I don't think you own the lights? Or do you?

"my eyes flashed different colors although there was no light with in the room. ": This seems a little weird. Might be part of your plot though, then its fine. But your eyes probably should not flash with different colors, or they flashed different colors at you? And there is no light, which makes it strange.

"All I could do is scream and try to escape the pain and agony. But the restraints keep me practically motionless, and forced me to bear it until the voice or whoever was controlling this thing felt he should stop.": If it is due to what you see that makes you so painful, won't the natural choice be to close your eyes? Is that not possible as well?

"Yeah, Me Sakura, Toro signed some sheet like that while on a school trip in Korea two years ago." : The question was a Red, Blue, and a Green paper. This is a little too common. Does it really make such a big impact for you to remember it even after two years? You can answer yes, just make this incident memorable in your story later.

"I cant tell you if their real or anything, But theirs a flood of images and memories that I can't get out of my head.": This won't be something you say. Firstly, the flood should not make you talk much, even if it does, you won't call something you ain't sure is real memories.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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dragoon119
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Re: Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by dragoon119 »

Glad someone finally read my hastily created Light novel. I looked over what you said and changed a couple of things to make the novel slightly more specific in what was going on so readers can get a slightly better grasp of the situation. Please help me to point out any other errors you see in the prolouge before I continue writing. Alright to explain some thing’s:

The red and greens lights- Sorry I was typing fast and went back to fix a couple of errors. The main character is tied to the chair with a metallic rope. That leads off into the darkness...hehe. :D

The Red, Blue, and Green paper- This is probably one of the most important things in this entire novel series and shouldn't be passed off so quickly. It will come into play many times within the story when you least aspect it and holds a very large significance within the main characters lives through the course of the series. Exactly what it means and does. You will have to continue reading to find out... 8)

The flood of memories- The memories are flying through the main character's head in much the same way a movie goes through our head. Also the main character has been repeatedly tortured with an unknown torturing device so his fortitude is at an all time low right now. He is only speaking about these memories to avoid the pain of torture. But, whether the memories are real or not will be revealed later as well since that too is a major part of the plot. :wink:

Oh yeah I changed the Iron part slightly but I don't exactly know how to reword it to sound better right now so I'm gonna take some time to think about it.
And poking was originally the F-word but Baka-tsuki seems to have an automated system that swaps out the word for poking. So if you see that read it as:
Poke=F
Poking= F-ing
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ShadowZeroHeart
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Re: Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Sorry, I never tried to test the B-T system with swearing or anything, so I didn't know.

"I can feel a type of smooth, metallic rope wrapped from the tip of my wrists to the middle of my arm." - I am not sure if metallic ropes are found, but I assume you meant metallic straps. Ropes require twisting of the fibre/material, so it cannot be smooth in the end.
The flood of memories- The memories are flying through the main character's head in much the same way a movie goes through our head. Also the main character has been repeatedly tortured with an unknown torturing device so his fortitude is at an all time low right now. He is only speaking about these memories to avoid the pain of torture. But, whether the memories are real or not will be revealed later as well since that too is a major part of the plot.
I understand what you are trying to say. It is okay to call them images, but if you don't recall them at all, you won't call them your memories? Its actually no big deal, I just suggest you either use image, or memories, and not both.

P.S. As I have suggested to one other fan-fic writer. You do not have to express everything you want to illustrate in the story in speech. The characters do not have to say everything, instead you can just write them in the story, as if you are peeking into the character's mind. Imagine yourself in such a situation, would you do/say such things? Its a good guide towards how they would normally react. If you can put yourself in their shoes, or even take up their personalities, it can give the characters more humane personalities and reactions that may draw your readers in.

Edit:

Heres my version of the ending portion, you can take a look?
"Do you remember the name, Zena Hoshigamaki?" asked the voice,

The name seemed to trigger something in me. My heart started to flutter; feelings and emotions I can't quite name started to swell within me. Like a river lock gate being unlocked images flooded my mind. Places, sights, sounds, and foods I never eaten, seen, or tasted flooded my senses.

"Ugh!! What's all these? What the hell did you do to me!?"

"Ah, it seems that you are finally remembering. Don't worry, just tell me everything you see." said the voice for the first time in a calm manner.

"Ugh... I... Don't know... It all seems so weird. UGH!! I can't get them out of my head!!"

“It's alright, just start from the very beginning...” said the deep Voice
It might not be good, but it seems to fit the situation better, or at least so I believe?
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
User avatar
dragoon119
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Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2012 11:39 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!

Re: Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by dragoon119 »

That's Perfect I'm going to change the prologue to what you posted immediantly.

About the swearing, theirs not going to be much of it for a little while at least until chapter 2 when the memories begin to escalate and the plot begins to truly thicken.

Thank you for helping me and I hope you continue reading. By the way do you have any light novels posted that I can read and comment on as well?
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dragoon119
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Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2012 11:39 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!

Re: Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by dragoon119 »

Maybe I should post a summary so people know what to aspect out of this Light novel. Or should I leave it as it is and make people read along to find out the entire plot?

Any suggestions?
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ShadowZeroHeart
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Re: Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

dragoon119 wrote:Maybe I should post a summary so people know what to aspect out of this Light novel. Or should I leave it as it is and make people read along to find out the entire plot?

Any suggestions?
That would depend on you. If your story takes a long time to build up, and you think the plot is very interesting, you might give them a summary to let them know what to look forward to.

If your story requires suspense, and mystery, telling everyone about the secrets would NOT be a good idea.

So it really depends on what your story is going to be like.
dragoon119 wrote:That's Perfect I'm going to change the prologue to what you posted immediantly.

About the swearing, theirs not going to be much of it for a little while at least until chapter 2 when the memories begin to escalate and the plot begins to truly thicken.

Thank you for helping me and I hope you continue reading. By the way do you have any light novels posted that I can read and comment on as well?
No, sorry, I don't write anything. While I do consider things like that at times, I am really bad at names, and I am quite busy with school these days.

As to whether you should use what I posted, personally, I don't recommend it. Reason being it is your story, and you should know best what they do, as some things I do may affect what goes on later in the story.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
User avatar
dragoon119
Reader
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2012 11:39 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!

Re: Original Light Novel Project: Entrapment

Post by dragoon119 »

Alright some updates for anyone who is reading my LN Entrapment.

I've decided to make it a oneshot rather than a running series in order to keep the mystery and suspense high. As well as because I am also currently working on three other light novel series that I have put month's more research into than this. So to cut down on the amount of work I have to do I'm gonna try to compact this series into one book.

But I will not cut corners and rush it. I am currently working on Chapter 1: Imminent Domain
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