Boku wa tomodachi ga sukunai:Volume6 Maid Cafe

Maid Cafe

Thus, we quickly began discussing what we should do for the cultural festival.

"How about a maid cafe!?"

"Die."

Yozora replied to Sena's idea immediately and harshly.

Since we can't do anything before deciding what it is we want to do, we decided to have everyone throw out their own ideas and then examine them.

And by examine, I don't mean just discussing the idea, but actually try doing a little test-run of it as well.

The reasoning being that we can kill two birds with one stone by doing so. On one hand, it helps us pick out an idea, and on the other, it serves as practice for when we do something with our friends next year.

And so, the first suggestion was a "maid cafe" from Sena, but...

"H-how can you say no so quickly!? Maid cafes are the bread and butter of every cultural festival ever! Even the galge I'm playing now, called 'Moshimo Koukou Yakyuubu no Manager ga Bara-iro no Gakuen Seikatsu wo Okureru nara', aka 'Moshibara', has the protagonist's class doing a maid cafe! Incidentally, this game's game system is pretty novel in that the protagonist's best friend is sick, and her lifespan depends on——"

"I don't care about your stupid galge. You can go die now."

Yozora said, interrupting Sena's protests(?).

It seemed like Sena was about to be deserted, but I jumped into the conversation.

"Well, I don't know if it's the 'bread and butter' of a cultural festival, but it's not that weird of an idea, is it? For Sena anyway..."

"What do you mean 'for me'!?"

"Don't sweat the small stuff."

"Muu. Acting like you're so great."

I decided to leave Sena to her complaining, and think things over.

I could definitely see a normal cafe, sans maids, being the 'bread and butter' of a cultural festival, and our club did have its own personal maid up until just recently.

Our room is definitely big enough for it too, and I bet we could borrow the chapel kitchen to handle the cooking.

I think it's actually a pretty good idea for our club.

"Rika doesn't think there's any real problem with a maid cafe either," said Rika.

"I am prepared to don my maid uniform again at any time," said Yukimura.

...Yukimura, do you actually want to wear it again?

Yozora then let out a short "Hah." as though mocking us.

"My goodness, what a bunch of thoughtless fools."

"...?"

"What? You think there's some kind of problem with it?"

Sena asked in a voice of displeasure, to which Yozora firmly declared in response,

"You think that I can handle serving any customers!?"

............

......

Silence fell upon the clubroom.

"............Oh yeah."

Someone raised a voice of agreement.

"...I don't think it's something you should go parading around, but that is true, isn't it... There's no way Yozora could ever serve any customers~"

"To say nothing of being a maid. I can't imagine Yozora-senpai wearing a maid uniform and saying 'Welcome home, Master~' to any customers."

"That is true. A maid uniform would be most unfitting for Yozora-anego."

"Pffft, I just imagined Yozora in a maid uniform, and now I can't stop laughing~! There should be limits on how mismatched two things can be! This is just too much, pfft!"

We each made our own little comment, causing a vein to pop out on Yozora's head as her cheeks started twitching.

"You bunch of little... You're gonna piss me off if you keep insulting me like that..."

"D-don't look at me, you're the one that said it!"

"It's true that I can't hope to amicably serve any customers, but even I can handle the most basic tasks."

"I dunno about that~ The best I can see you doing is sitting in the back of some dingy bookshop with a grumpy look on your face while reading a book and watching over the shop."

"Ahh, that does sound pretty Yozora-like."

"I know, right? It's a simple job too, all you have to do when a customer brings a book up to the register is silently ring them up and give them their change."

"W-wha...!?"

Yozora's face was tinged with both anger and shock after hearing Sena's and my words.

"? Yozora?"

"Ah- I-it's nothing!"

Yozora said in response to my suspicions, as though trying to hide something.

"I-it's true that I can't serve customers! But! None of you are any better, damn it!"

You could almost hear Yozora's finger go "schwing!" as she pointed it at us.

"Uu...!"

I flinched by reflex, but,

"I-I can handle something as simple as serving customers! As long as it's at a normal cafe or restaurant with no maids and stuff!"

"Well then, Kodaka, have you ever served any customers at a cafe or restaurant?"

"I... haven't, but..."

I don't have any experience working any part-time job, let alone one where I'd serve customers.

I'd always been busy adjusting to wherever it is we had to move to, and I couldn't get a long-term thing going because I never knew when I'd have to move again, and there's always the chores to do, and ever since I took over handling the money at home in place of our dad who's never around, I haven't had the need to try and find a part-time job anyway, and also, umm....

"I-I might not have any experience, but I could do it if I wanted to! Probably... I... think..."

My voice slowly trailed off into nothingness.

"Aha, all the customers would run away if they had Kodaka serving them."

Sena uttered quite the rude statement.

"A-as if that'd happen! All I have to do is be a little sociable...!"

"Kodaka-senpai being sociable... pft-"

"Even I was able to comprehend the humor within that joke."

Rika and Yukimura both gave me their two cents.

"Kh... F-fine, then I'll do it right here! I'll show you I can serve customers!"

I then put on a sociable smile, and gave out a greeting in a friendly, gentle voice.

"W-welgum? ...C-cuhm on inn...?"

"""Holy crap!"""

Sena, Yozora, and Rika all made a look of surprise on their faces at the same time.

"That had an incredible level of intensity to it. As one would expect of Aniki."

Yukimura stared at me with sparkling eyes.

"Intensity!? Why would you describe it that way!?"

"It wouldn't have been strange if after that 'welcome' you said, 'to this insane world' or 'to 101 Hell Street' or something similar."

Rika said in response to my shock, as though she were teasing me.

"Gh... W-well what about you!? Can you serve customers?"

"Heheh, don't go underestimating the genius inventor, Rika Shiguma."

Rika seemed to be pretty confident in herself, but what does being a genius inventor have to do with serving customers?

"Ohh? Then give it a shot."

"Fine with me! Yozora-senpai, do we still have the maid uniform Yukimura was wearing?"

"Yeah."

Yozora opened the clubroom closet, and pulled out a maid uniform—— Wait, I just noticed this, but when did we get a closet in here too!?

We brought a TV and a cupboard in here, and always move the furniture around too. Man, we really are just using this lounge however the heck we want, aren't we...

Rika took the maid uniform from Yozora, and said,

"I figure I might as well take this chance to actually wear a maid uniform and try it out. I'll be changing now, so please close your eyes, Kodaka-senpai."

"Sure."

I closed my eyes, as told.

The sound of clothes rubbing against Rika's skin as she changed filled the clubroom for the next few minutes.

"...You can open your eyes now."

I obeyed Rika's strangely upset voice, and opened my eyes.

Rika was wearing a maid uniform.

"That's a face that says all you thought after seeing me was the plain fact that 'Rika was wearing a maid uniform,' and nothing more, isn't it..."

Rika said, seemingly disappointed about something.

"Ohh, that's amazing! How did you know what I was thinking? You got it exactly right, a perfect guess."

"Iiidiott iidiot, Kodaka-senpai's an iidiot!"

I was amazed by her skill and only gave her my honest praise, but for some reason Rika replied by insulting me with a few tears in the corners of her eyes.

She then said, as if she were pouting,

"And you actually kept your eyes closed the whole time... I can't believe this."

"Uh, you're the one who told me to close 'em, remember?"

"Yes, I did, but! You had a girl changing her clothes right in front of you! Isn't it normal to try and sneak a peek, even though you know it's wrong? Use your damn head!"

"Oh, not so fast. I might've actually been watching you with one eye part-open ya' know. Thanks for the show babe, gehihi."

Rika sighed and shook her head in response to my grin.

"Haa... I highly doubt it."

"W-why's that?"

"Because, as I was changing I did a crazy little dance, made ridiculous poses, and made weird faces too. There's no way you, Kodaka-senpai, with your need to retort at every silly thing someone does, would have been able to watch that without saying anything."

"W-what...!?"

I then noticed Yozora and Sena were flopped over on the table, shaking as though they couldn't take any more.

"Hey, what happened you guys!?"

"Hehehe, Rika was so funny they can barely even breathe as they try to hold back their laughter."

She actually made them both laugh? At the same time...!?

"Just what on Earth did you do!?"

"Heheh, I'm not telling someone who completely ignored Rika while she changed right in front of him~"

"Damn it, I couldn't care less about you changing clothes, but as a man who prides himself on his jokes, having missed something so funny is killing me...!"

"Couldn't care less... (´・ω・`)"

Rika pursed her lips, and said,

"Argh, forget it, I'm done with this god damn dimwit pudding! I'll be doing my job as a maid now, so Kodaka-senpai, please leave the room and re-enter for me."

"You sure seem fired up... And hey, what's with the god damn dimwit pudding remark... You've really been swearing a lot more lately, you know that...?"

I left the room while moaning and complaining, and quickly re-entered the room shortly after.

"I-it's not like I wanted you to come or anything, got it!? You goddamn retarded pudding!"

Thump!

"Oww!!"

Right after I entered the store (the clubroom), a maid (Rika) insulted and then kicked me in the shin!

"Y-you kicked me as hard as you could just now, didn't you!?"

"Whatever, just take a seat already, ok? You fucking bumpkin!"

Thump!

"Kuoh!? You kicked me again!?"

"So you can tell when you get kicked, but you don't understand what 'sit' means? Quite the untrained dimwit mutt we've got here! Do you even have a brain under that shit-colored hair that looks like what's left over after eating some keema curry!?"

Thump!

"Seriously, quit kicking me so hard, you idiot! Or at least stop kicking me in the shin! Don't think you can get away with whatever you want as long as you talk like some kind of tsundere!"

"Hahh? Tsundere? Don't get full of yourself, you damn green rice leafhopper! There's not even one microgram's worth of reason to act all nice to a stupid dung beetle! If you don't hurry up and do as you're told, I'll tear off that cockroach-colored hair of yours, got that!?"

"Stop constantly attacking the part of my body I have a complex about!"

I put up some resistance, since she seemed to seriously be trying to hurt me.

Still, having my hair torn out is more than I can handle, so I walked over to the table.

Thump!

"Stop kicking me! I'm just about to sit down!"

"Who said you could sit in a chair made for humans, huh!? Damn pinworm head!"

"P-pinworm head!?"

That's just too much! I'm about to cry here! ...Although, it's not like I even know what a pinworm actually looks like.

"Where do you want me to sit then anyway!?"

"What, are you blind!? There's a chair only idiots can't see right there!"

"Uoh!?"

Rika kicked the back of my knees, and forced me into a pose as though I were sitting in an air chair.

"Don't move a muscle, got that!?"

I waited in my air chair for Rika to brew, and then bring me a cup of coffee.

...What the hell is this?

"I-it's not like I brought this here for you, got that!?"

Rika said, before starting to, all of a sudden, drink the coffee she brought over right in front of me.

"Ehhh!?"

She really didn't bring it for me!!

"Just so you know, the coffee costs 980 yen, got that!?"

"You seriously expect me to pay for a coffee you drank right in front of me that I didn't even order!? And it's ridiculously expensive too!"

"What, you want it that bad!? You want to put this hot, black stuff in your mouth that badly!? You look like a whore, you damn lewd sea urchin-flavored piece of shit!"

"Sea urchin!? What does that even mean!?"

"It means your head looks like someone poured soy sauce on some pudding."

"Oh, now I get it!"

She's actually pretty clever... at least, the sea urchin thing was. Hehe...

"What's with that stupid grin on your face!? You probably thought 'She's actually pretty clever... at least, the sea urchin thing was,' but it wasn't clever at all, got that!? Hurry up n' finish your drink and get the hell outta here, you sea urchin bitch!"

I took the now half-empty cup of coffee from Rika.

I wanted to hurry up and leave anyway, so I quickly gulped it down.

However, my legs were shaking due to being stuck sitting in my air chair, making it hard to drink.

"Uwa, that's hot!"

I accidentally spilled some coffee on my pants.

"Can you not even eat your food correctly, you imbecile!? God damn it, I'm tired of trying to train this troglodyte whose head looks like the fur on a baboon's ass!"

Uuu... I can feel my heart breaking...

"Rika didn't brew that coffee for your dirty pants that smell like a mandrill's pubic hair! Move it! Suck up the coffee you spilled before you dry it!"

"As if I could!"

"Shut up, take your pants off, and then enjoy the nightmarish smell of your crotch mixed with coffee as you expose your pathetic crotch to the rest of the world, you pervert dung beetle!"

"...I-I'm begging you, please just stop...!"

I dumped the rest of the coffee down my throat in one gulp, and hung my head in shame.

Rika looked down as I did, and then quietly said with a defiant look on her face,

"Y-you can come again if you want to, got that..."

"Like hell I'll ever come again!!"

I screamed with all I had at the sadist maid who showed me a microgram of kindness at the very end.

"Heheh, so, how was it? Did you like Rika's tsundere maid?"

"What part of that was a tsundere!? You snapped my heart clean in two!"

"That's strange... Rika quite enjoyed it personally."

"...That was definitely just her using acting tsundere as an excuse to vent out her anger on him, wasn't it..."

Sena said while looking at Rika, as though she'd just witnessed something terrifying.

"Ms. Rika has many things to consider," said Yukimura, nodding in agreement for some reason.

"...I see. So you can serve customers that way too, huh..."

"No, not a chance in hell."

Sena said to Yozora, who was nodding her head in understanding.

"...But it might not be all that bad..."

"What part of that is not bad!?"

"!? T-the part where I'd get to kick you, obviously! D-don't get the wrong idea, ok!? It's not like I want to be verbally abused or anything, got that!?"

"Uh, I really doubt anyone would ever even think that..."

And kicking me is definitely not good.

"So, how would you rate Rika's tsundere maid?"

Rika did a small turn, and flipped her skirt up a little.

"About 20 points, I guess," said Sena, utterly uninterested.

"Negative 80. What kind of maid acts like that?" I said.

"About 40 points, I suppose. There is the one flaw in how you need to reassess what it means to "serve" a customer, but you were going in the right direction."

"That's a pretty damn fatal flaw if you ask me. She wasn't going in the right direction either."

I remarked to Yozora, who actually said that seriously.

"Muu, I thought I did better than that... I wonder if tsunderes just aren't suited for working in the service industry."

"You're still trying to pretend that was you being tsundere?"

I said, with half open eyes, to Rika, who was making a difficult face.

"What did you think about it, Yukimura?"

After being asked for her opinion, Yukimura put on her usual expressionless look and tilted her head to the side before responding by saying,

"With all due respect... it is my opinion you have much to learn."

"No wayyyy~"

Rika made a shocked faced after hearing Yukimura's blunt rejection.

"...I suppose it must be true if Yukimura says so... Am I correct in assuming wearing a maid uniform all this time has allowed you to grasp a part of what it truly means to be a maid?"

"Yes, you would be."

Yukimura nodded with a completely serious look on her face.

"...I never knew. I always thought of it as you basically just cosplaying as a maid."

Yozora quietly added. Wait, hold it right there, you're the one who made her do it!

"So, what is the true essence of a maid? Please teach me."

"Very well."

Yukimura closed her eyes, and gave a strangely solemn nod.

"...Hey, don't you think Yukimura's getting a little conceited here?"

Sena whispered to me, but even though I agree with her, I didn't say anything.

A now slightly conceited sounding Yukimura then declared, in a noticeably more serious voice than usual,

"The true essence of a maid is—— a heart devoted to Aniki."

............

"Ooo~ Kayy~! Let's have Meat show us how she serves customers next~ (monotone)"

"Ehh!?" I'm doing it too!?"

"Come on, just do it~ You might as well~ I want to see Sena-senpai serving a customer~ (monotone)"

The three of them acted like Yukimura hadn't said a thing, and started chatting amongst themselves.

Yukimura made a face that looked like (´・ω・`).

Sena then said, while shooing me away with her hand,

"Fine, I guess I can do it. Hey, Kodaka! I'm changing, get out of here!"

"I can't just close my eyes like before?"

"What wuzzat?"

She started glaring at me.

"......You've got two previous offenses after all."

"Eh?"

"Nothing! Hurry up and get out!"

"A-alright."

Sena started to blush for some reason before shooing me away until I'd left the clubroom.

☺

"You can come in now."

I heard Sena's voice come from inside the clubroom giving me the OK, so I opened the door.

"Welcome home, Master."

Sena, now wearing the entire maid uniform, gave me a light bow as I entered the room.

"Uohh..."

I accidentally let a voice of amazement leak out.

Just having Sena wear a maid uniform, speak to me politely, and call me Master was shocking enough, but that hint of refinement in her bow and her tender voice fit perfectly, almost as if she were a real maid.

"Mumumu."

Yukimura made a faint grumbling sound. I'm guessing it was from some kind of sense of rivalry, but she seemed upset.

"...Still, that thing looks... kinda small for you."

"Ugh...!"

Sena's face twitched ever so slightly.

This maid uniform was originally Yozora's, so Yukimura and Rika were able to wear it with relative ease due to them being about the same size as her, but it looked a little too tight for Sena.

Especially on the upper half of her body—— The collar looks stretched to the limit as it is, but even so, it's still kinda... especially around the chest, it um... it looks so stretched out it might burst open any second now.

"S-stop staring at me, idiot!"

Sena covered her chest with both hands, her cheeks red.

"Actually, how did you guys even wear this thing before? Wasn't it tight at all?"

"...Fuck."

Yukimura looked at her chest and Sena's in intervals before making a look of displeasure on her face.

"...Porn star," Rika murmured with an expressionless face.

"...God damn whore...!"

Yozora cursed at Sena with a hostile look in her eyes.

"Uuu... H-heheh, looks like the small fries are saying something!"

Sena arrogantly puffed out her chest, slightly teary-eyed.

"I-in any case, I shall now escort you to your seat, Master."

Sena gave me a smile.

"S-sure thing..."

Damn, having Sena call me Master seriously gets my heart pounding!

Sena then guided me to my seat, where I sat down.

"...Quit ogling her, Kodaka you idiot."

Yozora said in an unhappy tone of voice.

"Have you decided on what to order?"

"Um... What's on the menu?"

"We have our special maid sandwich, special maid cake, special maid tea, special maid coffee, and other such items available to be ordered."

"Ohh? Ok, I'll try the cake then."

"My apologies, but we are currently out of cake."

"So you don't have it after all! Ok, then just a coffee..."

"Understood, Master."

Sena gave me another light bow before going off to brew some coffee, and then smoothly carrying it back.

"Here is your order, Master. One special maid coffee."

She's doing this so perfectly that it almost feels weird.

I looked back and forth between the coffee in front of me and Sena's face before saying,

"...Wait, um, seriously, what's going on here... How are you so good at this...!?"

"He's right! There's no way Sena-senpai could ever serve any customers right! You must be a fake, right!? Or some maid spirit that took over Sena-senpai's body!"

"Oh maid spirit, release yourself from Sena-anego's body."

Sena's face went red after hearing all of our little comments.

"W-what's so weird about me being good at this!? I'm umm, I-I'm just copying what Stella does!"

"Ah, now I get it."

"Oh, is that all. I guess having a pro butler by you so often means you'll pick some of it up by osmosis."

"Y-yeah! That's it!"

Sena fiercely nodded her head up and down as the rest of us came to an understanding.

She doesn't have to get all worked up about it though.

"...Why would watching a butler teach you how to serve in a cafe...?"

Yozora mumbled something with a look of doubt on her face, but I couldn't really hear her.

"Still, this is pretty good, even if you're just copying her."

"I-it's not that good, geez~"

Sena blushed with shyness after hearing my honest praise.

Now then, guess it's time to drink this coffee... but right as I reached out for my cup,

"Ah, hold on. This is the special maid coffee, so we have to cast the spell to make it taste super good."

"Spell?"

Sena returned a confident smile to my doubtful look, and then started the spell.

"Suuuuper~ taaaasty~ spellll♪ Moe moe kyun kyun♥"

She made a heart with her two hands and did a little dance as she cast some mysterious spell.

................................................................................................

................................................................................................

............A heavy silence fell upon the clubroom.

............Apparently that mysterious spell was one that freezes space-time.

"... H... Huh...?"

Sena's face stiffened in the shape of a strained smile.

"Meat..."

Yozora stared at Sena with a gaze as cold as absolute zero.

".........Y-yes, what is it, Master..."

"...............Meat."

"Hauu!"

Yozora simply kept staring at Sena in silence.

A cold sweat ran down Sena's face as she stood there with her maid smile stuck on her face while Yozora stared at her with her pitch black eyes that looked as though they could see through everything.

"...Uu... Ah... Auu..."

And then, at long last, that painful smile of hers crumbled——

"I definitely didn't go to a maid cafe on one of our days off or anything, okayyyyyy!?"

Sena ran out of the room in tears while screaming what was obviously the truth.

...While wearing the maid uniform.

.........

"Ok, so no maid cafe then!"

Yozora said with a ridiculously refreshed looking face, to which Rika, Yukimura, and I all nodded deeply in agreement with.

☺

Later that day.

About 30 minutes later, Sena came back to the clubroom with an awkward look on her face after realizing there was no way she could go home wearing the maid uniform, and none of us said a word.

I quietly left the clubroom, and wordlessly sent Sena off, who had now changed back into her school uniform, before re-entering the clubroom.

I then killed some time reading a book before we all started to disperse around our usual time.

As I was walking through the chapel, I suddenly stopped in my tracks.

There's one thing that's still really bugging me.

It's the little act Rika did when she was changing. I just have to know what kind of weird stuff Rika did that was so funny it had Yozora and Sena gasping for breath on the table...!

When I left the clubroom, Yozora told me, "I'll go home once I get to a good place to stop," so she should still be in there.

I did a 180 degree turn and headed for the clubroom to ask Yozora about Rika's act.

Ca-lick.

I opened the door to the clubroom.

Yozora was wearing the maid uniform.

Our eyes met.

"............"

"............"

We stared at each other in total silence...

Then, all of a sudden, Yozora's face went deep red like a newly lit match.

"T-this is, umm, auu, awa...!"

Yozora's mouth was opening and closing like a fish out of water.

I showed her a kind smile while taking a step back, and closing the door to the clubroom.

☺

Later that night, I got a huge text message from Yozora.

Basically, it said, "I only wore the maid uniform because Sena did, and had to check to make sure she didn't rip anything or stretch any of it out too far." (about 80% of it was her insulting Sena).

In return, all I did was send her a small reply that read, "I know."

Translation Notes:

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