Talk:Kokoro Connect:Volume 4.5 The Correct Way to Use a Scoop Photo
Revision as of 12:31, 6 September 2013 by Skullheart (talk | contribs)
I noticed some parts that could be cleaner, but since I never edited before, I would appreciate if someone could look over this:
- Line 2: "before" denotes time. "to" would fit better in my opinion: "Nagase Iori abruptly said to Yaegashi Taichi."
- Line 3: The way it is worded right now, it sounds like Iori is the only beautiful girl in existance. A superlative would fit better: "Nagase, the truly most beautiful girl in reality [...]"
- Line 14: The sentence is a conditional one (→ In the case that the five are together, ...). I would change "because" to "if": "If they are together, they can do it."
- Line 14: "it" is ambiguous. What exactly is it they can do? "Everything" might fit better: "If they are together, they can do everything"
- Line 18: I think the word you are looking for is "twirl", not "whirl": "Nagase twirled her tied up hair around her finger."
- Line 19: "though" is superfluous here, since there is no previous statement being qualified. "Well, I don't plan on denying it."
- Line 20: I feel like there is something missing here. "Of course, if she said [missing] and smiled, [...]"
- Line 21: "most key member" sounds redundant. I would cut the "most" or replace "key" with "important": "[...] who do you think is the number one most important member of the group?"
- Line 21: I also feel that "our" instead of "the" would improve the flow of the sentence. I can't really give a reason, just something that feels right: "[...] who do you think is the number one most important member of our group?"
- Line 22: They are not talking about positions, but about persons. The whole sentence was kind of unclear, so I rewrote it (also, missing comma): "Well, that's obviously the person that leads us, Nagase or Inaba …….."
- Line 26: Is that a Japanese idiom? The sentence does not really make sense in English.
- Line 26: Also, both sentence are starting with "Taichi". Drop the period and the ellipses, replace "Taichi" with "but": "instinctively nodded, but then became confused and shook his head."
Might continue this later.
In novels don't change the ellipses and most of the punctuation already there. They are used to denote different emotions and styles of speech. Line 26 to me isn't an idiom but more like an imagery which means Taichi took up what someone else said. I would suggest that you make an account and register as an editor since you seem to be quite active in editing the text. Skullheart (talk)
Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and edit the text, save for line 26, then (Still going to run any other changes I would make by here) SomeLesserThings (talk) 04:24, 3 September 2013 (CDT)
Next:
Section 1
- Line 35: "you" should be after "don't". "it" doesn't belong there (ideally, it would be "don't you think?", but "believe" is important for the next line): "Taichi is that type of person, don't you believe?"
- Line 42: I feel like the last thought is being continued in the next line. Since the sentence is not being clear right now (as well as grammatically wrong), I prefer this: "Taichi thought about giving a more desirable response."
- Line 43: Connecting this with the previous line: "But even if it's for Nagase's sake, trying to say something insincerely gives the wrong feeling."
- Line 45: I'm not quite sure what is meant with "Inside the room the fog cleared"
Section 2
- Line 1: The phrase is "anything goes". Missing article. "If translated, it is an "anything goes" kind of club where the current members are five first year students."
- Line 2: The "roughly" seems to be unneeded. If there needs to be a word, I think "basically" would fit better: "A name that seems solid, it is a lenient club where one can do whatever they like."
- Line 2: There appear to be two sentences mashed together. "Inside the Cultural Research Club's clubroom, Taichi and the other members of the CRC sat around the long tables."
- Line 3: "From now on" implies an action that is repeated in the future. "Now, we'll begin the meeting [...]".
- Line 3: "discuss" might be a better choice of words than "report on": "We'll begin the meeting to discuss the articles that will be published [...]".
- Line 4: The text suddenly switches into first-person ("said [...] to us"). Is that intended?
- Line 5: "opening" is used twice. Since they are talking about the CRC News, the first occurrence could be replaced with "their contribution": "The day they are meeting to discuss their contribution to the Cultural Festival soon opening in the beginning of September." Alternatively, the second "soon opening" could be replaced with "taking place".
- Line 10: I reworded the title of the article: "Stylish Girls' Choice! The Top Ten Hot Cute Accessories of Today! With These Your Cuteness Will Quickly Increase!"
- Line 11: "draft" makes clear that the article is meant, so the "article" is unnecessary: "While showing off her draft, [...]".
- Line 14: "comments" is plural, so it should be "are" instead of "is": "Wait, wait a second! There are no comments!? There probably are!? There are, right!?"
- Line 19: I think "probably" belongs after "should": "The two boys- better yet, the girls should probably be interested!?"
- Line 23: "Nagase laughed, unconcerned" or "Nagase, not concerned, laughed". I prefer the first version.
SomeLesserThings (talk) 17:46, 3 September 2013 (CDT)
*For line 35, I think it's fine as it is. It's more of a statement but with uncertainty.
- Line 45, more imagery. Fog= confusion, uncertainty.
