A humble Proposal .// A stray Query

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[jonathanasdf]

Dear Miss Werthers,

Good afternoon, although for you the sun has probably yet to shine its rays on your window at the moment I am writing this. Your letter has most intrigued me of your fascinating "wordcrafting"... no "worldcrafting" abilities and my heart races when I imagine what amazing worlds your works will present me, if a mere letter is so filled with such intricate wit and character. As just a commoner of the B-T community, and furthermore a new one at that, I cannot offer you any guidance towards the diplomatic and legal aspects of your endeavour. What knowledge I do have is that it's not as simple as submitting a humble proposal for an original story to be featured on the main page. As you have probably noticed, there is only one original story that is on the sidebar at this moment, so I would imagine that there will be several mountains standing in your way. Additionally, according to view-count statistics, original novels are not as popular as the translation works, with only a few thousand views for The Longing of Shiina Ryo in the last month if memory serves me. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable on this matter could shed some light for you, I apologize for being absolutely useless. That said, please do not let this dishearten you, for I will be cheering you onwards!

With best regards,
jonathanasdf

[Aorii]

Formality feels a bit too cold to me, and you have my humblest apologies if this is a breach of conduct, but, a shade or two less...

Hi, Welcome,

It's quite enchanting, really, to meet a fellow Worldcrafter. Although this is the first time I've heard the term, being far more used to 'Worldbuilder' or 'Worldforger' myself amongst the forums that this hobby is discussed. It is rather --- rare, to see great care spent on worldcrafting in the anime fandom. I do not claim that it doesn't exist, simply that many of the most popular ones stop making any sense once you expand the scope large enough to start considering 'inconvenient' factors such as cultural influences, language barriers, realpolitik, diplomatic posturing, etc etc.

But I guess you can say that such only makes it more welcoming. I for one would gladly offer you a 'seconded' vote. But if I were to be totally honest, I'm far more intrigued by the world design itself than the story (:3).

Yes, I look straight to the deserts.

Alas, I've asked the question before regarding publishing of light novels on this site, and this was the best response I managed to extract from them. Let's see if we get a better one this time~

Best regards,

- Aorii

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Aorii]

Formality of entry posts isn't all that expected but... but a second one, personally it's "scarying" me a bit.
It's starting to feel... cold Σ(￣。￣ )

Anyhow, I'm going to press on my usual way. I apologize now for any offenses I might create over informality (or other things, I apparently offend people very easily due to bluntness :3).

Firstly, obviously I can't speak if you are taking writing very seriously and planning to go full professional, but I'm also of the impression that things like "bars of entry" and "commercialized writing" can go to hell. Sure, writers will always take pride if their works get successful, but if writers write for the sake of success then, like any other craft, the soul of this occupation/hobby would be lost rather quickly. The best way imo is to just go in there and post it!
Can't hurt to ask, can't hurt to try~

After all, worldbuilders have always been strengthened by the soul of the forge, and their passion in it~

Second...

Having a world that "does not make sense" is equivalent to having a reaction that cannot justify itself. As much as many narratives wish to fall back on the ever-present "plot device", or the universally accepted explanation of how "a wizard did it", I sadly do not find these acceptable, and as such long mechanics files are being created till this very day.

Wow, I never thought I'd meet someone on this kind of forums who is even more of a stickler than me. Of course, this is how setting-driven authors write --- internal mechanics consistency being our tools of the trade. But we're definitely the least common of the three types. Fully expanded worldbuilding isn't for most people (it requires a basic level of knowledge about a LOT of subjects to do it, after all), and few pure story-driven / character-driven writers I know are particularly good at worldbuilding... now I digress ┐(´∀｀)┌

Basic on your concept art (very nice, btw; not my style so I can't say any more), I'm guessing: high fantasy, very gothic (Prussian naming scheme + Gothic plate armor speaks volumes :3 mixing it with a French alias is a nice touch between elegance and kickassery~)

I look forward to things o/

- Aorii

[jonathanasdf]

(Sorry, I apologize in advance but it is quite tough for me to maintain the "formal" writing style, so I will be reverting to my usual prose now )

Oh good! From your first post all I got was a glimpse into your writing style (which probably changes when required by the work), but not at all into the nature of your stories. Thus, I was afraid of the possibility that it was merely the words themselves that give off a false air of being "interesting" and "sophisticated", but that ultimately the resulting world would be a twisted one, full of unexplained divine interventions and mysterious plot holes of death that suck the reader's brains in. i.e., it is merely a sequence of words, but not a story. Of course, I'm exaggerating, since I was pretty sure that people who would develop a writing style like this could not possibly be so shallow as to post something that they have not fleshed out to the best of their abilities (excluding works in progress, and of course, everyone makes small misses here and there, so those don't count either). Your response has finally managed to quell my fear, and I am now looking forward to your worlds even more.

This is just my personal opinion, but though I highly enjoy works that I can relate too, because then I can vividly imagine myself in the same position, experiencing the same emotions and pains, I enjoy works where I can see things from a completely new perspective a hundred times more. One reason could be that if in the former, suddenly the protagonist starts to diverge after one had continuously put themselves in that protagonist's shoes, the story suddenly loses a lot of its enjoyment, so either the story proceeds nowhere as it tries to cater to the common denominator, or the niche that appreciates it shrinks with each release. I lost interest in Harry Potter after the 5th book, even though I was around the target age range it should be aiming for. If you ask me for a specific reason, I really can't say, but I just suddenly lost interest in it. However, in the case where I can throw my self away and see the world from another person's perspectives, I don't subconsciously make comparisons or anything, and can seriously enjoy the work for what it is.

綺麗事だけじゃないかもしれないけど、努力をすれば、きっと何かいい事が起こるはずよ。　がんばって！

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Shirley]

The first excerpt, as an entrée.

Prologue I of III: Fall

As part of the experiment I will not be disclosing the name of the project.

I will also not be writing any form of synopsis.

This part of the prologue is at best distantly related to the story at hand, and was crafted mainly for the sake of history, in addition to establishing a certain setting.

If it catches anyone's fancy or interest, do leave some feedback so I may better understand the general public's opinion.

Thank you.

[jonathanasdf]

I must say, that was an amazing 4 pages. Definitely not the meaning of "fall" that I had in mind before I started reading, nor anything like how I've seen a fall portrayed in any other work that I've read. I would tell you all about how interesting I found it, but that would probably not be of much interest or use to you, so I will go straight to my impressions.

I don't like the excessive use of parentheses. They break up the flow for me, and at the same time I don't feel they contribute anything. Having some of them is definitely okay, but I feel that they are overused and distracting. I am very glad that during the part with "action" there weren't any such occurrences, but even in the slow descriptive parts that set up the setting and mood, I feel that they do more evil than good.

An example paragraph:

Spoiler! :

As if to accentuate her displeasure, the figure tossed her hair backwards, her dignified (if not equally displeased) expression conveniently illuminated by a well-placed discharge of lightning. A wave of blonde hair, in stark contrast to the stonework, was being mercilessly torn at by the (still) unrelenting winds, a testament to the sheer force of the weather – and perhaps the unbending resolve of the watchtower that remained standing within it.

Could be worded as:

Spoiler! :

As if to accentuate her displeasure, the figure tossed her hair backwards, as her dignified, if not equally displeased expression was conveniently illuminated by a well-placed discharge of lightning. A wave of blonde hair, in stark contrast to the stonework, was being mercilessly torn at by the unrelenting winds, a testament to the sheer force of the weather – and perhaps the unbending resolve of the watchtower that remained standing within it.

But I guess the parentheses are also a part of your literary style so maybe all it means is that I need some adjusting to an unfamiliar style. I'm sure that after reading tens of pages like that I would find it fine...



The other thing is just that some choices of words I'm not sure really makes much sense.

Spoiler! :

Being the highest Rampart of the Crimson Spires, it was also disproportionately small, and as such not many desired its placement, or lack thereof.

Should that be "Being on the ..."? Anyways, I'm not sure desired makes sense here, maybe appreciated would be better.

Spoiler! :

Where most Ramparts undergo repairs...

Whereas or While seems to fit better.

Spoiler! :

A wave of blonde hair, in stark contrast to the stonework, was being mercilessly torn at by the still unrelenting winds, a testament to the sheer force of the weather – and perhaps the unbending resolve of the watchtower that remained standing within it.

I just can't end up imagining how a hair being blown by the winds could be a testament to the force of the weather, and even less how it would be a testament to the resolve of the watchtower. Sure, it shows that the wind is blowing at a high velocity, but when I see someone's hair blowing crazily in the wind, I don't imagine that the house they are standing next to will suddenly fall over due to the force of the wind.

These are minor and subjective things, but for me these parts caused me to pause and reread the sentence, because suddenly the image in my mind disappeared, which then led to an interruption in the flow of the story. Luckily what could be called the climax of the excerpt flowed very well and as such my enjoyment of the work was overall extremely high.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

The story is overly formal, but if that is the style intended, that is fine. I would personally be interested if you write a story of old times, perhaps those stories of knights and such, for the way you put your stories seems to indicate it may be good for you. That aside, let me go a bit deeper into the story.


Style of story:

Spoiler! :

In the story, while I do not know for sure, as jonathnasdf has mentioned, you have used parenthesis and, in some cases, that makes you look uncertain of what you want in the story. One part of the beginning that really bothered me is:

Being the highest Rampart of the Crimson Spires, it was also disproportionately small, and as such not many desired its placement, or lack thereof. Traditionally the tallest regions of a spire usually housed a Runesinger of most senior standing - However, in this case, the established truth could not be further than what common sense (or a lack thereof) would dictate.

The use of lack thereof almost seemed like you like the term, too much in fact. Using it twice in this short paragraph does not flow too well, and I am wondering if it is being used correctly as well(Not exactly a great English speaker/user). The use of parenthesis at the end seems to indicate you are not sure whether the term should be in there. In a story, the audience should mostly only have to listen, not decide on what they want in the story or what they want not.

Following that, perhaps as I am a Computing student, and also because it can be confusing, I would suggest using different quotes at times:

"Contrary to what the our esteemed… Sisters of the Zephyric Spires claim, the allure of the art of "Sky-Diving" is very much lost to me, Carmine."

While it is obvious in this case, but it may cause some confusion whether to read this as:

"Contrary to what the our esteemed… Sisters of the Zephyric Spires claim, the allure of the art of "

Sky-Diving

" is very much lost to me, Carmine."

Should the quoted portion be longer. Single quotes can be used in that case. "blah blah blah 'sky-diving' blah blah blah"

The flow of the story is very much bothered by the way speeches and inner thoughts are inserted, in my opinion. Every inner thought or speech is followed by a short description, and then back to the speech and inner thought. I am not sure about others, but I find it hard to follow the story in that sense. It is like two different portions/stories going on in parallel.

Content of story:

Spoiler! :

The overuse of special terms makes it hard to understand what some of these terms really refer to. Similar to what jonathanasdf mentioned, the names "Rampart of the Crimson Spires", I believe it is a rampart? But at some parts it seemed as if they are titles/names of someone or something. In the beginning for example, should it be the watchtower of the spire, or the rampart?

Not too much has been told or understood if you ask me, despite the 4 pages? As a prologue, it should perk a reader's interest, but it does not seem too interesting, flooded with specialized terms and nothing too unique or special. This may change in the part II and III, but for now, it is hard to bring in too much attention from readers.

[jonathanasdf]

Well, not minding whether the literary style suits any particular person or not, I think the contents are still very much interesting, and should indeed catch one's interest, being that it's "only" a prologue. In a short 4 pages, I believe Sherilyn's character comes through clearer than some characters in other novels after a few volumes. Immediately questions spring to mind: what are runesingers; who is Miss Sherilyn, who seems very confident in her skills (as to not panic when falling), and yet at the same time not so confident, or maybe in a sense stubborn (as in the refusal to fly in the weather - even though she ends up doing so in the end); more than anything though, the one question that comes to mind and probably the major one is, who is the apprentice? What is (s)he like? I believe the apprentice is going to be the actual protagonist of this story. These questions cause me to want to read more, to know this world more. I think it is precisely because not much has been told or understood that makes you want to read more, to understand it. If you could figure out the direction the whole story is going to go from the very first chapter, then why would you continue to read it past then?

I also agree that your style might be suited for a medieval story of knights and chivalry!

[Shirley]

<25/4/2012>

This experiment is over - It has been an interesting run.

The material will in turn be taken down.

Thank you for all your help and support!

[Shirley]

The second bite.

Prologue II of III: Tome

I look forward to your continued support and feedback.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

Next, with regards to the "formality" - I must say I have never encountered so many instances of the word being used, pertaining to myself or my works before. It is confusing to a certain extent, but perhaps I'm not seeing something others are seeing. I do not actually think about how "formal" or "informal" a section of prose should be - if a character is narrating for that act or arc it would change as according to their personality. With that said, the passive narrator's voice would probably be closer to my neutral state of mind as opposed to any blatant characterizations - probably leading to the aforementioned "formality" that one sees in these four pages.

Formality is clearly portrayed in the use of perfect words and sentences. In online chats, it is not uncommon to refrain to simplified or casual methods of words to put ideas and points across in a less formal way.

"Hi there"

"Hello good sir"

While they mean the same, the formality of the two are vastly different.





Prologue 2 seems much better IMO, and its more interesting.

Just wondering, did you use "hence the chains" on purpose in the two different lines? it seems to be repetitive.

And some of the inner thoughts are redundant in my opinion, mainly some of those inbetween the conversations.

I don't have any particular comments, but its a job well done for this part 2, though I am wondering how they are master and disciple when the master is so amazed by what the disciple can do(and don't seem to be capable as much). Guess that will be revealed later on in the story?

[jonathanasdf]

...yeah, except "Hello good sir" seems to be the most distinctive sign of junk mail, rather than being anything formal :<

Wow, Mira is very much the awesome character I was expecting... is what I thought I'd be saying halfway through... but there's no way I could've expected anything like this!!!!

I think the master can probably do everything the disciple could do, but nonetheless one would definitely be surprised if something like this happens. Well, it does seem like for some of this, it isn't the first time...

Just imagine this: a physics teacher is teaching an introductory physics course, and on an assignment a student ends up deriving quantum mechanics without knowledge of it. They are still teacher-student, but the teacher is so amazed by what the student can do, and you think that the teacher isn't as capable (when that is not the case). Anyways, I think it's some case of being able to perform really hard stuff without really knowing it, but lacking the basics - she couldn't create the flame like Sherilyn could, even though that seems that it should be simpler.

There's a lot of small things that I personally would be nitpicky about, but there's no reason to post them here. Maybe if eventually your work(s) appear on the wiki, at that time. The one glaring issue though: "Turning around which much aplomb"