[ch 7] Chapter 7: "Points I'd like to raise"

[Da~Mike]

Chapter 7: "Points I'd like to raise"

I finished my first read-through of the completed Chapter 7 and there're numerous points I'd like to raise (whilst I edit some of them):

* Haruhi decided. Hey, weren't you the one changing the subject? But I guess she was right, so there was no point arguing with her. While fanning the breast of her school uniform with a textbook,


w.r.t. (with respect to) the text above in bold, I'm not too sure whether I agree with the sentence or that it simply sounds odd. The fact that Haruhi has her uniform on seems to be a redundant point (unless explicitly mentioned in the novel). Thus, it could be simplified and made more concise by using this instead: "While fanning the upper half of her body with a textbook,"


* Haruhi's mouth was perfectly like a heno-ji. She looked like a cartoon character.


Please attach a translation note for the term heno-ji.


* We were frozen by an icy, minus 273 degree Celsius voice. Haruhi, wearing her PE uniform and carrying her bag, had a scary expression as though she had just witnessed her dad assaulting an innocent girl.


Unless "minus 273 degree Celsius" is explicitly mentioned, I think the original translation of "absolute zero" should be used and a translation note attached (just swap the link). The sentence would flow better with words alone rather than adding in scienific specifics.


* "Just kidding! Right now this sealed state is probably only temporary, but very soon it'll become similar to the world you know. Yet this world will be completely different to the world we're from. As of right now, this world could be considered as the real world, while the original reality ought to be considered a Sealed Dimension.
* After running quite a distance from the school buildings, we turned and looked upwards, and discovered how huge the giant was. The giant inside the Sealed Dimension Koizumi brought me in was just as huge as this, almost as tall as a building.
* As I answered Haruhi I thought at the same time, remembering what Koizumi told me when he brought me into that Sealed Dimension, if we let these "Deities" continue their rampage, then after the destruction, the Sealed Dimension will replace the real world, meaning this grey world will replace the world we came from, and then......


Inconsistencies noted in bold. I'll make the changes.


* What will the world become?

While this sentence is perfectly fine, I think a substitute of "What will become of our world?" is more explicit as it highlights the fact that Kyon is referring to the "original world" and its potential replacement by the Sealed Reality.


* According to what Koizumi just told me, Haruhi seems to be creating a brand new world. By then would the Asahina and Nagato I know be in this new world? Or will it be a surreal world where these "Deities" walk around freely, and aliens, time travellers and espers become commonplace?
* I couldn't tell how large this Sealed Dimension was, and I didn't know if this dimension would expand and become another reality. At this moment, my mind was full of uncertainties. If at this instant, an old drunkard sitting beside me in a train said to me, "Let me tell you something, but don't tell anyone! I'm actually an alien." I would have believed him right away. Because my mysterious event experience level has now tripled compared to a month ago.
* I sat waerily on the floor and grabbed my head thinking. If this were all a dream, why did it feel so real? The sweaty right hand, and the warmth left on the lips......


Inconsistencies and mild grammar issues. I shall attempt to rectify them.


* The sun continues to release its heat from its endless nuclear fusion. Mr Sunshine, I beg of you, can't you occasionally take a break? I'm going to fry to death!


Mild grammar issue. Substitute of "The sun continued to release its heat from its endless nuclear fusion."


--Da~Mike 20:40, 6 May 2006 (GMT)

Hey, Da~Mike. I've been meaning to reply to your long "sentence order post," but I haven't felt up to it lately. I'm just going to run through a few points that stick out to me, from your above points.

* "While fanning the breast of her school uniform with a textbook,"

I'm probably a stickler for leaning towards the "literal translation" side of things. But in any case, a school uniform's breast also refers to that V-shaped opening in the sailor collar, which is where she she is most likely to fan. Hence, I favor not losing information from the original.

* "minus 273 degree C voice."

this is in the actual book, and that aside, doesn't that just have a better ring to it? "Absolute Zero" needs another beat of time to realize that it's referring to temperature. Unless you're a physicist, I guess. But then again its possible that I'm the only one who likes those kinds of run-on-sentence-as-adjective descriptions. (See previous sentence!)

* "what will the world become?"

oddly enough, it works logically both ways. Haruhi is remaking the world, so what will that world become? That's actually what I thought when I read it, too. A translator would be needed to clarify this.

* You noticed a few grammar things I missed in my run-through. Good eye.
* "dreamt"

this is British spelling, as opposed to American spelling, which tends to use "dreamed" everywhere, though "dreamt" is used as well, usually in fixed sayings.

* "storey"

this is also British spelling, vs. "story." But it's interesting that the British have a "story" word that means only floor levels.

There's a lot of editing going on at once, I've noticed.
Tip: the "Show Changes" feature has saved me many times from accidentally overwriting someone else's edits.
--The naming game 13:22, 6 May 2006 (PDT)