Talk:Kokoro Connect:Volume 4.5 The Correct Way to Use a Scoop Photo
Revision as of 05:32, 3 September 2013 by Skullheart (talk | contribs)
I noticed some parts that could be cleaner, but since I never edited before, I would appreciate if someone could look over this:
- Line 2: "before" denotes time. "to" would fit better in my opinion: "Nagase Iori abruptly said to Yaegashi Taichi."
- Line 3: The way it is worded right now, it sounds like Iori is the only beautiful girl in existance. A superlative would fit better: "Nagase, the truly most beautiful girl in reality [...]"
- Line 14: The sentence is a conditional one (→ In the case that the five are together, ...). I would change "because" to "if": "If they are together, they can do it."
- Line 14: "it" is ambiguous. What exactly is it they can do? "Everything" might fit better: "If they are together, they can do everything"
- Line 18: I think the word you are looking for is "twirl", not "whirl": "Nagase twirled her tied up hair around her finger."
- Line 19: "though" is superfluous here, since there is no previous statement being qualified. "Well, I don't plan on denying it."
- Line 20: I feel like there is something missing here. "Of course, if she said [missing] and smiled, [...]"
- Line 21: "most key member" sounds redundant. I would cut the "most" or replace "key" with "important": "[...] who do you think is the number one most important member of the group?"
- Line 21: I also feel that "our" instead of "the" would improve the flow of the sentence. I can't really give a reason, just something that feels right: "[...] who do you think is the number one most important member of our group?"
- Line 22: They are not talking about positions, but about persons. The whole sentence was kind of unclear, so I rewrote it (also, missing comma): "Well, that's obviously the person that leads us, Nagase or Inaba …….."
- Line 26: Is that a Japanese idiom? The sentence does not really make sense in English.
- Line 26: Also, both sentence are starting with "Taichi". Drop the period and the ellipses, replace "Taichi" with "but": "instinctively nodded, but then became confused and shook his head."
Might continue this later.
In novels don't change the ellipses and most of the punctuation already there. They are used to denote different emotions and styles of speech. I would suggest that you make an account and register as an editor since you seem to be quite active in editing the text. Skullheart (talk)
