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Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:23 am
by Smidge204
HolyCow wrote:This is my take at translating. Note that I have paraphrased things quite a bit.
I think we're getting somewhere with this! The
only problem I have with this is "the future" seems to be used too often, especially things like "back in time from the future" (Not even Marty could travel back in time from the
past...). I suppose this can't be avoided when talking about time travel, but here's an attempt to make it flow better:
“There’s a reason for not letting her know, of course. If a time traveler were to know of their reason for traveling back in time, they would inevitably analyze that reason, and carefully plan his or her next actions, since a time traveler would never do something that would jeopardize his or her own future. That is why, although Asahina-san is a time traveler, she doesn’t know anything about her true purpose for traveling back in time. It’s because she has been intentionally kept in the dark. This is a preventative step the future has taken to ensure that the past, be it their past selves or others native to that time plane like you and me, does not analyze their reasons and act unaccordingly, putting the future at risk. All we know about Asahina-san is that she is required to remain in this time plane. If we were to successfully conclude why she traveled back in time, it would be a very grave situation for the future. As such, the future takes great precaution in ensuring that the only thing we can conclude is that she is their beautiful representative. I do not feel threatened by her now, but if the need arises, I believe that she will act based on her orders.
That seems a bit better...
=Smidge=
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:31 am
by HolyCow
I think I'll switch the "he or she"s into "they"s.
“There’s a reason for not letting her know, of course. If time travelers were to know of their reasons for traveling back in time, they would inevitably analyze that reason and carefully plan their next actions, since time travelers would never do something that would jeopardize their own future.
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:54 am
by Smidge204
Albert Andreas Armadillo approves.
=Smidge=
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 6:22 am
by HolyCow
Feel free to make any changes you find appropriate. Same goes with the prologue (I did a complete rewording of Koizumi's speech, it's probably buried here SOMEWHERE)
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 7:39 am
by Nutcase
Great! I may find some trivial cosmetic adjustments, but the whole thing is coherent and congruent now.
Except that last line is once again rather different in spirit from earlier versions. I take this as reflecting the ambiguity of the relationship between the 'Organization' and the future that Asahina represents. There's the risk of being on a branch that gets lopped off, and issue that cuts both ways between the two...
Nutcase
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:57 am
by Nutcase
“There’s a reason for not letting her know, of course. If a time traveler were to know their purpose in the past, they would inevitably analyze that purpose, and carefully plan their next actions, fearing to jeopardize their own future. This is why although Asahina-san is a time traveler, she doesn’t know anything about her true purpose here. She has been intentionally kept in the dark. This the future’s countermeasure to ensure that the past, be it their own past selves or others native to that time plane like you and me, does not analyze their reasons and act unaccordingly, putting the future at risk. So all we know about Asahina-san is that she is required to remain in this time plane; if we were to successfully discover why she is here, it would be a very grave situation for the future. Therefore, the future takes great care to ensure that the only thing we can conclude is that she’s a beautiful representative from the future. I do not feel threatened by her now; but in a crisis, I believe that she will act based on her orders from the future.”
Here it is tweaked a bit for esthetics. For example, "purpose in the past" is shorter and has alliteration compared to "reason for traveling back in time." At this level, though, we're getting into the "just do it" level of editing...
Nutcase
Posted: Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:44 am
by Nutcase
Okay, case closed it seems. I'm going to make the edit. However, HolyCow, didn't you mention something about another speech of Koizumi's in the prologue that you reworked? Care to share?
Nutcase
Posted: Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:56 am
by HolyCow
It's in another thread in the same subforum. I've bumped it for your convenience.
Posted: Mon Feb 26, 2007 6:20 pm
by Nutcase
Thanks, HolyCow. I'll pick that thread up tomorrow morning.
Nutcase
Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 4:29 pm
by Haiyami
sorry this subject is too complex for me. Even I had a hard time sorting things together.
Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 12:50 pm
by Nutcase
Not to worry.
This is sort of like turning a chair over to look at how it's put together. If you aren't into this particular area of craftsmanship, it's not gonna be very interesting. In fact, it takes a significant effort of will to focus down on these little details, especially after you have read through. It's a little different for a reader on their first pass, where even tiny points of awkwardness or confusion can snag the attention or just wear on your interest.
Nutcase
Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 9:10 pm
by Haiyami
actually this would be my second path but its been about 3 weeks since i last reread vol7 and i don't remember much.